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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23615269">All is fair in Love and War</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/anastasia_93_daybidaylove/pseuds/anastasia_93_daybidaylove'>anastasia_93_daybidaylove</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Pitch Perfect (Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff, Smut, Swearing, Swift Perfect Week 2020, last tag applying to chapters 5 and onward, see beginning notes of individual chapters for possible trigger warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 16:41:26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>62,365</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23615269</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/anastasia_93_daybidaylove/pseuds/anastasia_93_daybidaylove</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It's not about having feelings. It's about what you do with them.<br/>There's never a choice where the heart is concerned. The mind, however...the mind always comes up with choices.<br/>And sometimes life tends to happen as well.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Chloe Beale/Beca Mitchell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>124</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>211</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Come find me on Tumblr under the same name if you'd like! And if you came from Tumblr...well, welcome!<br/>Each chapter may have its own warnings, so be mindful of that.<br/>Always open to constructive criticism and thoughts, so feel free to indulge!<br/>Also, I like to write many words and analyze things. This is a fair warning.</p>
    </blockquote><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Beca and Chloe are high school seniors. And no matter how much Beca hates cliches, they are also enemies. Kind of. What do you call it when someone seems to hate your guts with a burning passion?...Yeah. Which wasn't always the case, but whatever. Beca doesn't care. Like, at all. What would happen, though, if you throw in preparing for a last minute school event, some alone time, Beca remembering that Chloe hates thunderstorms, and some issues that have been bottled away for far too long? Nothing. Absolutely and definitely nothing at all.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This was supposed to be an one-shot...funny how things turn out sometimes.<br/>First chapter based on the prompt for the Weekly Bechloe Challenge: Enemies<br/>Beca and Chloe are the same age for the sake of this story. Also, they had definitely been acquaintances before (before what? it becomes clear as you read, so not gonna spoil it of course) but definitely not close friends. Honestly, I didn't specify it on purpose, didn't really think I needed to.<br/>I had a lot of fun writing this chapter (no matter how frustrated I was that it didn't want to end) so I hope you enjoy it!<br/>See the tags for warnings, but nothing too major here.<br/>And now, on with the story!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Beca Mitchell didn’t land herself in trouble often. Even if the constant, almost incorrigible bullshit she encountered in her high-school every other day could justify an outburst, she mostly kept her outrage to herself.</p>
<p>It wasn’t like she would have to stay there for much longer, anyway. Senior year was coming to an end in a few short months, and then she would be finally free to focus on the important things in life.</p>
<p>Which wasn’t to say she perceived school as unimportant – she hated that “I’m too edgy and cool to admit the importance of education so I’m going to act like I’m being tortured everyday” attitude many of her peers exhibited. Like, stop trying to equate learning stuff while sitting behind a desk to forced labor, dude. </p>
<p>However, she had grown really tired of all the drama that the high school experience apparently came along with. Which was such a cliché for her to say. But no matter how much she hated those, she had to admit this one was part of her life. How lovely, right?</p>
<p>It wasn’t anything she couldn’t deal with, really. It had become kind of tiresome trying to do so, though.</p>
<p>So, she just wanted to be done and over with all that stuff, graduate and go on with her life. And to have all that be done as smoothly as possible, Beca didn’t land herself in trouble in the meantime. Or at least she tried to.</p>
<p>She had apparently failed this time, in some way, since she’d found herself that morning sitting outside the principal’s office, waiting to be called in. For the life of her she couldn’t figure out what she’d supposedly done to guarantee her current predicament.</p>
<p>She had already been sitting on the wooden, completely uncomfortable chair for over fifteen minutes when the door of the principal’s office burst open with such force Beca jumped in place. Immediately after that initial shock, though, she almost groaned in frustration and understanding, as she watched the one and only Chloe Beale storm out of the room in a flurry of red hair and apparent indignation.</p>
<p>She prepared herself for the inevitable jab, or death glare, but she was so completely ignored by the furious girl that it was almost amusing, in a strange way, and extremely surprising.</p>
<p>Chloe Beale never ignored her. Any and every time they had crossed paths in the past two months, she would find herself in the receiving end of a comment, a snigger, or an angry look.</p>
<p>For the first month she’d tried to stop getting hurt and upset whenever any of those things happened. The second she had almost convinced herself she didn’t care anymore.</p>
<p>Seeing Chloe storm out of the principal’s office, and pass by her spot without sparing her a second thought before disappearing from view down the hall, though, was a clear indicator why she had been sitting in this uncomfortable chair for the last quarter of an hour. Fucking of course; should have suspected that sooner, honestly.</p>
<p>And yet, Chloe had seemed so angry that Beca could deduce -with mild certainty; you could never actually know with Chloe Beale- that she hadn’t gotten her way this time. Maybe gravity would be proven a lie next, who could really tell?</p>
<p>“Miss Mitchell, come in, please”.</p>
<p>With a sigh, Beca stood up, picked up her bag from the floor, and a few steps later she was standing in front of the principal, after closing the office door as she had entered. He was looking at her with an annoyed look on his face, as if her mere presence was ruining his mood.</p>
<p>She had to actively refrain herself from pointing out that calling her in his office was extremely counterproductive to her not standing in front him, something he was so obviously wishing for.</p>
<p>-Miss Mitchell, I assume you have at least an idea of the why it is you’ve found yourself here this morning.</p>
<p>Beca felt the urge to reply with something sarcastic, like “of course, my powers of premonition and fortune telling are immaculate”, but she chose to refrain once again. Instead, she remained silent, waiting for him to continue.</p>
<p>-As I’m sure you are at least aware of, the winter school dance is taking place this Monday, the first day of the winter break. As is the case for any event this school puts forward, there are certain requirements and expectations for a high level of decorum to be exhibited by anyone and everyone who participates in them. From the organizers and the performers, to the simple guests.</p>
<p>Yes, Beca wanted to say, she knew all that. It was the same stagnant, boring speech the whole student body was given before any of those events the principal was currently referring to took place.</p>
<p>-Unfortunately, and disappointingly, this high standard has not been upheld in the case of this upcoming dance. Due to extremely unpleasant circumstances, we’ve had to cancel the appearance of the Bellas, having no other choice in light of recent events.</p>
<p>Beca could finally understand why Chloe had been in such a horrible mood earlier. The Bellas were the school’s most prominent, most popular, and most looked up to group of individuals in their school.</p>
<p>They were also a music band. The music band of which Chloe Beale was the leader of. And although she never understood the appeal of participating in a cover band and singing average –in her opinion- renditions of the all time top 100 most popular songs, people seemed to wildly disagree with her (nothing new there). They were an all female group, however. She could give them that.</p>
<p>The big question was, what could lead to the principal deciding not to allow the school’s most popular act to perform in an event that was being planned and anticipated for for weeks, and in such short notice? She usually didn’t pay attention to gossip –why would she want to know about other people’s lives? Her own kept her busy enough trying to deal with it already- but now she raked her brain for any useful piece of information she might have accumulated somehow.</p>
<p>And then ti clicked; she remembered a conversation she’d overheard in the girls’ bathroom two days before.</p>
<p>-Is this because of Stacie Conrad’s sex tape? The one she leaked herself?</p>
<p>-Miss Mitchell, I did not ask you in my office to discuss the reasoning behind the school board’s decisions, or to gossip about the latest hot topic on this school’s rumor mill!</p>
<p>Beca knew that, surprisingly enough –or maybe not surprisingly at all, given who the person in question was-, this time around it was more a matter of facts rather than rumors. Facts that had been shared amongst the entire student body in high quality video form, for that matter.</p>
<p>-Why did you ask me here, then?</p>
<p>-Because of your application.</p>
<p>-I’m sorry, my what?</p>
<p>-Your application. The one you personally handed to me in the beginning of the school year. The one where you stated that you would like to be taken into consideration as a music performer for any school event this year.</p>
<p>She had honestly forgotten she’d even done that. She knew that she would never be taken seriously enough to be invited to perform her mixes in school, she was too alternative, dry, and introverted to be considered a suitable option, or be anyone’s favorite student.</p>
<p>All that on top of the fact that that spot had been always reserved exclusively for the Bellas. Desperate times called for desperate measures indeed, apparently.</p>
<p>-Miss Mitchell, I do not have the whole day. I’m expecting you’ll be able to perform on Monday?</p>
<p>-Yeah…Yes. I will be. Able. I will be able. Totally.</p>
<p>-Very well. You can set up your equipment tomorrow morning in the gymnasium while the organizing committee finishes up the rest of the preparations. I’ll be sure that they provide you with a list of the song selection guidelines.</p>
<p>-I’m sorry, the what?</p>
<p>-There are rules, miss Mitchell. Don’t make me regret this decision.</p>
<p>Beca nodded as reassuringly and somberly as she could muster before exiting the office, brow already knitted in worry as soon as she had stepped back in the hallway. Of course there were song selection fucking guidelines, why wouldn’t there be? What else could she possibly expect from the school that monitored the propriety of the costumes people wore at the Halloween dance?</p>
<p>She could end up spending the entire weekend holed up in the school gymnasium, if the list of those guidelines was as ridiculous and long as she imagined it would be. And she could still end up screwing everything up if she wasn’t ready on time, or didn’t have enough mixes, or Chloe decided to set her hair on fire or something -as retribution for getting the Bellas’ spot- , having then to trade the dance for the ER…</p>
<p>She was already starting to regret agreeing to this whole entire thing.</p><hr/>
<p>Beca arrived at the gymnasium at 9am the next day. She had figured she should get an early start, set up everything and then judge, in accordance to the song selection guidelines, how much more work she was in for, and how high the chance of her having a mental breakdown over the entire situation during the weekend was.</p>
<p>Also, her anxiety wouldn’t let her stay at home any longer, so…there she was. Seize the day, and all that crap.</p>
<p>Once she entered the spacious building, she took a good look around. She had to admit, they had done a pretty decent job with the decorations.</p>
<p>The theme was ‘Magic Winter Wonderland’ (because of course it was) so glittery paper, in a pearly white hue, covered the walls all the way up to the ceiling, there were garlands and lights hanging from it and running around the entire place, and four huge Christmas trees in the four corners of the space, all decorated with blue and silver ornaments. There seemed to be more work to be done, though; there were work benches all around, people busying themselves with one thing or the other. Refocusing on her own task, she took a deep breath and walked towards what seemed like the DJ spot (she cringed internally), towards the far right corner of the building.</p>
<p>Once she reached the three desks, positioned to form a half-moon shape and dressed in the same paper as the walls, she placed the two bags she had brought along on the only chair and looked around again. She wanted to find the head of the organization committee and get the list of the stupid guidelines early, so she could set up her equipment and then immediately work on sorting out her mixes.</p>
<p>Suddenly, a flare of something red in her periphery made her head whip to her right so fast she had to massage the strained muscle for a moment. She knew this color very well. This color had no business being in the same enclosed space she was supposed to spend basically the next 48 hours of her life.</p>
<p>Of course, Beca Mitchell had never claimed to be -or believed herself to be- a lucky person. So, of course the person she absolutely had no desire to see at all that weekend was now strutting towards her purposefully. Of course she was holding a leaf of paper in her right hand, and of course –Beca knew she should have known- Chloe fucking Beale was the head of the organizing committee.</p>
<p>Of course. Why wouldn’t she be?</p>
<p>Chloe came to stand right in front of her, her face a perfectly emotionless mask, and her hand already extended. Beca received the leaf of paper and automatically scanned over it distractedly. She was still not over the shock –and almost dread- of having Chloe right there in front her, but then something caught her eye and had to do a double take.</p>
<p>-Dude, is this shit serious?</p>
<p>-Yes, Beca, <strong>this shit </strong>is dead serious. And you better act like you believe that, or I’ll make sure this entire place floods or something, with you locked in it.</p>
<p>Beca’s head shot up, incredulity and a little bit of fear washing over her face, but Chloe had already turned her back to her, heading away towards the opposite side of the building.</p>
<p>As she started opening her bags, to retrieve her laptop and her mixing board, Beca couldn’t help but wonder if quitting right now was not an option she wanted to consider, even a tiny bit.</p>
<p>For the next few hours, Beca had been fully immersed in her work. Setting up hadn’t been half the hustle she had expected. The list of guidelines, though? That was a totally different story.</p>
<p>She had half expected things to be this bad –and half hoped they wouldn’t be-, but this was ridiculous! She understood rules like “No explicit language”, “no curse words”, things like that. She did think they were kind of over the top, but whatever. It was a school dance. She understood.</p>
<p>What she didn’t understand was what she was supposed to do with things like “No sexual innuendos”, “No direct or indirect reference to male or female genitalia” (ew), “No reference to parts of the human anatomy that may be considered places of sexual interest”. Like…what?</p>
<p>First of all, the wording was weird and a little disturbing. Second of all, those rules basically excluded seventy percent of the songs she herself had ever heard. How was she supposed to work effectively and figure out the set list in time for the dance with such absurd restrictions in place?</p>
<p>She had stopped for about half an hour during lunch time in order to stretch her legs a little and eat the sandwich she had packed in her things that morning. Fortunately, Chloe did not approach her at all during her break, instead keeping her distance.</p>
<p>Actually, as she was sitting back down to resume her tedious work, Beca entertained the thought that maybe Chloe was actively avoiding her. She shot that thought down quickly, though. Chloe Beale wouldn’t spare her enough thought to do something like that.</p>
<p>The next time Beca looked up, she could see through the high windows that it had fallen dark outside. Stretching her arms above her head and arching her back she realized that she had been left almost by herself. Almost. There was one other person in the building with her.</p>
<p>Chloe was sitting behind a work bench, her eyes and hands completely focused on something on its surface that Beca didn’t have the right angle to see what it was. Right in that moment she was closer to Beca than she had been at any other moment the entire day. And she wasn’t being offensive, or scathing, or demeaning to her. She was entirely focused on something else; she wasn’t even looking at Beca.</p>
<p>But Beca was looking at her. Really looking at her, for the first time maybe in months. Two months, to be exact. Two months during which Beca hadn’t dared to look at Chloe the way she was looking at her now. She had gotten loud and clear the message that she wasn’t allowed to.</p>
<p>Now, though, she allowed herself to look.</p>
<p>To watch Chloe as she worked, slightly bent over the work bench. The way her hair, that flaming red she could recognize anywhere, framed her face and touched her cheeks, the way she was biting her bottom lip, unconsciously, in concentration, the way her shoulders rose and fell softly, in time with her breathing.</p>
<p>And although she couldn’t see her eyes, as they were cast downwards towards her project, Beca was absolutely sure that they, those endless pools of the clearest, most mesmerizing blue, were sparkling. Just like they did every other time Chloe’s attention and determination zeroed in on one single thing, her unwavering focus so intense that it felt as if Chloe Beale had never focused on anything else before she had discovered this one thing.</p>
<p>The one thing that was worthy of her time and effort. The one that was special.</p>
<p>Beca had no idea for how long she’d been unabashedly staring. She’d been offered this rare opportunity and her mind kept insisting she shouldn’t waist it. So she kept staring, discarding the thought that she was basically acting like a creepy stalker.</p>
<p>Of course, she shouldn’t have discarded that thought. And she definitely should have told her mind to sit down and shut up, because however many minutes after she’d lost herself in her own thoughts, Chloe suddenly looked up, their eyes instantly connecting.</p>
<p>Instead of just averting her eyes and trying to act as nonchalant as she could master, the shock of having been caught made her jolt up from her seat, the chair falling back and her knees hitting the desk in front of her painfully.</p>
<p>As if that wasn’t enough –why would it be? everything was going just great at the moment- Beca could feel the heat traveling up her neck and onto her cheeks. She didn’t want to even think of how hard she was blushing at the moment.</p>
<p>Desperate for something, anything, to occupy herself, she started hastily gathering her things, shoving them haphazardly into her bags. She had to leave. Like, right now. Before Chloe walked over, furious, and started yelling at her.</p>
<p>Because Chloe definitely knew that Beca had been watching her; that it wasn’t just a passing glance she’d happened to catch.</p>
<p>Picking up her now full and closed bags and heaving them over her shoulder, she walked around her desks and paced towards the door. Which happened to be the exact direction in which Chloe also was. Fucking great. She couldn’t just leave without saying something.</p>
<p>Well, technically, she could. They had basically become the stereotype for high school enemies (how original). But still…</p>
<p>So, with great mental effort, she took an internal deep breath and slowed her pace, halting it completely once she had reached Chloe’s work bench.</p>
<p>-Um…I’m leaving. Just so you know.</p>
<p>-Have you finished?</p>
<p>She would have liked to. She could have, surprisingly enough, if she’d chosen to stay for a couple more hours. But that wasn’t an option now, was it?</p>
<p>-No. But it’s getting late. I’ll pick back up tomorrow.</p>
<p>-Tomorrow? Couldn’t you just finish up today?</p>
<p>-Um…it’s a lot of work, so…I thought the gymnasium would be open tomorrow, too.</p>
<p>-It will be.</p>
<p>-Okay…So, do you need the space or something? Because if it’s a problem for me to come back, maybe I cou-</p>
<p>-Just leave, Beca. You can come back tomorrow morning.</p>
<p>Acting seemingly on their own, her feet carried her away from Chloe, out of the stuffy building and into the cold, clean air.</p>
<p>She should have expected, once she had found out that morning that Chloe would be in there with her for endless hours, that something like this –stupid, so stupid!- would have happened. That she would somehow manage to make a fool out of herself.</p>
<p>As she kept walking towards her house, Beca realized that, during the entirety of their last conversation, Chloe hadn’t looked up at her once.</p><hr/>
<p>Beca was frustrated. No, that was a gross understatement; Beca was extremely, utterly, completed frustrated. She should have been done by now, it was pushing 4pm for fuck’s sake!</p>
<p>And yet, there she was, wasting her Sunday in the glitter-filled school gymnasium, during a thunderstorm, making one stupid, novice mistake after the other while mixing generic, g-rated pop songs, and being completely alone with Chloe Beale.</p>
<p>Oh yes. That. Had she mentioned that tiny detail yet?</p>
<p>She was completely alone with Chloe Beale, starting at 9am that morning. Just the two of them. The rest of the organizing committee had deemed the weather too unsafe to show up, apparently.</p>
<p>Of course they had (what a bunch of complete losers).</p>
<p>So naturally, Chloe, being the responsible, driven head of the committee that she was, had just showed up by herself to finish up the preparations for the dance.</p>
<p>Because of course she had. Of course. Why wouldn’t she have?</p>
<p>It wasn’t like Beca had been entirely distracted by her the whole day, progressing in her work slower than a snail taking a nap. By the way she looked while she worked –picked up that one right where she had left off last night-, by the way she concentrated –that lip bite…like, really?-, by the way she moved whenever she got up to get something she needed. She hadn’t been distracted at all. Nope.</p>
<p>…She had been entirely distracted. It was ridiculous.</p>
<p>And the most frustrating part had been how thoroughly Chloe had ignored her the entire time (not a look, a glance, a side-eye; nothing) because Beca kept pondering why that was.</p>
<p>Why was Chloe Beale, who hadn’t missed one chance to throw at least a scathing look her way during the past two months, now working silently, refusing to even acknowledge her mere existence in the same space as her? Every time the question popped up in her mind, she’d curse herself and demand it leave things alone. She wasn’t asking for a fight, anyway, so this was fine. Great, actually.</p>
<p>And she’d go back to her work.</p>
<p>Or at least she’s try to until that thought popped up again. At which time she’d repeat the same process. She’d lost count of how many times it had happened up until now.</p>
<p>A sudden flash of lightning illuminated the night outside, as seen through the building’s windows, the rain still pouring with the same ferocity it had all day. A booming strike of thunder followed immediately after, forcing the glass of the windows to rattle in their panes and reverberating in the empty building.</p>
<p>The noise pulled Beca out of her thoughts, her eyes immediately refocusing on Chloe. Chloe hated thunderstorms.</p>
<p>She saw Chloe visibly shiver, her body cowering a little into itself. She didn’t stop working, though. She didn’t even look up.</p>
<p>Beca’s body betrayed her, then, her next thought coming out of her mouth without her permission.</p>
<p>-Maybe you should go home.</p>
<p>-I have work to do still.</p>
<p>-Dude, it’s a fucking cataclysm out there!</p>
<p>-I can take a little rain.</p>
<p>-A little? Can you not hear what’s happening outside?</p>
<p>-I can. It’s fine.</p>
<p>Beca didn’t know why she was pushing this so much. She shouldn’t even have started this interaction in the first place.</p>
<p>It wasn’t her job taking care of Chloe, or telling her what to do. She had to stop.</p>
<p>-Just go home. You can come back in the morning for a couple of hours and finish up. You should be almost done anyway.</p>
<p>-I am. That’s why I’m finishing this tonight.</p>
<p>-Why are you being so stubborn?</p>
<p>-Why do you even fucking <strong>care</strong>?!</p>
<p>The striking of the next thunder was timed too perfectly, punctuating Chloe’s words with a ferocity that Beca felt deep in her bones. Chloe had cursed. Chloe Beale never cursed. It was a known fact of life.</p>
<p>But that wasn’t even the big issue for Beca at that moment, as they both remained frozen in place, eyes locked on each other’s, a rage she hadn’t seen before clouding Chloe’s.</p>
<p>No, the big issue was…what even was that question? Didn’t she know the answer to that question? And even if she didn’t –pretending something doesn’t exist for long enough can be quite effective, Beca knew- why had she asked it like that? In a way that clearly showed that she cared about whether Beca cared or not?</p>
<p>Chloe didn’t care; Beca had gotten that message loud and clear long ago.</p>
<p>It was that fact, that last one, the reminder that Chloe didn’t care, that had Beca shooting up from her chair. Chloe seemed to be taken aback for a minute by the sudden outburst of motion, and in the brief silence Beca pointed an accusing finger in her direction.</p>
<p>-Why do <strong>you </strong>suddenly sound like you care so much? Hasn’t seemed like you cared in a long time, and I don’t think you ever actually cared <strong>at all</strong>!</p>
<p>She could still hear her last words reverberating inside her head, the way she had shouted them.</p>
<p>She shouldn’t have, she knew that. Because it was pointless, this entire conversation was pointless.</p>
<p>But she had wanted to say something, do something, for months now.</p>
<p>-I didn’t care? <strong>I</strong> didn’t <strong>care</strong>?</p>
<p>Chloe was standing now, too, all fiery curls and sparkling eyes. Beca thought, absentmindedly, that she was beautiful.</p>
<p>-God, are you <strong>listening</strong> to yourself, Beca? Do you <strong>actually</strong> believe that crap you just said? Or is lying to yourself simply easier?</p>
<p>-I only lied to myself once, Chloe, and it turned out not so great for me! And <strong>you</strong> made it <strong>extremely</strong> clear that I had! So do not come here, all high and mighty, and accuse me of that! Because I did exactly what <strong>you</strong> wanted!</p>
<p>-What <strong>I</strong> wanted?</p>
<p>Some of the anger seemed to leave Chloe as she voiced that question; quietly, only barely above a whisper.</p>
<p>But Beca, somehow, got even angrier at the look of defeat now plastered all over Chloe’s face. What reason did she have to play the victim here? What right?</p>
<p>Beca knew she had none.</p>
<p>-Yes, Chloe, what <strong>you wanted</strong>! And I never understood how or why, after everything, <strong>despite</strong> everything, you went and kept up all this bullshit for two months! But what am I even <strong>talking</strong> about? God! Nothing was <strong>ever</strong> real for you in the first place, was it? You just wanted an easy-</p>
<p>-<strong>You</strong> broke my <strong>heart</strong>!</p>
<p>Beca’s mouth slammed shut at Chloe’s words.</p>
<p>She couldn’t comprehend what they meant. Because they couldn’t mean the obvious, she knew that. Chloe had made sure she knew that.</p>
<p>So she remained silent, waiting for Chloe to continue; to say something more that would explain those words that made no sense.</p>
<p>But Chloe didn’t continue. Beca could see how fast she was breathing, how her whole frame seemed to be shaking almost. How glassy her eyes had become.</p>
<p>Chloe was looking at her in such a way –her entire face an open wound of devastation and agony- that Beca felt her heart clench painfully inside her chest. So painfully that her hand came to rest on the spot above it on its own, rubbing slightly as if to alleviate some of the pain.</p>
<p>The next thunder struck, and it was as if it had granted Chloe the ability to move again. It was as if in slow motion that Beca watched her shiver once more, and the tears she had been holding for many long minutes start pouring down her eyes.</p>
<p>She watched her as she made no effort to wipe them away, instead turning her back; walking away.</p>
<p>And then Beca remembered. More likely, she allowed herself to welcome back all the memories. She wasn’t sure if she would ever be able to forget.</p>
<p>She remembered with perfect clarity that party two months ago.</p>
<p>All the booze, the music as loud as it would go, shouts and laughs ricocheting off the walls of the house (who’s house was it even? she supposed it didn’t matter). The dimmed lights, all the grinding bodies moving to the rhythm of the heavy beat, so close together you could stretch your hand out and have touched five others in the process. Everything had been a blur in the morning.</p>
<p>Everything but one thing. She could remember, with perfect clarity, a short, back-less, black dress, high black heels, and smooth, creamy legs.</p>
<p>She could remember fiery red locks, bouncing around to the beat of one song and then the next, soft pink lips, slightly parted to allow more air to pass through them, and flushed rosy cheeks.</p>
<p>But even so, she remembered her eyes the clearest. Those deep, endless oceans of the warmest icy blue.</p>
<p>She would always remember how extraordinarily breathtaking they had looked that night. How deep in her soul she could feel them once they had focused all the weight of their attention on her.</p>
<p>(She had fallen in love with those eyes. Not at that party, no. Years before that.  Maybe since the first time she saw them, she would often think in retrospect.)</p>
<p>It had been those eyes that had become her undoing in the end. The way they had dared her to grind against their owner once the songs changed. Becoming more sensual; more heated.</p>
<p>The way they had eventually darkened, forcing her heart to skip a beat as she had gotten lost in them again; urging her to follow them in places unknown.</p>
<p>They had ended up in a room upstairs, her heartbeat matching the rhythm and intensity of the beat of the music that could still be heard.</p>
<p>Even though they were locked inside. Even though their lips were locked together, claiming each other again and again, endless kisses sending shivers up and down her spine.</p>
<p>Even though there were soft, delicate hands touching her body in a way that was already too much and at the same time not even remotely enough.</p>
<p>At some point she had stopped being able to listen to the music, though.</p>
<p>Once clothes started falling to the floor, those same hands scorching her now bare skin wherever they came in contact with it.</p>
<p>Once she found herself on her back resting on cool sheets, bare in more ways than one; looking into those same eyes that had turned gentler, softer. Despite how the anticipation was sizzling in the atmosphere, making it almost impossible to even breathe, they were grounding her; reassuring her.</p>
<p>She had gotten completely lost in them, entirely submerged in the sea of want and need they reflected back at her.</p>
<p>There were so many things that had happened that night after she had found herself on some stranger’s bed, feeling more at home than she ever had.</p>
<p>There had been gentle hands, mapping every inch of her skin as if committing it to memory, making her back arch and her eyes squeeze shut as they touched her slowly, reverently.</p>
<p>There had been soft lips, bathing her neck in warm kisses, sucking her skin between them and making her moan and gasp as fire spread inside her. They had moved lower at some point, discovering more skin to explore and taste, trapping hard peaks between them and forcing her to ask –beg- for more.</p>
<p>And as they had returned on her own, claiming them fully and submitting them to their will, those hands, the ones she craved at this point, had slid down her body; caressing her at last- at last!- through warm wetness, pressing firmly but carefully against her.</p>
<p>When they had finally slid inside her, stroking to even greater heights the fire that was already threatening to consume her whole, she had felt like everything else, everything but the two of them in that bed, in a stranger’s room, had seized to exist.</p>
<p>She had been lost in the sensations, and all the different feelings they evoked in her.</p>
<p>She had been held securely against the warm body beside her, whispered words of appraisal and want traveling through her ears to her brain. They were forcing the blood to pound even harder in her temples, her heart threatening to jump out of her chest.</p>
<p>And then her relief had crushed onto her in giant waves, that had left her trembling and moaning and writhing on the bed, warm lips pressed to her temple until it had eventually –after many long moments- subsided.</p>
<p>She wasn’t sure how many minutes had needed to pass before her breathing and her heart rate had returned to normal; before she was able to roll them over and start her own exploration, returning the favor.</p>
<p>The events of that night -every single feeling, touch, sound, taste- had flashed through Beca’s mind in what felt like only a second.</p>
<p>It couldn’t have been much longer than that either, because Chloe was still walking away from her and towards the door. Towards the worst thunderstorm of the past year. Assumingly, still crying over what Beca had said to her.</p>
<p>Because Beca had broken her heart. That’s what she had said.</p>
<p> And Beca, despite everything that Chloe had done after that night, and all the pain and heartbreak those things had caused her in return, was overwhelmed by the need to stop her from leaving. A soul-deep, desperate need that had her rushing after Chloe, running almost, to reach her before she stepped outside; before she walked out of her life again.</p>
<p>She managed it, barely, and grabbed Chloe’s arm just inside of the door of the building she had just pushed open, the feeling of her skin against her hand sending a jolt of electricity through her entire body. It had been so long.</p>
<p>Chloe was forced to spin around, wild curls framing her tear-stained face, her eyes swimming with anger and desperation.</p>
<p>-Let me go!</p>
<p>-No.</p>
<p>-<strong>Let me go</strong>, Beca!</p>
<p>-No! You’re going to drown out there!</p>
<p>-You wanted me to leave, right? To go home and forget about everything, to <strong>stop</strong> being invested! To stop <strong>caring</strong>!</p>
<p>Her voice had cracked at the last word, a sob almost escaping her mouth. All the anger Beca had seen in her eyes when she’d stopped her was gone now. As if Chloe did not have the strength to keep it up anymore.</p>
<p>And her words…they sounded like they were about a different matter than glitter, winter dances, and late Sunday afternoons.</p>
<p>Beca didn’t know why she did it. Maybe it was the late hour, the stress of the day, or the emotional toll the last twenty minutes had taken on her. Maybe it was all of those things combined.</p>
<p>Beca didn’t know why; why, as soon as Chloe’s first sob was followed by another, and then another as she broke down completely, she had reached for her. Why she had held her in her arms, tightly and securely, one hand in her hair and the other rubbing soothingly against Chloe’s back.</p>
<p>Why she’d closed her own eyes while Chloe’s body shook in hers, a few of her own tears escaping them involuntarily, one temple resting against Chloe’s hair.</p>
<p>(She knew. Of course she knew. She’d always known. Nothing had changed)</p>
<p>She couldn’t tell how long it had taken until Chloe calmed down a bit, her previous sobs replaced by small hiccups and soft whimpers. When they stopped as well, she slowly extricated herself from Beca’s arms, only a few inches separating them.</p>
<p>Beca stared then, long and hard, into her red-trimmed, swollen, beautiful eyes and realized they needed to –at long last- talk about what had transpired between them after that night. They both needed closure it seemed.</p>
<p>No matter how heartbreaking it felt, on its own uniquely bittersweet way, they both needed this, whatever this was or could have been, to finally end.</p>
<p>So she tugged at one of Chloe’s hands, silently urging her to follow her as they stepped away from the door and the storm outside. Chloe followed as she led them to the wall, both sliding down and sitting side by side on the cold floor, their shoulders almost touching.</p>
<p>Beca forced the words to leave her mouth, her tone as quiet and gentle as she could make it.</p>
<p>-We can’t keep doing this, Chloe. We need to talk, to try and move on.</p>
<p>She heard Chloe sigh beside her. Chancing a glance, she saw that she had closed her eyes, head resting back against the wall.</p>
<p>So she decided to go on. To be sincere and open, no matter how much that simple thought terrified her to the very core of her being. She had to.</p>
<p>- We can’t go on like this. <strong>I</strong> can’t go on like this. It hurts too much, and nothing comes out of it. Things could have turned out better, but they didn’t. So we need to find a way to let this go, for both our sakes.</p>
<p>From the corner of her eye she could see that Chloe was the one looking at her now. Her eyes were burning through her skin at the side of her head. Their intensity forced her to connect her own with them, to shake the urge to avoid the contact.</p>
<p>It felt like Chloe was searching for something, the way those eyes bore down into her very soul. She couldn’t be sure if she’d found it or not, but eventually Chloe broke the eye contact, resting her head back again. She watched her take a deep breath, her eyes closing momentarily before opening again, staring straight ahead.</p>
<p>-Everything that happened that night…I didn’t know how to handle it, because I didn’t know how you would. So I waited, resisting texting or calling the next day. I waited to see what you would do, what you wanted to do. Then I learned what happened that Saturday, Tom told me, and I realized what you wanted was to forget about it all, or worse, I thought that maybe it didn’t mean anything to you in the first place, and I just-</p>
<p>-Wait, wait, wait, back up. What do you mean ‘what you learned happened that Saturday’, and that Tom told you? It’s not like you weren’t present to witness it!</p>
<p>They both turned their heads towards each other at the same time. Beca felt as confused as Chloe looked, which confused her even further.</p>
<p>-How would I ever be present to witness that? Also, I wasn’t, which shouldn’t be a surprise, like, at all.</p>
<p>-So, what…you’re telling me you hooked up over the phone or something? Weren’t you at that party together on Saturday?</p>
<p>-Yeah, we were, but…Wait, who hooked up over the phone?</p>
<p>-Apparently you!</p>
<p>-What? No, I didn’t! What are you even talking about?</p>
<p>-Are you going dumb on me? You! With Tom! At that party! That Saturday after we…you know.</p>
<p>-What? Are you out of your mind?</p>
<p>Beca felt a headache starting to creep up on her. This utter mess of a conversation was literally hurting her brain. Chloe seemed as bewildered as she felt, but then she saw some kind of realization pass over her features.</p>
<p>-I didn’t hook up with Tom at that party. Haven’t since last year, in fact. We’re just friends. Why would you even think this?</p>
<p>-Because Jesse told me so, dude! After Tom told <strong>him</strong>!</p>
<p>-Tom told Jesse we had hooked up? Wait…is that why you slept with him? But no, that doesn’t make any sense, because that had happened earlier. That’s why I wanted to get drunk and went to that stupid-</p>
<p>-Is that why I slept with whom? I didn’t sleep with anyone! Well, you know…beside you, that is.</p>
<p>-You didn’t sleep with Jesse on Saturday?</p>
<p>-What! Dude, no! Why would that even be something you thought happened?!</p>
<p>-Because Tom told me, Saturday afternoon. After Jesse told <strong>him</strong>.</p>
<p>Beca’s mouth hung open as she stared back at Chloe incredulously. She couldn’t even begin to absorb any of the things she was hearing.</p>
<p>Chloe, on the other hand, seemed strangely calm as she was sitting there, silently watching her reactions and waiting for her answer. Which reminded Beca-</p>
<p>-Okay, let me get this straight. Jesse told Tom that we had slept together on Saturday. And then Tom told you. And then you went to that party. Where you didn’t sleep with Tom, but he told Jesse you did anyways.</p>
<p>She wasn’t asking, she was just trying to wrap her mind around the whole thing. Chloe nodded anyway.</p>
<p>-Yeah…And then Jesse told <strong>you</strong> that, apparently.</p>
<p>Beca felt something rise inside her, her blood ringing in her ears. This was just-</p>
<p>-I’m going to kill him! We broke up six months ago; we’re supposed to be friends! I’m going to absolutely fucking <strong>murder</strong> him! And you better do the same to that asshole ex of yours! What a bunch of <strong>absolute</strong> douche bags! I can’t <strong>believe</strong> this!</p>
<p>She was rather serious in what she was saying; she couldn’t believe this whole mess had been caused by a couple of stupid –incredibly, completely, totally idiotic!- high school boys who wanted to brag about boning their exes; supposedly after said exes had realized their grave mistake in abandoning them and had crawled back, begging to be blessed with their gift of a dick. What a joke!</p>
<p>Beca wanted to get up and punch through a wall or something.</p>
<p>Or better even, to find Jesse and punch him in his stupid face, adding a kick to the balls for good measure. Just so he wasn’t left with any doubts as to how much she <strong>didn’t</strong> want to be friends with him anymore… that absolute stupid fucker.</p>
<p>But then she heard a soft giggle beside her and whipped her head around. Chloe was looking at her, a small, highly amused smile on her face, eyes sparkling brightly again.</p>
<p>-Why are you laughing? This isn’t funny! We could have avoided so much drama if it weren’t for them!</p>
<p>-I know, I know. You’re just really cute when you get so mad.</p>
<p>They both seemed to realize simultaneously what Chloe had just said, both sobering up from each of their respective moods and averting their eyes.</p>
<p>Beca had no idea what to do with that comment; she was in no mental capacity to analyze it even the tiniest bit. So she remained silent instead, ignoring the fact that her heart had skipped a bit as the words had registered in her brain.</p>
<p>She could hear Chloe breathing softly beside her. From the corner of her eye she could see her chewing on her bottom lip (could she please not, though?) until she released it from between her teeth and nodded once to herself.</p>
<p>-This has been such an enormous mess, and maybe we could have handled it better if we had talked to each other. Maybe I could have been less of a colossal bitch to you, despite of what I thought had happened.</p>
<p>(Beca had to smile a small smile at that)</p>
<p>Chloe turned towards her then, head tilted back against the wall once more. Beca had to meet her eyes.</p>
<p>-But you have to know, and despite everything I did and how hurt I was for the past two months…I never regretted what happened between us, not once. It was the most perfect, most beautiful night of my life.</p>
<p>Beca could see the sincerity and belief in what she’d just said written all over Chloe’s face. Her eyes were clear and calm, only a hint of nervousness around their edges.</p>
<p>She understood that; she had had almost the exact same thought countless times since that night.</p>
<p>She still had it.</p>
<p>-I know. I never regretted it, either. Not for a second.</p>
<p>She allowed the tranquility of that moment to engulf her then, a warmth she had missed –the warmth Chloe’s simple presence could provide her- enveloping her heart. She was glad they had done this.</p>
<p>And she could see in Chloe’s eyes that she felt the same.</p>
<p>With a deep breath, she forced her body off the floor, stretching a bit to relieve her slightly sore muscles. Chloe looked up at her questioningly.</p>
<p>-I think that’s enough for tonight. Now it’s actually late and we should leave before this place actually floods. I can finish up the rest of the mixes at home tomorrow.</p>
<p>Chloe chuckled again and nodded once, her curls moving gently against her shoulders.</p>
<p>-You go ahead; I’ll just clean up a little and leave, too. I was finished anyway.</p>
<p>Beca went back to her desks, picked up her bags, after ensuring briefly that she’d gotten everything, and walked back towards the door, Chloe still sitting on the floor. Once she reached her she couldn’t help but smile.</p>
<p>-Are you going to stay there for long? You have to get up to leave, you know.</p>
<p>Chloe giggled shyly, waving her away with her hand.</p>
<p>-I’ll be up in a second, smartass! Go home, I’ll see you tomorrow night at the dance.</p>
<p>Nodding in acknowledgement, she slid her bags further up her shoulder to be more comfortable and started towards the door. She had almost walked out before she heard Chloe calling her name.</p>
<p>Curious, she turned around.</p>
<p>-Tomorrow night will be crazy, if everything turns out okay; maybe we won’t have any chance at all to talk… How do you feel about ice cream on a Tuesday afternoon, a week before Christmas? Alternative enough for you?</p>
<p>Beca took her all in then; that crazy, beautiful, and at times infuriating, girl, that was still looking up at her from the floor of the glitter-filled gymnasium, eyes shining and lips smiling, nervous excitement written all over her face. She took her all in, the way she looked as if Beca was the one that had to make a choice here.</p>
<p>Beca didn’t have to make a choice. She’d made it months, maybe years ago, even. She would make the same choice every day from now on, if she was allowed to.</p>
<p>-Yeah…Yeah, it’s alternative enough for me.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>So Beca and Chloe have made up and are now...Beca isn't sure what they are, but she's quite pleased with how everything is going. The rest of their world, though? Maybe not so much. Beca really doesn't want to deal with two very annoying loose ends still roaming around, she really doesn't, but if they come knocking what is a girl supposed to do? Well...something that requires Chloe declaring Beca quarantined in Chloe's house until Christmas.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Second chapter based on the prompt for the Weekly Bechloe Challenge: Quarantine<br/>All the frustration this chapter has caused me while writing it I'm blaming on the lovely readers who commented on the first chapter about wanting to know what happened next. My brain was very excited about that. I ended up being less so.<br/>I'm joking obviously, I appreciate all of you greatly!<br/>There are already so many quarantine based fics out there, so I decided to take some creative liberties with this one. Hope y'all don't mind.<br/>Takes place maybe three days before Christmas<br/>See the tags for warnings, but nothing too major here.<br/>And now, on with the story!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Oh my God, I hate this <strong>so</strong> much!”</p>
<p>Beca Mitchell did not get frustrated.</p>
<p>Well no, that was a lie. A more accurate statement would be that she didn’t get outwardly frustrated. Not generally. She always found one way or another to distract herself from the troubling issue long enough for her to get over her frustration and move on with her task.</p>
<p>Usually, it worked. She made it work. So it did.</p>
<p>Not right now, though.</p>
<p>Right now, as she was sitting in front of her laptop on Chloe’s bed and staring daggers at it, she was seriously contemplating throwing the damn thing against the wall. Or better yet, throwing it out the window. Just to ensure its complete and utter destruction. Because it deserved it.</p>
<p>A soft, distracted chuckle followed her indignant exclamation and she raised her eyes from her computer screen.</p>
<p>Chloe was sitting behind her desk just across from her, her fiery locks resting on top of her head in a messy bun, her creamy white shoulders looking tantalizing under the thin straps of her top, still scribbling something down on a piece of paper.</p>
<p>Although her eyes remained trained on her task, Beca could see the small smile that still lingered on her lips. However much she had discovered lately that she loved Chloe’s smile –especially that soft, private one that she seemed to save just for Beca- this was not a moment that qualified as any level of amusing.</p>
<p>Not in Beca’s opinion.</p>
<p>“Something amusing to you? <strong>I’m</strong> not amused”, she stated matter-of-factly, her brow knitting. To her irritation, Chloe’s smile widened, her eyes still downcast.</p>
<p>She didn’t comment further, though, so after a few moments Beca returned her attention to the evil device in front of her.</p>
<p>They were in Chloe’s house, cooped up in her room and trying to finish some homework their teachers had assigned them for over the break. They had to occupy their time with something because Beca had been staying at Chloe’s house for the past few nights.</p>
<p>In separate beds, thank you very much!</p>
<p>After…everything that had happened on Monday and Tuesday, Beca knew that if she returned home she’d have to explain why she was in the state she currently was. And, since she was terrible at lying, she’d end up confessing and probably spending the entire Christmas break grounded.</p>
<p>Unable to see Chloe.</p>
<p>A point which, after she’d made it, had Chloe unceremoniously declaring Beca quarantined for the foreseeable future –which was to say, until Christmas Eve- in Chloe’s house, to avoid her mother’s wrath and punishment.</p>
<p>To which Beca had had, like, zero objections for many reasons; her mother’s threatened wrath strangely (but really, not at all) not on top of her list.</p>
<p>That fine afternoon they had decided –Chloe had suggested it and what was Beca supposed to do? Deny?- to write a paper for their AP World History class. A nasty, complicated study on the biggest pandemics during the 20<sup>th</sup> century.</p>
<p>Or as Mr. Wilkins had called it “Discussion on the causes, effects, and long-term impacts on human societies of the worst pandemics that plagued the globe during the 20<sup>th</sup> century, and their historical significance”.</p>
<p>Like, dude… It’s Christmas. Not the most festive topic you could have picked, was it?</p>
<p>Chloe had been excited, of course -of course!- and she had picked up quite a few books from the school library just before break had started, Beca had discovered earlier that day.</p>
<p>Just to aid in their research. Because you had to be meticulous and well-organized when discussing such serious matters.</p>
<p>Chloe had been adamant about those things.</p>
<p>(As she was, arguably, with most things).</p>
<p>Despite her insistence though, Beca had chosen to peruse Wikipedia and some of the sources it linked to. That would have to do; she wasn’t going to spend hours reading book after book on deadly diseases.</p>
<p>All due respect to those who had suffered, but she didn’t see any point in suffering as well.</p>
<p>So, they had both immersed themselves in their research-</p>
<p>(“Are you sure this is a good idea, Beca? Mr. Wilkins said to research the topic in depth. I don’t think Wikipedia is the best-“</p>
<p>“Chloe. Read your books”)</p>
<p>-since after lunch, the comfortable silence between them only interrupted to exchange bits of information either of them had come across and deemed worth mentioning.</p>
<p>When the light outside Chloe’s window had started to dim, Beca had been feeling quite happy with the progress she had made. So she had decided to start writing the paper on her laptop, and research further if need to do so arose.</p>
<p>Which had been an excellent plan, in Beca’s opinion. And yet there she was, ready to throw the stupid piece of technology in the trash and be done with it.</p>
<p>Yes, Chloe’s smile had indeed slightly diminished her frustration.</p>
<p>(It wasn’t like it was possible not to feel better when Chloe Beale was being…well, Chloe Beale. Nothing she could do about it!)</p>
<p>But now, ten minutes later, she had reached the limit of her patience. With a frustrated huff she saved her minimal progress and slammed the laptop shut, wincing a bit as her right hand came in contact with it harshly.</p>
<p>The sound of its lid closing had Chloe’s eyes lifting from the desk and taking her in, that small smile reappearing on her lips. Beca rolled her eyes, because how was that even fair? Smiling at her like that and trying to interfere with her bad mood…</p>
<p>It wasn’t.</p>
<p>-Hey. What’s going on? Are you done?</p>
<p>Beca huffed again, her arms crossing across her chest.</p>
<p>-No.</p>
<p>-Did you want to take a break?</p>
<p>-No.</p>
<p>She was well aware that she was sounding like a petulant five-year-old.</p>
<p>She saw Chloe’s smile turn softer before she pushed the chair of her desk back, stood up and walked towards her until she was sitting beside her on the bed. Pulling one of her legs up and underneath her, Chloe turned so she could face her fully.</p>
<p>And now Beca didn’t just have to deal with her smile, but also her eyes. Those mesmerizing pools of blue that were currently staring inquisitively at her.</p>
<p>Ugh, it was <strong>so</strong> unfair!</p>
<p>-Will you tell me what happened?</p>
<p>-My laptop doesn’t want to work. I can’t write on it anymore!</p>
<p>She was whining. She was officially whining now. Great.</p>
<p>Chloe kept looking at her patiently though, her eyes gentle. It astounded Beca that she was putting up with what was basically turning into a temper tantrum so soon after they had made up that night in the gymnasium, a few days ago.</p>
<p>Chloe was herself astounding, however. In many different ways. So maybe it made sense.</p>
<p>-Is it broken? Does it need to be fixed?</p>
<p>-No. It just…</p>
<p>Beca rolled her eyes. She knew that, ultimately, it wasn’t her laptop’s fault. Admitting that, on the other hand…</p>
<p>“I can’t write. Like, my hand-” she lifted her right one to show Chloe the split around her wrist and hand “-doesn’t want to cooperate at all with me right now.”</p>
<p>Chloe chuckled, looking at her knowingly.</p>
<p>Beca had to roll her eyes again at that; she knew Chloe would laugh at her admission after the way she had been acting. She was also pretty sure that Chloe had known all along what the problem was and had just been humoring her a few moments earlier.</p>
<p>Honestly, Beca couldn’t fault her for that. She had been there for everything. Of course she knew what the problem was.</p>
<p>She’d already told Beca it <strong>would</strong> be a problem, several times.</p>
<p>-This isn’t funny.</p>
<p>-It kind of is, though.</p>
<p>-Perhaps to <strong>you</strong>! It’s me that has to sit here and write about diseases with one hand missing!</p>
<p>-So <strong>dramatic</strong>!</p>
<p>-It’s not dramatic if it’s the truth!</p>
<p>-Yeah…I don’t know about that one, Bec. Your hand isn’t missing.</p>
<p>-It might as well be, for all the use it is to me right now!</p>
<p>It was such a simple, fulfilling joy, making Chloe Beale laugh. Chloe’s laugh rang around the cozy room, forcing Beca to smile despite herself.</p>
<p>When Chloe’s eyes locked on hers again, Beca didn’t even try to hide it.</p>
<p>-Are you done laughing at my expense?</p>
<p>-Hey, I warned you this would happen! Besides, it isn’t as if something <strong>happened</strong> to you! This was <strong>your</strong> fault!</p>
<p>-No, it wasn’t!</p>
<p>-Right…Then whose fault was it?</p>
<p>-Yours!</p><hr/>
<p>
  <em>The dance had been in full swing for about an hour and a half. The music was loud, the lighting was dimmer, dozens of students were dancing and drinking eggnog –non alcoholic of course!-, and the teachers who were chaperoning seemed quite content with the happenings around them. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Beca had remained on her designated spot thus far, making sure that the list of mixes she had compiled kept playing without a hitch. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Although she wouldn’t come out and say it –because school dances were kind of lame and definitely overrated-, she really wanted to ensure that things kept running smoothly. She had secretly wanted this for months; the opportunity to showcase her talent on the thing she was the most passionate about. Music.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Even if it had to happen in the school gymnasium, during a dance themed “Magic Winter Wonderland”, while her schoolmates were –somehow- getting drunk. It was still the biggest opportunity anyone had offered her until that moment. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>So she wouldn’t mess it up.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>There was another reason Beca wanted to ensure the night was a success, though; at least as much as her part in it went. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>That reason was breezing through the building constantly, her neatly curled red hair catching Beca’s eyes every few minutes, like a moth to the flame. Resolving issues that arose with the drinks or the food, or with whatever else needed her attention. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Smiling, and laughing, and talking animatedly with every person that engaged her in conversation.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Chloe Beale. Chloe, who looked…The only word that came to Beca’s mind was… radiant. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>It sounded so sappy and lame. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Beca didn’t care one bit.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>It was the honest to God truth.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>They hadn’t talked yet that night; Chloe had warned her of that happening if things got too crazy. Judging by Chloe’s constant movement, that had been exactly the case.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>But it was okay. Chloe had worked hard for this.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>So Beca wasn’t worried. They had talked. They had figured things out (she was still amazed by that fact alone).</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>They had a date.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>(Was it even a date? Had they agreed on a term for it? Was it right to call it one? Was it too soon to call it one?)</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Beca shook her head, discarding the onslaught of questions in her mind. No matter what it was, she was going to meet with Chloe the next day, to get ice cream in the middle of the winter. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Just the two of them. Because Chloe had asked her.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Chloe had asked her out.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>A small smile spread on her face as she pushed a small lever on her mixing board to amplify the bass line of her mix that was currently playing.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Maybe the past two months were worth it; they’d brought them here, after all.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Hey, Becaw! Fancy seeing you here! What’re you up to?”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>The smile fell from her lips and she frowned, her eyes remaining fixed on her mixing board. She did not want to do this at that moment. She did not have the luxury to end up fighting in the middle of the school dance, in front of a bunch of her teachers.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She sure as hell had no desire whatsoever to even look at Jesse, much less talk to him that night.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>And yet, there he was. Naturally.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Why would he be literally anywhere else? He wouldn’t.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Taking a deep breath, Beca raised her gaze, her eyes immediately falling on his. He was less than three feet away from her, his smile bright and his eyes shining happily.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Beca resisted the urge to roll her eyes; and punch him in the face.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“This is so cool! Why didn’t you say something?”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Oh Beca did want to say something, alright. Or rather, do. She took a deep breath.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Beca? Did you hear me? Why didn’t you say something? This is awesome!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Didn’t think to.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Seriously? But it’s me! We tell things like that to each other!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Was he being serious?! Beca occupied herself with checking the overlap of two tracks on her laptop to distract herself.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Must have slipped my mind to mention it. <strong>You</strong> know how those things go…</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Um…sure. But this is a big deal, though. I thought we shared things like that, Becaw.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Beca hated that nickname. Despised it with a passion. She couldn’t even remember where Jesse had picked it up, or how. It had always irritated her.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Right now, it only served to increase her already rising frustration. She took another deep breath. This wasn’t the time to get angry at him.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Anyway, this is great! I don’t get how you pulled it off, honestly; it’s always the Bellas, and then some random, generic playlist they put on. I really…</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>However, Beca had tuned him out. At his mention of the Bellas, her eyes had instinctively shot up, looking for Chloe in the crowd.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>What she found, though, made her frown deepen and her brow knit in irritation. Chloe was standing about twenty feet away, a serious expression on her face, talking to none other than Tom.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Beca watched her say something before being, seemingly, interrupted. She kept watching as one of Chloe’s eyebrows arched, her face betraying her incredulity at what she was hearing.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Beca? Beca, are you even listening to me?!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Not now, Jesse!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She knew she’d just snapped at him harsher than she’d intended, but she wasn’t going to feel even the slightest bit bad about it. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>He deserved it. The asshole.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Besides, she had other things to be focusing on at that moment.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Such as Chloe staring angrily at Tom, hands on her hips, her shoulders tense. Such as Tom trying to take a hold of Chloe’s hand with his own, her pushing it away. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Such as Tom trying again immediately, grabbing her arm this time.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Beca hadn’t even realized she’d left her designated spot, her anger boiling as she hurried towards the pair. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She watched as Chloe tried to pry her arm away in vain, cheeks flushed, lips saying something emphatically, eyes blazing.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Chloe had just tried again, and failed, to pull her arm away from Tom’s grip the moment Beca reached them. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>With strength she hadn’t known she possessed she sharply dislodged Tom’s hand from its grip around Chloe’s arm, shoving him away for good measure. He’d had <strong>the nerve</strong>…!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Hey, hey, Mitchell, easy! What’s your problem?!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-My problem is you, asshole!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Watch your tongue, midget!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Beca hadn’t minded the insult as much as she probably should have; she’d heard it all from Tom and his buddies (fucking jocks) before. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She’d gotten used to it. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Chloe, however, seemed furious beside her, pointing a finger sharply at Tom’s chest.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-You take that back, you hear me?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Oh come on now, Chloe! Since when do <strong>you</strong> care about what I say to her?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Beca watched, visible even under the dim lighting, a deep blush spread over Chloe’s cheeks. From shame for what she’d done for two months or from embarrassment for possibly revealing too much she couldn’t tell.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She hoped it wasn’t the latter; she couldn’t imagine Chloe being ashamed of this…whatever this was between them.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Since now, okay?! I care <strong>now</strong>! So back <strong>off</strong>, Tom!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Are you actually serious right now? Defending that-</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Do not finish that sentence!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Beca was taken aback by the force behind Chloe’s words. She’d hoped Chloe wouldn’t backtrack; that she wouldn’t try to hide the fact they were…friendly (was that the right word? whatever) now.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She could never have expected this, though. Chloe defending her so fiercely; so adamantly.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Maybe she should have. Chloe Beale had always had a fire burning inside her. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>It was just not so common for that fire to be on Beca’s side.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Wait…Is this why you were spewing all that bullshit earlier? Is this- <strong>her</strong>- the reason you were so bent out of shape?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-You told people we slept together when we didn’t! You <strong>advertised</strong> it!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Oh come on, babe! Big deal! Everyone does it!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Maybe you and your friends do, Tom! That doesn’t mean everyone does it! And it definitely doesn’t make it okay! <strong>God</strong>, I thought we were <strong>friends</strong>! And you decided it would be a good idea, that it would be <strong>okay</strong>, to tell people that we…<strong>God</strong>, Tom!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Why are you making such a big deal out of this? It-</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-I could be seeing someone, Tom! Did you think of <strong>that</strong> as my supposed friend?! Or did you decide to think with your dick as usual?!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Beca’s jaw dropped. She didn’t even know how to begin wrapping her mind around what she’d just heard. Had Chloe just admitted…?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-So it <strong>is</strong> about her, isn’t it? </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Tom had taken a few steps forward, the cocky smirk he’d been wearing throughout the entire interaction nowhere to be found anymore. He was standing too much into Chloe’s space, towering over her, for Beca’s comfort.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Chloe wasn’t backing down though. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>(Of course she wasn’t; Beca wasn’t even the tiniest bit surprised. This was Chloe Beale)</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-So what if it is?!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-What if it is? Seriously, Chloe? You didn’t want me telling people we fucked because you’re fucking <strong>her</strong>? Since when did you become a lesbian anyway?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Dude! Seriously right now?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Stay out of this, Mitchell! Just because you’re fucking her doesn’t mean this is any of your business!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Beca was starting to become really angry. The entire situation was spiraling out of control; just because a stupid guy had gotten his fucking pride too bruised to accept that he’d lost a girl –which wasn’t even his to begin with!- to another girl!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>The nerve of her to reject his dick and go for someone who actually cared enough not to brag about what they did –or rather, supposedly did- in bed, right? The nerve!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She clenched her fists instinctively, squaring her shoulders, and was ready to push him back again and away from Chloe; teachers around them be damned.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Chloe reached for her arm before she had the chance, though.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-No. Beca, no. He’s not worth it.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-No, let her. She seems to have something to add; which is fair enough. After all, you <strong>are</strong> fucking her, right?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Chloe whipped her head back at him, throwing her arm - just the one, since the other one was still holding Beca back- in the air.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Oh my <strong>God</strong>, Tom! Grow <strong>up</strong>! We’re <strong>not</strong> together, and I thought it was clear I don’t see you this way anymore! Clearly it wasn’t; so here it is: I’m not <strong>into </strong>you anymore! So what I do in <strong>my</strong> bed isn’t your fucking <strong>business</strong> anymore! This clear enough for you?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Whatever, Chloe. Do whatever you want. Get finger fucked by Mitchell on the refreshment table for all I c-</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>His sentence was violently interrupted as he staggered, taking multiple steps backwards to stabilize himself, while he brought his right hand up to touch his nose. The moment the two made contact he visibly winced and recoiled even more.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Beca?! Oh my God, are you okay?!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-What the <strong>fuck</strong>, Mitchell?! Are you <strong>actually</strong> unhinged?!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Beca’s eyes moved from Tom, who was looking at her with a mixture of anger and apprehension on his face, his nose starting to bleed, to Chloe’s worried, searching ones.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>As if awakening her from some kind of trance, the moment their eyes met Beca felt a sharp twinge in her wrist that made her look down at her hand.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Chloe had taken hold of her hand. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She was holding it between her own, as carefully as humanly possible, her eyes shooting back and forth between it and Beca’s eyes now.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Does it hurt? How does it feel?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Beca tried to move it to check and felt pain shooting straight through her wrist and up her palm. She resisted the urge to pull it away from Chloe’s grasp but Chloe had caught the small, involuntary movement. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Besides, Beca was sure her discomfort was written all over her face.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Okay, okay. We need to get you to the school nurse before a teacher gets wind of what happened. Come on.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-The school nurse? Chloe, we’re in the middle of a dan-</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-She’s here somewhere, the school made sure she’d be in case of emergency. Now come on, we need to go.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Where do you two think you’re going? Chloe, she <strong>punched</strong> me! I think my nose is broken!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Oh fuck off, Tom!</em>
</p><hr/>
<p>-Beca. You understand this still sounds like <strong>entirely</strong> your fault, right?</p>
<p>-Dude! Did you not pay <strong>any</strong> attention to everything I just said?</p>
<p>Chloe’s giggle caused a small flutter, like the softest touch of a butterfly (seriously? Who was she becoming?!), to ripple through Beca’s heart.</p>
<p>She had to resist her involuntary smile at the adorable sound to keep up her façade of indignation.</p>
<p>Which, of course, was extremely hard. Like, have you ever heard Chloe Beale giggling?</p>
<p>So frustratingly unfair.</p>
<p>-I was there, you know. I don’t have to <strong>listen</strong> to know what happened.</p>
<p>-Then how can you <strong>still</strong> claim it was my fault?</p>
<p>-Um…you punched him, Bec. I’m pretty sure that constitutes it being your fault that your hand got hurt as a result.</p>
<p>-But he was saying…<strong>really</strong> fucked up things!</p>
<p>-He was. And he insulted you. But that doesn’t mean-</p>
<p>-Dude, no! He was saying them about <strong>you</strong>! <strong>That’s</strong> why I punched him!</p>
<p>Beca hadn’t intended for those words to come out exactly in the way they had. Because the way they had, they had sounded…</p>
<p>She snapped her mouth shut, looking sheepishly up at Chloe.</p>
<p>Chloe, who had, seemingly, been rendered speechless for a few seconds after Beca’s slip up.</p>
<p>Beca couldn’t read the expression on her face at all. She thought she saw an intense look pass fleetingly behind her eyes, though what it was she couldn’t tell.</p>
<p>Or if it was even real and not just a figment of her imagination.</p>
<p>As if in slow motion, a smile started spreading on Chloe’s lips. It lifted the corners of her mouth in a way that caused a small dimple to appear on her left cheek, eyes shining and crinkling around the edges, obvious elation all over her face.</p>
<p>And Beca was left awestruck for a moment, one that felt suspended in time.</p>
<p>In that single moment Chloe looked…she didn’t think she could come up with the right word.</p>
<p>…Strikingly beautiful. That was the word.</p>
<p>(Two words…but whatever. It was the god damn truth)</p>
<p>-Why, Beca Mitchell… Are you implying that you were defending my <strong>honor</strong>?</p>
<p>At her words Beca was pulled out of her dazed state, an exaggerated eye roll directed towards Chloe.</p>
<p>-Come on, dude, of course not. That’s so lame.</p>
<p>She hadn’t known that it was possible for Chloe’s smile to get even bigger than it already was.</p>
<p>She had been wrong.</p>
<p>-Oh my God, you <strong>were</strong>! I can’t believe this!</p>
<p>-<strong>Stop</strong>! That’s <strong>not</strong> what happened!</p>
<p>-It’s <strong>totally</strong> what happened! Oh my God!</p>
<p>-Chloe, stop! I didn’t-</p>
<p>-It all makes so much <strong>sense</strong> now!</p>
<p>Chloe was almost bouncing on the bed at this point, in her giddy excitement to have discovered Beca’s secret.</p>
<p>Which Beca had basically confessed. Brilliant.</p>
<p>She could have just as well went and actually confessed her feelings; not that much of a difference, was there?</p>
<p>She could feel a blush creeping up her neck and igniting her cheeks as Chloe continued beaming at her and her discomfort.</p>
<p>She tried to mentally force it down, attempting to appear composed and unaffected; hoping her face would return to its normal color sooner rather than later.</p>
<p>-Why are you like this? And you’ll fall off this bed if you aren’t careful.</p>
<p>-Don’t take this expression with me, you can’t fool me anymore! Oh my God, everything makes <strong>sense </strong>now!</p>
<p>-Yeah, you just said that.</p>
<p>-Only because it’s the <strong>truth</strong>!</p>
<p>-Okay, I’ll bite. What makes <strong>so</strong> much sense?</p><hr/>
<p>
  <em>-How does it feel? Is it better today?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Beca had some trouble answering that question. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Sounded simple enough, sure. And yet…</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>The both of them were currently sitting at a table in the only ice cream shop in town with an owner crazy enough to keep it open a week before Christmas. It was nice, though. All cozy and colorful and cute.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Which should equate to Beca hating the place; or at least disliking it (you can’t hate an ice cream shop, it’s like hating rainbows. What kind of person hates rainbows?!).</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>And yet, Beca had found herself enjoying the atmosphere of the small place. Or maybe it wasn’t entirely about the place.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Maybe it had to do with Chloe’s presence across from her, eyes shining and cheeks flushed with joy. Maybe it had to do with the way she had smiled at Beca, almost shyly, when they’d met outside the small establishment a few minutes before.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Maybe it even had to do with the way Chloe was now holding her hand gently, caringly, between her own, examining carefully her wrist. Just like she’d done the previous night at the dance.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>A thing that, as Chloe kept caressing the tender spot and her palm with her fingertips, was somehow prohibiting Beca from answering a simple question like the one Chloe had just asked her.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>What had she asked her again?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Yeah, okay. Her enjoyment had nothing to do with the place. Like, at all.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Beca? Did you hear me?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Her eyes, that had been fixated on their joined hands, now shot up to stare at Chloe’s. She was met with a soft and just a tiny bit worried gaze.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Beca had to internally slap herself to stop acting like an idiot and return to a condition where she would be able to hold up a normal conversation like any human should be able to do.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Jesus, Mitchell, get it together!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Yeah…Yes. It’s better, actually. Still sore, but I’ve been icing it since last night and at least the swelling has gone down.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Does it hurt?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-A little bit.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>At that moment, the waitress came to their table. Beca had placed a simple, two-scoop, chocolate-and-vanilla, chocolate-sprinkle-on-top ice cream order.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Chloe had also ordered two scoops. One mango one strawberry, with whipped cream, topped with oreo cookie crumbs, colored sprinkles, and three cherries. Evenly spaced.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>And Beca wouldn’t have it any other way.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Once the waitress left again, Chloe immediately focused her attention back on Beca’s face. Her hand, Beca had noticed, had remained held between Chloe’s own with the same care as before while they’d been placing their orders.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Whatever. It was fine.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-You shouldn’t have done it, you know. Punch him.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Beca hadn’t even realized she’d done it in the first place. Whether she should have or not, though… She sighed and nodded once.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Yeah, I know. Could have ruined the whole dance, and you worked so hard organ-</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-You think <strong>that</strong> is what I care about?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Their eyes locked over the table and Beca had to gulp. There was an intensity in Chloe’s eyes that was rooting her in place; urging her to understand something Beca wasn’t sure she could.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-You could have gotten in serious trouble with the school; or gotten hurt more seriously than this. You can’t go around doing things like that without a care in the world.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Although Chloe’s tone wasn’t accusing at all, Beca felt the need to defend herself.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-I don’t usually go around punching people, you know. But he was being a complete and utter asshole, saying those things, so I… reacted.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-He was, and I understand. He insulted you, multiple times. Just don’t go around making this a favorite pass time of yours or something, okay?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Chloe’s tone had turned lighter, a half-smile lifting one side of her lips teasingly. Beca had to roll her eyes, smiling back.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She had almost forgotten that Chloe was still holding her hand. Almost.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-I’ll think about it. Just so you know, though, I-</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Beca?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Beca grunted, her head tipping forward and her eyes closing momentarily. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She knew that voice. The last place she wanted to be hearing that voice was in the same shop as Chloe and her, while they were out on a date (or whatever they were currently doing).</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>How in the world…?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Irritated, she removed her hand carefully from Chloe’s grasp, shooting an apologetic look at her, and turned around on her seat to face Jesse.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-What are you even doing here right now, dude?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Um…I went by your house. Your mum said you’d be here.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Inwardly, Beca cursed herself for sharing that information with her mum that morning. It had been in passing, before her mum had left for work; part of a small, normal interaction between them.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She’d had no idea it would come back to bite her in the ass. Why would her mum even share that with Jesse?!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Well, it wasn’t like she’d asked her to keep it a secret or anything…But still. If Jesse had been looking for her, her mum wasn’t supposed to help him stalk her down!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Which brought her back to her original question.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Not what I asked.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She couldn’t read his expression very well; he seemed apprehensive, though, and maybe… a little upset? No, that couldn’t be. What reason could he possibly have to be upset? </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>He also looked tense, which was weird for him; he was generally a pretty relaxed guy.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She was the one that had the right to be upset at him. For talking to people about their sex life -which wasn’t even a thing anymore. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>And for stalking her. While she was with Chloe, nonetheless.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Which was when she realized Jesse was eyeing Chloe coldly, his posture tensing even further.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>The fact that he was acting that way without any reason to whatsoever, on top of everything else, irritated her to no end. With a huff and a pointed glare in his direction, she turned around to face Chloe again.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Beca didn’t like that she wasn’t smiling anymore. Chloe Beale should be smiling as much as possible. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Without thinking, she reached out with her hand, the one that wasn’t hurt, to touch Chloe’s left that still rested on top of the table.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Deep, warm pools of icy blue focused back on her.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Hey. I’ll go deal with this, whatever this is, and I’ll be right back, okay? I’ll only be a minute. Just…stay here and wait for me?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She hadn’t really meant to phrase that as a question, but something had forced her to do so.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She saw the tiniest smile appear on Chloe’s lips for a second, as she nodded in reassurance. Relieved, Beca returned it.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Standing up, she turned her attention back to Jesse, her mood plummeting again. Of all the places and the times he could have chosen…</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Come with me, we’ll talk outside.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>As soon as they were standing across from each other, a few feet apart, in front of the ice cream shop, Beca crossed her arms across her chest. With a quick glance towards the shop’s windows she saw Chloe watching them, her tension evident on her face. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Beca clenched her jaw, turning her attention decisively towards Jesse.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She wanted this, whatever this was, over and done with quickly.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-So are you going to finally tell me why you’re here? Or do we have to play twenty questions? Because I don’t have time for that.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Yeah, I’m not surprised. You never had time. Not for me, anyway.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Beca was taken aback. What even…? What was he <strong>talking</strong> about? She had no idea how to reply to that comment.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-What? Look, I don’t have time for guessing games. Do you wanna tell me why you you’re here, or can I go back inside now? </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Oh, I’m sorry! Didn’t realize I was <strong>such</strong> an inconvenience to you, Beca!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Jesse, can you cut all this <strong>bullshit</strong> and just tell me the reason you’re here? Jesus!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She watched him sigh, his hand coming up to run down his face. She couldn’t understand what was happening between them, or where it was all coming from. And any other time she’d maybe have the patience to deal with it.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>(Because he was a decent guy; despite the whole discussing-with-my-friends-how-I-boned-my-ex incident)</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Not now, though. Definitely not now.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>When Jesse finally met her eyes again, he seemed calmer. Defeated, somehow.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Which confused her even further; before irritating her to no end.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She was very familiar with these moods of his. Jesse was a good guy; she had no problem admitting that. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Whenever he started his dramatics, though, it became almost impossible for her not to just roll her eyes, get up and leave. It shouldn’t have been her who had to apologize for his overreactions to things she hadn’t even caused in the first place.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She shouldn’t have to indulge him whenever he played the victim. She had struggled with that immensely while they were dating; she refused to even consider doing anything even close to that now that they were only kind of friends.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Look, Beca. I saw what happened yesterday. You’d left before I could talk to you, but Tom filled in the blanks for me.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Right…Your good pal, Tom. He filled in the blanks, huh?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Yes, he did. He told me what happened. But I couldn’t believe it, because I thought you’d never do something like that. At least I did before I saw you with her today.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Wait, wait… What? You understand you’re making like…<strong>zero</strong> sense right now.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Oh come on, don’t even try to deny it, Beca! I saw the two of you in there!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Right. You saw us. <strong>Great</strong>. What does that have to do with anything?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-How could you do this to me?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Do <strong>what</strong> to you, dude?!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Start dating <strong>her</strong> while <strong>we</strong> are still <strong>together</strong>, Beca!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Beca was left rooted to the spot, completely frozen. Her mind was short-circuiting, trying to wrap itself around what she’d just heard. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>It had come so out of nowhere that she couldn’t even form one coherent question to ask. Where would she even begin?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Her complete and utter shock, it seemed, hadn’t registered with Jesse.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Look, I know you do things your own way and at your own time, and I respect that. But I cannot be okay with this, it’s not right. You didn’t even tell me in advance that you wanted to do something like this. I know we have been taking some time, but I would have appreciated the heads up, at least that way-</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>A loud, disbelieving laugh escaped Beca’s lips, braking the trance she’d found herself in while Jesse was talking. And once it had started, she couldn’t stop.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>This was so ridiculous, so outrageous, that she literally couldn’t stop laughing.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>It was hilarious, the whole entire thing. Somehow she’d landed herself in a parallel reality or something.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Because there could be no other explanation. Not one that made sense.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Once she had calmed down, she wiped a couple of tears that had escaped her eyes and took a deep breath.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>This had to be a joke.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She met Jesse’s gaze once more.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Okay…Jesse, you <strong>do</strong> realize we broke up, like, six months ago, right?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-What? No we didn’t!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She was ready to respond, to assure him that yes, they had indeed, and they’d both been present for it, when from the corner of her eye she caught some movement. Looking to the side she watched as Chloe approached them, coming to stand a few inches by her side.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Everything okay? I didn’t know if I should come or not, but things looked kinda… weird?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Before she was able to even open her mouth to respond, Jesse was already talking.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-This doesn’t concern you, Chloe, so you better go back inside.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Beca’s head snapped back towards him.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-You don’t tell her what to do, dude!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Why? Because <strong>you</strong> do?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-What? No! I meant-</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-I don’t think she should be here while we discuss <strong>our</strong> relationship, Beca! Does that sound <strong>so</strong> unreasonable to you?!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Dude, <strong>what </strong>relationship?! Oh my God, I thought you were joking about this! You were fucking there when we broke up, Jesse!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-No, we didn’t break up! I agreed to give you some space, to lay off of you for some time, so that-</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>By this point, Beca was so outraged with the travesty of a conversation she had been unwittingly forced to participate in that she couldn’t even try to control her swiftly rising anger.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>This day wasn’t supposed to be going this way. She was supposed to be spending her time with Chloe, getting to know each other better.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Not dealing with Jesse’s delusions and the drama he had –for the hundredth time!- created in his mind.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-That’s not what fucking <strong>happened</strong>, Jesse! You were fucking <strong>there</strong>! For fuck’s sake!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She knew she was yelling, she could hear her own voice ringing in her ears. She felt Chloe’s soft touch on her shoulder but she kept her attention focused on him.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-We broke up! <strong>Six months ago</strong>! And you come here now and tell me you were giving me <strong>time</strong>?! That you <strong>agreed</strong> to do it? Like you were doing <strong>me</strong> a favor?! I did the favor to <strong>myself</strong> by breaking up with you, Jesse! So grow the fuck up and get <strong>over it</strong>!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Beca.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Chloe’s gentle, soothing tone made her take a deep breath. She needed to calm down.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Stay out of this, Beale! I care about her way more than you do, so back off!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Apparently, Jesse was hell-bent on not letting her.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-For real?! <strong>That’s</strong> what you’re gonna say?! After advertising to those complete <strong>douchebags</strong> you call friends the way you were supposedly fucking me?! And you’re gonna say that to <strong>her</strong>?!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Oh, that’s right! My mistake! She has been tormenting you for <strong>months</strong>, but suddenly <strong>I’m</strong> being unfair to <strong>her</strong>!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Beca, come on. Let’s just go.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-That’s right, listen to your girlfriend! She was a complete <strong>bitch</strong> to you, but she <strong>cares</strong> about you now so everything’s okay, <strong>right</strong>?!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Beca, please. Let’s just leave, you-</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-You know what, Beale? She’s <strong>all</strong> yours! From what Tom has told us it’s not like you can go without dick for more than a day, so I-</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>This time it wasn’t like the last one. Beca was aware of her every action in the next few seconds. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>How she closed the distance between herself and Jesse, Chloe not fast enough to hold her back, pulled her hand back and landed the strongest punch she could on his face.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Her already injured hand.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>As Jesse stumbled back she felt sharp jolts of pain rolling through her wrist, in such quick succession that she instinctively held it against her body, eyes squeezing shut.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Mother fucker!</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Chloe’s touch returned a second later as she came to stand in front of her, her hands resting comfortingly on her arms. She forced her eyes open again; staring back into Chloe’s worried ones. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She didn’t have to say anything. Chloe seemed to understand she was in much more pain than the night before.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Okay, let’s go. You need to see a doctor. Come on.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-Beca! You can’t just up and leave after-</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Beca suddenly felt too exhausted to deal with him anymore. Luckily, she didn’t have to.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>While leading her carefully towards her car, Chloe turned her head calmly in Jesse’s direction.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>-I think that means you <strong>are</strong> actually broken up, Jesse. If you need further confirmation, though, I promise I’ll make sure she sends you a postcard!</em>
</p><hr/>
<p>-I thought you punched him because he was being ridiculous and stuff. But it was what he said about me, wasn’t it? About what Tom had told them?</p>
<p>Beca considered lying; denying everything. Because it could appear as too much too soon to Chloe. They’d been talking again for only a week or so, after all.</p>
<p>It should feel too much too soon to her as well. She should be scared. Any other time she would be.</p>
<p>But then she looked into Chloe’s eyes. She couldn’t even remember what her favorite color was before it became the exact blue her eyes were.</p>
<p>Eyes that were staring intensely in the depths of her own; searching for the answer she didn’t know if Beca would actually give her. Impatient almost.</p>
<p>Beca could feel the intensity in the air around them, too.</p>
<p>As if something -something big- was standing on a precipice; ready to tip forward. She didn’t know if she should choose to hold it back -prevent it from falling- or just let it go.</p>
<p>When it came to Chloe, though, that choice didn’t lie in her hands anymore; not really. The answer had become inevitable a long time ago.</p>
<p>-It was. That’s why I punched him. That’s why I punched both of them. You didn’t deserve what they were saying.</p>
<p>She watched her words wash over Chloe, her intensity slowly being replaced by a tenderness Beca had never thought would be directed at her again.</p>
<p>A tenderness she could only remember in gentle touches and soft kisses, two months before. She’d thought she’d made it up, after. That it had never been real.</p>
<p>She wasn’t sure anymore.</p>
<p>Because it was evoking in her now the same feeling it had that night, a lifetime ago.</p>
<p>Safe. Cared for. Cherised.</p>
<p>Her own thoughts suddenly terrified her.</p>
<p>Cherished? That couldn’t be, she had to be imagining things again.</p>
<p>It was too much; too soon. It was Chloe.</p>
<p>It was Beca herself. People had acted like she was important to them before. Boyfriends had, friends had. Her father had.</p>
<p>They had all left in the end. They had gotten close to her, sneaked their way under the defenses she had so meticulously constructed and straight into her heart.</p>
<p>And every time one of them left, as she knew they eventually would, a small piece of her heart went missing as well.</p>
<p>So she had numbed it all, built even higher walls to protect herself. She couldn’t lose anymore. So she wouldn’t allow herself to.</p>
<p>But Chloe had somehow, somewhere along the way, snuck in even deeper than Beca could even admit. Wrecking every wall, every barrier, as she passed. There weren’t any left anymore.</p>
<p>At least, not when it came to Chloe.</p>
<p>And frankly, Beca was tired; she could feel it somewhere –in a dark, aching place- deep in her soul.</p>
<p>She was tired of keeping people at arm’s length. She was tired of acting like she didn’t care. She was tired of running.</p>
<p>So, at that moment, she finally allowed herself to stop.</p>
<p>She blinked, trying to clear her mind from the onslaught of all the thoughts that had flooded it a few moments before. She inhaled deeply, trying to lighten her heart from all the emotions that were suffocating it, swirling rampantly inside her.</p>
<p>A second later she had to close her eyes again, though; her breath completely stolen from her.</p>
<p>Because Chloe had leaned forward, her lips landing firmly but tenderly on Beca’s.</p>
<p>There it was again; the tenderness that no more could Beca deny it existed.</p>
<p>She could feel it on her lips, as Chloe’s own moved slowly against them. She could feel it on her skin as Chloe’s small exhales through her nose touched it warmly.</p>
<p>She could feel it on her cheek when Chloe’s hand rose to cradle it in her palm, her thumb caressing it almost imperceptibly. As if she hadn’t realized she was even doing it.</p>
<p>She could feel it in the air around them while Chloe was kissing her; after so long she had almost forgotten what it felt like.</p>
<p>Almost. She could never really forget.</p>
<p>So she kissed her back before she could pull away, moving her lips in perfect rhythm with Chloe’s, tilting her head slightly to find a better angle. Her hands, refusing to stay in place, rose to cradle Chloe’s neck between them reverently; her thumbs drawing half-circles on soft skin.</p>
<p>A soft sigh escaped Chloe when their lips disconnected.</p>
<p>Beca didn’t want the moment to end yet. So she leaned her head forward the few inches that now separated them, eyes never opening, and pressed another kiss against Chloe’s lips, staying there for a few seconds.</p>
<p>Just enjoying the contact and the connection they shared in this moment.</p>
<p>Content in the knowledge that it was allowed again for her to want this; to have this.</p>
<p>When she pulled back and opened her eyes Chloe was already watching her, her eyes bright and a small smile gracing her lips. The soft, secretive smile Chloe reserved just for her.</p>
<p>She recognized it because every time it happened her heart skipped a beat.</p>
<p>It meant that –somehow; miraculously- she was special to Chloe, in some way.</p>
<p>Slowly, she saw it change; morphing into a smirk. Chloe was still staring at her, but the intensity in her eyes was now replaced by playfulness; the atmosphere lightening around them.</p>
<p>She didn’t like that at all.</p>
<p>(She also loved it)</p>
<p>-So… you punched two dudes in two days to defend my honor, huh?</p>
<p>-Come on Chlo, not this again!</p>
<p>-Is there anything else I should know about you? Joined any underground fighting clubs recently, perhaps?</p>
<p>-Seriously?</p>
<p>-I mean, I knew you were feisty, but this is on a whole other level… Also kinda hot, not gonna lie.</p>
<p>-Oh my God, dude! Shut up!</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Beca Mitchell likes not feeling overwhelmed. She doesn't do overwhelmed. She simply doesn't. She doesn't do ridiculously overflowing emotions. That's how it's always been and she'd like it if that was exactly how it continued too, thank you very much.<br/>Beca also likes having Chloe in her life though. The more the better. No matter what they're doing. She just wants to be feeling Chloe close to her as often as possible. She likes feeling her presence in her space.<br/>And those two things that Beca likes are perfectly compatible with each other. They would never clash. Why would they?</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Third chapter based on the prompt for the Weekly Bechloe Challenge: Afterlife<br/>Trigger Warning: Before anything else, let me make something clear for everyone's well-being. There are some slightly heavier topics discussed in this chapter: the passing away of a pet is discussed, cancer is mentioned, and there is the retelling of a sexual encounter that some could classify as toeing the line of conensual or not. The warning may seem excessive to some after reading but better safe than sorry. So read with that in mind please.<br/>Anyways, this chapter was simultaneously difficult and cathartic for me to write. I can only hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it.<br/>Tried something different with the dialogue structure here because it fit the flow better (and because I hear y'all)<br/>This prompt was a nightmare to fit into this story, so I took some creative liberties (again) that led to over 8k words...oh, well.<br/>And now, on with the story!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Beca Mitchell didn’t get overwhelmed. At least, not easily; like at all.</p>
<p>She managed to categorize her emotions, tame them, and shove them each in its own little box in her mind. She’d learned to cope with them that way.</p>
<p>She had to admit, it had been hard work a few times. But by now she had the whole process perfectly nailed down.</p>
<p>The fact that she generally didn’t have to deal with overwhelming by themselves emotions also helped.</p>
<p>Yes, she got sad and joyful, excited and angry, and everything else in-between. They just weren’t…all-consuming.</p>
<p>People tended not to like when that happened. So somewhere along the way –she honestly didn’t even know when exactly but it had been years for sure- Beca had adjusted.</p>
<p>She’d needed to feel less as not to scare the few people she did have away. Because she kinda didn’t want to lose them.</p>
<p>(Seemed so out of character for her, yes, she knew that, thank you)</p>
<p>So she’d done it.</p>
<p>And after all the time she’d kept doing it, she’d have never thought it would happen. Why would she? Why would it?</p>
<p>She had it all under control. It was her thing. Being calm and collected -to outsiders even rather cold and unapproachable- was her thing.</p>
<p>So her getting emotionally overwhelmed in some way; it wouldn’t happen. It couldn’t. Right?</p>
<p>Well…</p><hr/>
<p>
  <strong>
    <span class="u">December 28<sup>th</sup></span>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>“Okay, so what movie are we watching?”, Beca asked as she flopped down on Chloe’s bed.</p>
<p>It was early afternoon, and Beca had come over to Chloe’s to hang out. Watching a movie wouldn’t have been her first pick (maybe closer to last), but Chloe had suggested it and Beca found herself not shivering at the prospect in disgust.</p>
<p>So she’d agreed. As long as she got to spend a few hours with Chloe, she didn’t mind.</p>
<p>It was a small enough price to pay.</p>
<p>Chloe had already settled her laptop in front of them, as they both rested side by side against the headboard. Beca shuffled a little to make herself more comfortable, her shoulder brushing Chloe’s a few times.</p>
<p>Once she settled a few seconds later, her eyes falling on the still black screen in front of her on their own, she realized Chloe hadn’t responded yet.</p>
<p>Curious, she turned her head to the side.</p>
<p>Immediately, a frown appeared on her face, her brow knitting. Chloe seemed…sad? Definitely not in the kind of mood Beca would have expected –would have hoped- her to be in.</p>
<p>She had sounded perfectly normal on the phone earlier. Maybe something had happened?</p>
<p>“Chloe?”</p>
<p>Her tone had been as soft and quiet as she could make it, and Chloe turned her head too; their eyes meeting, only a few inches separating them.</p>
<p>Beca’s heart skipped a beat at the closeness and intimacy of it all. They were so close. If she leaned only a little bit forward…</p>
<p>Now wasn’t the time for that, she chastised herself. There was obviously something wrong with Chloe.</p>
<p>Her hormones would have to wait.</p>
<p>“Are we still watching a movie?”, she questioned gently.</p>
<p>To her confusion and slight panic, she watched tears well up in Chloe’s eyes, her favorite pools of icy blue turning glassy in the span of seconds.</p>
<p>“Hey, hey, no. We don’t have to, for real. It’s okay”, she tried to soothe her as best as she could, her body protectively leaning forward on instinct. Chloe sniffed and immediately chuckled humorlessly.</p>
<p>“Oh my God, I can’t believe I’m crying right now!” Her tone was self-deprecating and a bit embarrassed, and Beca immediately shook her head.</p>
<p>“No, Chlo, it’s okay”, she reassured her, getting a hold of her hand.</p>
<p>Chloe’s gaze fell momentarily to their joined hands, before returning to Beca’s. A tear escaped her eyes, running slowly down her cheek, and Beca had to resist the urge to wipe it away.</p>
<p>“Want to tell me what’s going on?”, Beca questioned, tone gentle once more. She didn’t do the whole consoling thing very well –she became awkward and uncomfortable- but this was Chloe.</p>
<p>Chloe shouldn’t be sad; she wouldn’t be if Beca could help it.</p>
<p>She saw Chloe considering it for a small moment, her eyes searching Beca’s face rather intensely.</p>
<p>“You’ll think it’s silly. That I’m being ridiculous”. It was almost as if there was a question somewhere in Chloe’s words; like she needed reassurance that what she’d just said wouldn’t happen.</p>
<p>Beca didn’t have to think even for a second before providing it.</p>
<p>“No, I won’t. I promise”, she said earnestly, her eyes trying to communicate the absolute truth of her statement.</p>
<p>Chloe eyed her for another moment before lowering her head, a small sigh escaping her lips. Although she’d averted her eyes, her hand remained safely nestled in Beca’s own.</p>
<p>“Today is the one year anniversary of Rosie passing away”, she revealed in a small voice. Beca was confused.</p>
<p>“Who is Rosie?”</p>
<p>A few silent seconds passed before Chloe replied, her shoulders dropping.</p>
<p>“Our family cat”, Chloe confessed; her voice even smaller than before. It felt as if she was bracing for a reaction she wouldn’t like as she kept her eyes downcast, her free hand picking at the comforter beneath them.</p>
<p>And yeah, okay. If it was any other person, maybe Beca would immediately make light of the situation. It was only a cat after all.</p>
<p>This was Chloe, however. Chloe, who was obviously upset about the information she’d just shared; who’d been in the brink of tears a couple of minutes earlier, even shedding one.</p>
<p>Beca squeezed her hand, trying to get her full attention. Indeed, at the small gesture Chloe raised her head back up, her eyes traveling slowly, timidly, until they reached Beca’s once more.</p>
<p>“I’m really sorry, Chlo”, Beca offered softly, squeezing Chloe’s hand once more.</p>
<p>She wanted to get the message across as clearly as humanly possible; she wasn’t going to laugh, or make fun of her, or tell her this was stupid or whatever.</p>
<p>Chloe could trust her to treat the subject seriously. Chloe could trust her; period.</p>
<p>Her heart skipped another beat as she watched one corner of Chloe’s lips lift in a small, thankful half-smile, a couple more tears spilling from her eyes. She continued watching her patiently, without even realizing that her thumb had started rubbing the back of Chloe’s hand softly; reassuringly.</p>
<p>Chloe’s eyes focused on their joined hands, breaking eye contact, and a moment later she inhaled slowly.</p>
<p>“I had never lost anyone close to me. At least not at an age I could remember or understand the loss. My family owned Rosie since I was six years old. I grew up with her in my life; in my space. Whenever I studied, or used my laptop, or lied somewhere, she’d come and curl up on my feet. I studied through every single one of my finals with her beside me”.</p>
<p>Beca was listening attentively to Chloe’s soft spoken words. When she stopped to swiftly wipe a fresh fallen tear away, Beca felt a small pang in her heart.</p>
<p>Yes, all this was about a cat. It was a cat that Chloe loved very much and was very attached to, though.</p>
<p>It was Chloe’s friend through childhood and adolescence, it sounded like. It was a beloved companion.</p>
<p>It wasn’t just a cat.</p>
<p>“Last year before Christmas she started eating less and less. So we took her to the vet, to see what was wrong”. Chloe’s voice had cracked at the last word. She took a deep breath, Beca’s hand never ceasing its soothing caress.</p>
<p>“The vet told us it was cancer. It was most likely too big to operate on with any feasible chance of a quality life after. So we had to make a choice. Choose if we wanted to-“, Beca watched her gulp, “-to put her down or go ahead with the surgery and see what would be discovered. That night I felt... We were discussing with my parents about what to do, what would be best for her, and I was trying to push everything down. I had to be calm, to think rationally, because this wasn’t about me. This was about Rosie”.</p>
<p>Chloe leaned back, head resting against the headboard, eyes closing. Beca assumed she was focusing on her breathing, as she watched her inhale and exhale a few times; trying to collect herself.</p>
<p>And Beca was starting to feel kind of helpless; Chloe was obviously in pain, and she didn’t know what else to do to comfort her besides holding her hand and letting her talk for however long she needed to.</p>
<p>She didn’t even know if she should do something more; if that was what Chloe needed right then.</p>
<p>“So we decided to try the surgery first; holding on to hope that it could maybe be fixed, whatever it was”, Chloe eventually continued. “It had to be in the morning, and my parents couldn’t leave work. I had to take her by myself; I’d assured them it would be okay. That I could do it”.</p>
<p>Beca felt her eyes stinging as she kept listening. No, Rosie had definitely not been just a cat to Chloe.</p>
<p> “So we went; just the two of us. I watched her go under the anesthesia, and then the surgery started. About half an hour later the vet told me the tumor was too big. Even if it was removed, she wouldn’t live a good life after. Despite that, though, there was still a decision to be made, so… I had to make it. Right there, while Rosie was under, I had to say what was going to happen”.</p>
<p>Beca watched a few tears escape from behind Chloe’s closed eyelids and trickle down her face until they reached her jaw; her not even bothering with them.</p>
<p>“I knew what was the right choice. Rosie shouldn’t have to live like this just because I didn’t want her to go. So I told the vet not to remove the tumor. To just let her go peacefully. As she deserved. And I remained standing there, crying silently, frozen to the spot, because I knew that right that second, a few feet away from me, I was losing a piece of my heart forever. And I couldn’t imagine going home and her not being there; not curling up on me, not begging me for food even though she had already eaten, not purring when I would pet her. I couldn’t imagine not having her in my life anymore. I had known her for all of it”.</p>
<p>Beca hadn’t realized she was crying. But there were a few stray tears trickling down her cheeks, more welling up slowly in her eyes.</p>
<p>Her attention had been solely focused on Chloe; the look on her face as she told the story, the tears on her cheeks, her voice that slightly trembled in places. Her hand that was grasping Beca’s as if it was anchoring her; calming her.</p>
<p>As if she needed it to keep going.</p>
<p>And Beca felt suddenly overwhelmed then; overwhelmed by the need to comfort Chloe, to make sure nothing hurt her like that again, to make sure she only smiled from then on.</p>
<p>Overwhelmed by how deeply Chloe felt, how deeply she actually cared.</p>
<p>Overwhelmed by how overwhelmed with emotion Chloe was at that moment, about her cat who died a year ago.</p>
<p>It hadn’t been just a cat to Chloe, though. And that was exactly the point.</p><hr/>
<p>
  <strong>
    <span class="u">January 5<sup>th</sup></span>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>“I love spending time with you. You always make me smile”.</p>
<p>Beca was smiling widely from ear to ear when she realized what she’d just said, entirely too late to attempt holding her mouth closed instead.</p>
<p>As she should have done, because she didn’t say things like that to Chloe. That’s not who she was.</p>
<p>She was sarcastic and dry and rude. She was closed off and kept sappy, cheesy, sentimental thoughts to herself.</p>
<p>Actually no; she didn’t have sappy, cheesy, sentimental thoughts at all, dammit!</p>
<p>At least she used not to. When she’d still being a loner and didn’t somehow end up drunk and unsupervised on the floor of her living room on a Friday night, alone with just Chloe Beale as company, laughing at a story involving a raccoon, the sprinklers, and Chloe’s dad’s coin collection.</p>
<p>Chloe who, knowing Beca’s mum would be out of town on a business trip, had come over a couple hours ago -basically self-invited…but it wasn’t as if Beca was complaining- carrying a bag full of lemons in one hand and a bottle of tequila in the other.</p>
<p>(“Dude, how do you have this right now? Do I even want to know?” “A lady doesn’t reveal her secret tricks, Bec! That’s no fun!”)</p>
<p> And for some reason, Beca had presented no objections to indulging in both. A huge mistake, obviously, because one of the things brought over was a full bottle of tequila; a bottle that stood now on the coffee table beside them almost empty.</p>
<p>Which meant she was now a bit tipsy –okay, a bit drunk actually- and such ridiculous, out of character, totally embarrassing thoughts were allowed by her stupid brain to spill out of her mouth.</p>
<p>It was all Chloe’s fault. Bringing over that bottle. Being so incredible and beautiful, like all the time…</p>
<p>(Oh my fucking God, stop it!)</p>
<p>Beca felt a deep blush spreading rapidly up her neck and onto her face, her cheeks burning. She didn’t even want to know how closely she resembled a tomato at that moment.</p>
<p>Chuckling awkwardly she averted her gaze, focusing her attention on the wooden surface of the coffee table instead. She was drunk, yes; she wasn’t drunk enough not to be mortified by her words, though.</p>
<p>“Hey”, she heard Chloe say softly, obviously seeking her attention.</p>
<p>She’d found it increasingly hard lately to refuse her.</p>
<p>Apprehensively, she let her eyes meet Chloe’s gentle ones. They were sitting side by side, partly facing each other, their backs resting against the lower part of the couch behind them.</p>
<p>The very small distance between them did nothing for Beca not to get lost in her favorite shade of blue.</p>
<p>“That was a really sweet thing to say, Bec. You shouldn’t be embarrassed”, Chloe reassured her with a small smile. For a moment, Beca found herself returning it.</p>
<p>Which caused her to roll her eyes as soon as she realized.</p>
<p>“Stop, dude. You’re turning me into a total sap”.</p>
<p>Chloe’s giggle had her heart fluttering in her chest.</p>
<p>“No I’m not! You already were a big softie under all that alternative crap, Bec; no point denying it!”</p>
<p>Beca gasped in mock exasperation.</p>
<p>“Of course I wasn’t! I used to be a total badass before you came along, all adorable and amazing and beautiful!”</p>
<p>(God dammit!)</p>
<p>They both stared at each other stunned for a short moment; when Beca saw a disbelieving, moved smile starting to spread on Chloe’s face she grunted in frustration –what the hell had she been fucking thinking, getting fucking drunk with Chloe! She should have known this would fucking happen!-, hiding her face in her hands.</p>
<p>Soon after, she felt slender fingers caressing one of her wrists, gripping it gently and tugging it away from her face slowly. Sighing dejectedly, she let the other hand fall away as well; she totally deserved Chloe’s teasing at that point.</p>
<p>She should accept it and then move on; while possibly refraining from making similar comments in the future.</p>
<p>Chloe, however, didn’t seem to be in a teasing mood like she would normally be; Beca was forgetting that she was also drunk. Or rather, tipsy. She seemed to be handling her liquor better than Beca was.</p>
<p>No, Chloe was now wearing her special, secret smile. The one Beca knew she reserved only for her. Her heart fluttered again at the sight.</p>
<p>“You think I’m all those things?” Chloe asked softly, genuine question lacing her tone.</p>
<p>Beca didn’t know how there could ever be a doubt about that. Chloe had to know she was all those things and a hundred more Beca could never manage putting into words.</p>
<p>She was Chloe Beale!</p>
<p>“Of course I do, Chlo”, she reassured in a quiet voice. “Why would you even ask that?”</p>
<p>“It’s just that…well, you…” She watched Chloe hesitate for a second before continuing, even more softly than before “you just never say things like that. To me. You haven’t before”.</p>
<p>Chloe lowered her eyes, suddenly bashful, and Beca realized she was right. Chloe had paid her quite a few compliments in the short time they were…friendly (again, was that the right word? …whatever, not important right then), but Beca never had.</p>
<p>Something that apparently had made Chloe question the existence of those thoughts in Beca’s head.</p>
<p>Which was unacceptable, and Chloe should know that.</p>
<p>Beca sighed and scooted a little to the side, closing the distance between them almost entirely before bumping Chloe’s shoulder with her own gently.</p>
<p>Eventually Chloe’s eyes were staring back at her, and Beca inhaled a small breath to steady herself. She needed to explain, and that wouldn’t be easy; there was the whole I-don’t-talk-about-my-emotions-and-that’s-that thing she had going, after all.</p>
<p>Dismantling Chloe’s doubts was more important, though.</p>
<p>“It’s not easy for me saying these things out loud. Making others aware in any way of my feelings for them in general. I don’t do that. Haven’t done it in a long time. But”, she emphasized the word, tilting her head slightly, “that doesn’t mean I don’t feel or believe them, Chlo. Please don’t doubt that”.</p>
<p>She watched Chloe watching her for a long moment; those warm pools of icy blue almost drowning her in them for the hundredth time.</p>
<p>They were so close at that moment. Her rational side was whispering in her ear to let the moment be; allow Chloe time to think, take her words in, and realize how true they were without pushing her.</p>
<p>Beca was drunk, however. So fuck her rational side.</p>
<p>Shutting her brain off, Beca covered the last few inches between them and pressed her lips against Chloe’s. She applied only a little pressure, not moving them otherwise. Just resting them there unhurriedly; soaking in the feeling of Chloe’s reciprocating a second later.</p>
<p>She wanted that kiss to be firm, but tender. Decisive, but reassuring. Loving.</p>
<p>She had always been better with actions than words anyway.</p>
<p>So she allowed the moment between to stretch, pouring everything she had into the simple action; hoping that, somehow, Chloe would get at least some of it.</p>
<p>When she finally pulled back, she allowed only a few inches between them. Chloe’s eyes were still closed when her hand came up, seemingly on its own, to tack a stray curl behind her ear. Her fingers traced the line of her jaw as they retreated, and she watched Chloe lean slightly into the small caress.</p>
<p>Her hand returned to rest on her lap at the same time Chloe’s eyes met hers again. And Beca felt that they had silently reached the understanding she was hoping for. A few seconds passed before-</p>
<p>“Who was it?”</p>
<p>Beca hadn’t expected the almost whispered question. She didn’t understand it either.</p>
<p>“Who was what?”</p>
<p>“The last person you let in”, Chloe explained simply.</p>
<p>Beca didn’t have to answer. She knew that Chloe wouldn’t push her.</p>
<p>She found herself wanting to.</p>
<p>“My best friend; at least she was up until one and a half years ago”.</p>
<p>Chloe’s attention never faltered as her eyes held Beca’s. Beca could feel the warmth and reassurance they radiated; crushing into her as if in invisible waves.</p>
<p>“Nancy and I…we had been inseparable since we were eleven. We were so different, but somehow, miraculously, we clicked. We always understood each other. She was the person who understood me the most out of almost anyone else; sometimes, the person who understood me the most, period”.</p>
<p>Beca wanted to break eye contact, to look away. Chloe wouldn’t let her, though. It was as if she was trapped in bottomless, infinite oceans; and it felt… comfortingly liberating.</p>
<p>The only choice, it seemed, was to continue talking; to let it all out.</p>
<p>“I think I had, at some point, subconsciously realized how close we had become. We had a conversation once, can’t even remember now what about, but she’d given me the advice you’d expect to receive from someone who-“, Beca gulped, trying to control her emotions, “-someone who has seen your very soul; every part of your being”.</p>
<p>As soon as she’d said those words, she had the urge to take them back. She didn’t talk like that.</p>
<p>She never, ever allowed others to know she thought like that.</p>
<p>Chloe must have sensed her imminent retreat, though; her left hand coming to rest on Beca’s right one.</p>
<p>She didn’t move it, at all. Didn’t try to reassure her any more than the initial movement had. Beca understood.</p>
<p>Chloe wanted her to know that it was okay for her to have said those words. To have felt them. To mean them.</p>
<p>It was okay.</p>
<p>“So at some point, I started not calling her back. Canceling plans, finding excuses not to hang out; basically ignoring her. And I hadn’t realized for the longest time why I’d done that, being such an asshole to my best friend. Why had I pushed her away so forcefully”.</p>
<p>Beca chuckled humorlessly.</p>
<p>“Wanna know why I fucking did that?” she asked Chloe, almost rhetorically; receiving a small nod as an answer.</p>
<p>“Because I was fucking <strong>testing</strong> her! To see at what point she’d realize I wasn’t worth sticking around and leave. Because why the hell would <strong>anyone</strong> who knew me, really, <strong>actually</strong> knew me, my real self, would ever want to stick around, right?”</p>
<p>Two tears escaped Beca’s eyes, running down her cheeks. She didn’t bother with them. She was staring at Chloe like never before.</p>
<p>Waiting for her to tell her how fucked up what she’d done had been; to then, rightfully, get up and leave.</p>
<p>Begging her not to.</p>
<p>Chloe’s gaze didn’t falter, despite how intense Beca’s had become. She seemed as calm as before, unfazed by what she’d heard.</p>
<p>Like it hadn’t been awful, at all.</p>
<p>“What happened then?” Chloe questioned quietly; delicately. Almost as if she was trying not to break something extremely fragile.</p>
<p>“She managed to put up with my bullshit for about two months, the summer before junior high. And then one afternoon she texted me, telling me it was over because I was unfair and hurtful to her, and she couldn’t take that anymore”. Beca shrugged in defeat. “She walked away just like I was forcing her to do. My best friend walked away and I only have my own fucking self to blame”.</p>
<p>“No”, Chloe shook her head immediately. “Yes, you didn’t treat her right, and she was trying for months to reach you, to communicate. But she shouldn’t have done that with a text. She should have sat you down and talked to you one last time, okay? You had been friends for years; no matter how shitty you were for two months, it wasn’t your fault entirely. She should have done more as well, Bec”.</p>
<p>Beca was shaking her head in turn, before Chloe had even finished talking. Chloe didn’t let her voice her disagreement, though.</p>
<p>“No, Bec, listen to me. When you have a relationship like the one you described to me, you try until the bitter end. You are supposed to want to. Even if it has hurt you, it should hurt you more to just walk away without a resolution. Without even trying to find out if there’s something else going on”.</p>
<p>Beca knew there was doubt written all over her face, because that’s exactly how she felt. She watched as Chloe took in her expression, a soft smile spreading on her lips a few seconds later.</p>
<p>Despite that, her eyes had become even more intense and serious, however. Beca had seen that fire burning before.</p>
<p>It represented who Chloe Beale was in the deepest places of her heart.</p>
<p>“I promise you, Bec; you won’t push me away. Even if you try, you can’t. I won’t let you. Okay? I promise”.</p>
<p>Beca would like to say something then; to thank Chloe for even saying what she’d just said. Her words meant more to Beca than she could ever put into words, but she’d still like to try.</p>
<p>She couldn’t though.</p>
<p>Because, as a few more tears trickled down her cheeks, she felt completely overwhelmed; for the second time in the span of one week.</p>
<p>For the second time because of Chloe; because of the sudden need that rose inside her to hug Chloe and never let her go. Never let Chloe let her go.</p>
<p>The need to express to her that it felt like her words alone had fixed one of the many small, painful cracks in her heart; and how grateful to her very bones she was for that.</p>
<p>She knew, though, that Chloe somehow understood all that without Beca having to say anything at all. And that was exactly the point.</p><hr/>
<p>
  <strong>
    <span class="u">January 9<sup>th</sup></span>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>Beca knew she shouldn’t have been surprised that what was happening at that moment was actually happening. She should have expected it at some point.</p>
<p>Yes, Chloe and she had been taking things slow. It was more of a silent agreement than anything else, the fact that they wanted to do things properly this time around. Get to know each other better.</p>
<p>They had been spending a lot of time together; studying, watching movies, going out for coffee (where those dates? like, actual dates? did they count? …anyway), listening to music…</p>
<p>Beca’s secret favorite –which she would definitely never and under any circumstances be persuaded to reveal, ever- was when they would just sit and talk, though. Didn’t matter if their conversations were silly or serious, about small or big things. She loved them all equally.</p>
<p>Because it was then that their chemistry and connection was highlighted the most. They got each other.</p>
<p>Chloe got her. And still wanted to know more, always.</p>
<p>That knowledge alone had Beca’s heart skipping beats at random intervals.</p>
<p>So yes. They’d been taking things slow. It was perfectly fine; Beca couldn’t have less of a problem with it.</p>
<p>However, their chemistry and connection were also apparent in other ways. Ways that had eyes darkening, pulses quickening, cheeks blushing, heat rising…basically, ways that had them ridiculously attracted to each other.</p>
<p>Beca had felt it, quite often; it was only natural with how many hours daily they spent together and how familiar with each other they’d already become.</p>
<p>Also…this was Chloe Beale. How could someone not be attracted to her?</p>
<p>But Beca had also seen her be attracted to her; in those moments Chloe had had a specific look in her eyes, along with her secret smile; which was rude and entirely unfair.</p>
<p>Normal Chloe was hot. Chloe openly attracted to Beca? That was simply on another level.</p>
<p>…Which was exactly why Beca shouldn’t have been surprised at all they had ended up where they currently were.</p>
<p>In Chloe’s room, door locked, music left playing. On Chloe’s bed. Kissing.</p>
<p>Okay, that was the understatement of the century. It had started as kissing, sure.</p>
<p>Then Chloe’s lips had become more insistent, more urgent, as they’d moved against Beca’s.</p>
<p>A fact Beca could handle perfectly fine; until Chloe’s tongue had teased her bottom lip, seeking entrance into her mouth, and Beca had been a goner.</p>
<p>Their mouths hadn’t broken apart as they’d brought their bodies closer together, leaving no space between them. Even as Chloe had pushed Beca slowly to lie back on the comforter, her head against the pillows; because Chloe had followed Beca’s mouth with her own, maintaining the heated contact.</p>
<p>It had taken only a few seconds for Chloe to be hovering above her, Beca instantly spreading her thighs to make room for her to come closer.</p>
<p>Beca didn’t know how much time had passed since they’d started this.</p>
<p>Chloe’s mouth was traveling up and down her neck now, sucking the skin between her lips and occasionally tracing it with her teeth and tongue, her small hums of approval reverberating against it. Her hot breath was causing goosebumps to appear on Beca’s already overheated, wet skin as it kept traveling over it.</p>
<p>So it wasn’t like Beca could concentrate on such mundane things as the passage of time.</p>
<p>Chloe was using her left arm to keep herself up, while her right hand was running up and down Beca’s side over her shirt. The teasing, insistent touch -from Beca’s hip to just under her breasts and back again- was repeatedly coaxing shivers out of Beca, turning her on more with each passing second.</p>
<p>Beca was already out of breath. She could feel Chloe’s fiery strands between her fingers, Chloe’s presence ghosting over every inch of her skin. She could feel Chloe’s touch and the wetness of her lips on her body.</p>
<p>It wasn’t even close to being enough; she needed more contact.</p>
<p>She needed more of Chloe.</p>
<p>So she forced her hands to leave Chloe’s hair and travel to her shoulders, pulling her closer. Wanting to feel her as close as possible.</p>
<p>Giving Chloe no option but to rest her full weight against her, their breasts pressed together, Chloe’s hips bearing down against Beca between her thighs.</p>
<p>Not that Chloe was complaining, if the soft moan she released at the contact was anything to go by.</p>
<p>It was the small sound above all else that had Beca releasing a moan of her own; heat cursing through her body and pooling low and heartbeat racing.</p>
<p>Her back arched as Chloe’s mouth started sucking at the spot where her neck met her collarbone. She nibbled the skin there harder for a moment, causing a gasp and then another moan to escape Beca’s mouth –both at the sensation and the thought that Chloe wanted to leave a mark on her- before soothing it with her tongue.</p>
<p>Beca could feel her smirk against her skin.</p>
<p>Seemingly satisfied with the result, Chloe abandoned her neck then, crashing her lips against Beca’s a second later.</p>
<p>Beca deepened the kiss immediately, her hands coming up to cradle Chloe’s face between her palms, desperate to find a better angle; to bring them closer still.</p>
<p>She was becoming lightheaded by the lack of oxygen and the intensity of the moment already when Chloe’s hands traced down her body and slipped under the hem of her shirt; causing her breath to hitch.</p>
<p>She felt warm fingers caressing her skin purposefully and she shivered, the small contact enough to make her ache for more; so much more.</p>
<p>Chloe seemed to appreciate her reaction as she kissed her even harder, her body pressing Beca’s firmly into the mattress.</p>
<p>Beca could feel Chloe between her thighs then -actually, really feel her- and she was ready to ask –she would beg at this point, honestly- for her to touch her properly already, when she felt Chloe freezing above her; abruptly stopping everything she was doing.</p>
<p>Beca’s eyes snapped open, staring questioningly at Chloe’s face.</p>
<p>She was ready to ask what was happening, if everything was okay, when Chloe pulled away from her completely and sat up on the bed.</p>
<p>She was still kneeling between Beca’s thighs, thoug; the sight of her just sitting there, a hand running through her wild curls to push them away from her still flushed face, did some interesting things to Beca. She pushed them down, though.</p>
<p>The moment had ended and there was obviously something wrong with Chloe.</p>
<p>Taking a couple deep breaths to calm down Beca sat up as well, scooting backwards a little; just to so she wouldn’t end up flush against Chloe’s body.</p>
<p>“Chlo?”</p>
<p>“Can you turn that song off please?”</p>
<p>“Do you want me to skip it, or-“</p>
<p>“I don’t care, just turn it off”.</p>
<p>Beca nodded as she rushed to get her phone out of her back pocket. She had connected one of her spotify playlists to Chloe’s bluetooth speakers earlier; a choice that had turned around to bite her in the ass, apparently.</p>
<p>She turned the music off altogether and tossed her phone beside her without another glance, her attention shifting immediately to Chloe. Their eyes met and her utter confusion must have been showing on her face because Chloe sighed right after, her hand running through her hair again.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry, I’m being ridiculous. I ruined our moment and-“</p>
<p>“No, no, no”, Beca interrupted her, shaking her head emphatically and reaching out to take Chloe’s left hand in her right one, “stop that, it’s fine”.</p>
<p>Chloe seemed to be considering how sincere that statement was, so Beca squeezed her hand firmly in reassurance. Once she saw her relax some, Beca offered her a small smile and nodded, showing her approval of the silent understanding they’d just reached.</p>
<p>“Okay”, Beca exhaled, her eyes never leaving Chloe’s. “But, like…Do you wanna tell me what happened? It’s totally cool if you don’t!” she rushed to add.</p>
<p>Chloe rolled her eyes in a manner that resembled Beca’s signature ones entirely too much.</p>
<p>“It’s stupid and a complete overreaction. I just kinda hate that song. Don’t like listening to it, ever”.</p>
<p>“Locked away?”, Beca couldn’t help but ask, surprised disbelief coloring her tone.</p>
<p>She wouldn’t have expected the simple, ordinary Adam Levine song to elicit such a strong reaction from Chloe; or from anyone, for that matter.</p>
<p>“Yeah”, Chloe confirmed bitterly. “I used to love that song after I’d discovered it. Listened to it on repeat, I couldn’t get enough of it. And then it happened to be playing in the car during my first time”.</p>
<p>Beca’s jaw dropped. That was definitely not the direction she’d expected this conversation to take.</p>
<p>She wanted to tell Chloe that she didn’t need to explain; she had a feeling the memory wasn’t a good one and didn’t want her to feel obligated to relive it for Beca’s sake.</p>
<p>Her brain hadn’t managed to put her thoughts into words yet before Chloe continued, however.</p>
<p>“It was the fall of our sophomore year. Me and him, we hadn’t been dating for long”. Chloe instantly rolled her eyes at herself again. “Okay, that’s such an understatement. It was our second date. He had a car, so he brought me to a secluded spot with a nice view of the town down below”.</p>
<p>Beca felt something unpleasant rising in her throat, her heart clenching in her chest.</p>
<p>“Chlo…” There was a hint of a question in the way she’d said her name, worry lacing her tone, and Chloe seemed to pick up on the meaning of it after a couple of seconds.</p>
<p>“Oh, no! No, no, it wasn’t like that! I made it sound…no, nothing like that!”, she hurried to reassure Beca, who let out a breath she hadn’t known she’d been holding.</p>
<p>“No, it wasn’t like that”, Chloe continued. “But it wasn’t nice either. You know how everyone was back then! Constantly talking about sex; having it, being asked to have it, wondering if it was too soon to have it…ugh, almost every conversation was about it! Or maybe I felt that way”, Chloe uttered the last sentence quietly, her eyes focusing on the comforter instead of Beca’s face.</p>
<p>“Suddenly there was so much pressure to have sex and not be a virgin anymore. It sounds stupid in retrospect, because it wasn’t like someone actually said something to me or implied I should, but…” She met Beca’s gaze again, as if pleading with her to understand. “It was almost expected. Like everyone was waiting for you to tell them if had finally happened, you know?”</p>
<p>Yes, Beca understood; she knew what Chloe was talking about. She hadn’t allowed for it to affect her as much as Chloe seemed to, but still.</p>
<p>She nodded; trying to communicate that it was okay. She got it.</p>
<p>Seemingly reassured, Chloe carried on.</p>
<p>“Anyway, we went on this date and, well…we started making out. And, okay, I mean…I got kind of turned on. So I was okay with kissing, and over my shirt touching, and then under it, and then his hands were under my bra and it was still fine…mostly. But then he wanted to go to the back seat, and I wasn’t sure because I knew what he expected to happen despite having already told him I was a virgin. I knew”, she repeated, almost self-deprecatingly.</p>
<p>Beca didn’t like that, at all. She wanted to interject, reassure Chloe somehow, but decided to let her get it all out without interrupting. She looked like she needed to.</p>
<p>“I didn’t want him to break up with me. I wanted to be in a relationship, any relationship, because it seemed expected of me. So, I agreed to go to the back seat. I agreed to take my pants off. But it felt so…uncomfortable. So I told him then to maybe just touch me…you know. And he did, for a little while; I could see on his face how much of a chore he thought it was. It didn’t even feel good. So I tried to guide him a little bit. Hoping he would like the whole thing better if he could make me feel good. And yes, I know how stupid that sounds, trust me”. Chloe chuckled humorlessly.</p>
<p>“Do you wanna know what he told me then?”</p>
<p>Beca could only nod, her thoughts a jumbled mess inside her head. She had trouble absorbing everything she was hearing.</p>
<p>“He told me ‘I can’t do much just by touching your clit”. Those were his exact words, and he was dead serious”.</p>
<p>This Beca could absolutely not believe had happened. How the fuck could it? How the fuck does someone…?</p>
<p>Chloe chuckled humorlessly again, throwing her arms in the air in defeat.</p>
<p>“I <strong>knew</strong> it was total bullshit for someone to say that, to believe it in the first place! But I <strong>still</strong> didn’t want him to leave me! So I told him it was okay, that we could have sex instead! I <strong>agreed</strong>! So he took his pants and our underwear off, put on a condom, and just…did it. He didn’t touch me or kiss me again; or anything really. He just got on top of me and…”</p>
<p>Chloe motioned vaguely with her hand instead of saying the words, but Beca had understood everything regardless. She understood the events of that night perfectly; comprehending the whole thing, though…that was a different story.</p>
<p>“I just lied there, through the entire thing”, Chloe went on, bitter dejection coloring every word. “Didn’t feel anything, physically or emotionally. He never tried for me to. When he finished, we just got dressed and he took me home. That was it. I felt so used and worthless that night”, Chloe confessed quietly. “I felt like…like during the entire thing I hadn’t being a person to him, just an object he could use for a few minutes. It was my first time, a fact he’d known, and he couldn’t have cared less”.</p>
<p>Beca hadn’t realized she’d been holding Chloe’s hand with both of her own for some time. When she did, she started rubbing soothing circles on the back of it with both of her thumbs.</p>
<p>She didn’t know what else to do at this point.</p>
<p>Chloe seemed lost in thought for a moment; Beca didn’t want that. She didn’t want her thinking of that night and how that fucker her treated her a second longer.</p>
<p>“So the song”, she tilted her head as Chloe’s eyes refocused on hers, “it was playing that night on the radio?”</p>
<p>“Yeah…played couple of times. It was my most favorite song at the time, and I couldn’t bear listening to it after because it reminded me of how I’d felt then. That I was good only for a quick fuck and nothing more”.</p>
<p>Chloe sighed and shook her head.</p>
<p>“Wanna know the icing on the cake, though? I’d told him I hadn’t had sex before, and that I wanted to wait and take it slow. I’d told him that night, before. What I found out two weeks later, when he broke up with me over text, was that after everything had happened he’d been sure I’d lied to him. As he’d driven me home, I had explained that there hadn’t been any blood or pain because…”</p>
<p>Beca watched Chloe blush, struggling to continue, before she took a deep breath.</p>
<p>“I implied the reason was that I had touched myself before. That I had…”</p>
<p>Beca nodded to show that she understood what she was trying to say; that Chloe didn’t need to stress over finding the right words.</p>
<p>“I’d let him know, although it had been really embarrassing. And he ended up never believing me anyway. Instead, he’d been sure I was just trying to appear innocent and hard to get. He’d written that in his break up text as well...” Chloe tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, her eyes boring into Beca’s. “I decided then I never wanted to be treated or feel like that again. I never wanted to feel used and abandoned after sex again”.</p>
<p>Chloe’s eyes had welled up as she spoke the last two sentences softly; they showed all her vulnerability, underlying all the insecurities her words and tone of voice had betrayed.</p>
<p>Beca was consumed by the overwhelming need to promise to her, to reassure her, that she would never treat her in any way similar to that.</p>
<p>That she didn’t deserve what had happened to her. No matter if she had technically agreed, technically allowed it to happen, it wasn’t her fault; that her actions didn’t absolve that asshole of anything he’d done.</p>
<p>She didn’t deserve any of it.</p>
<p>And Beca found herself feeling overwhelmed again.</p>
<p>Not by anger; she’d felt that while Chloe was talking earlier. Anger at how carelessly and unfairly she’d been treated.</p>
<p>Not by guilt; although she did feel guilty, all the way to the deepest parts of her heart.</p>
<p>She’d made Chloe feel similarly, two and a half months ago. They’d slept together –which she now knew had meant a lot to Chloe- and then everything had fallen apart between them.</p>
<p>There was a misunderstanding the both of them weren’t responsible for, sure. But they could have talked and cleared things up sooner; much, much sooner.</p>
<p>Beca could have grown the balls to confront her, make the first move.</p>
<p>She hadn’t.</p>
<p>And Chloe had been left feeling just like that night two years ago; she could see it in Chloe’s eyes as they remained locked with hers.</p>
<p>She could see all the hurt she’d caused her; unknowingly, but still.</p>
<p>But it wasn’t guilt either.</p>
<p>She was simply overwhelmed by everything that Chloe Beale was.</p>
<p>Because there wasn’t any accusation in Chloe’s eyes. All she could see was Chloe almost pleading with Beca to understand her and her insecurities; pleading with her no to hurt her again.</p>
<p>The look in her eyes was gentle.</p>
<p>She’d hurt Chloe and caused her to feel similarly to how she’d felt back then. Similarly to how Chloe had promised herself she wouldn’t tolerate again.</p>
<p>And yet, Chloe was pleading with her no to do it again while sitting with Beca on her bed, making her most vulnerable feelings known; having given Beca the chance to be there, with her.</p>
<p>Keeping Beca close herself. Wanting her close, despite everything. And that was exactly the point.</p><hr/>
<p>
  <strong>
    <span class="u">January 10<sup>th</sup></span>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>Beca hadn’t slept the night before.</p>
<p>After she’d returned home pretty late from Chloe’s she’d tossed and turned in her bed for hours, unable to turn her mind of. There had been so many jumbled thoughts and feelings in it that she’d given up on sleep around 4am.</p>
<p>Thankfully, that morning they had a free day from school –some administrative stuff or something, she wasn’t sure - so at least she’d had that to look forward to. Plus, maybe she would be able to take a nap for a couple of hours.</p>
<p>She’d also see Chloe again. They’d arranged to meet after breakfast at Beca’s house to catch up on the schoolwork they hadn’t gotten down to the day before.</p>
<p>Despite the homework they’d be doing, Beca had been looking forward to it the most out of everything else she’d planned for the day.</p>
<p>(…It was Chloe, obviously, and not the homework. Duh.)</p>
<p>And yet, she’d managed to end up on the couch in her living room crying her eyes out, at nine in the morning.</p>
<p>She didn’t even recognize herself anymore. Those things didn’t happen to her; ever. She was being ridiculous and irrationally overemotional over nothing.</p>
<p>She knew that, but that wasn’t stopping the tears from streaming down her face.</p>
<p>She just felt… so fucking tired. Exhausted, really; from her complete lack of sleep, from her own inner turmoil, from what had happened about half an hour earlier…</p>
<p>Everything seemed too much that morning. Her heart was beating painfully inside her chest from how overwhelming everything felt.</p>
<p>“Bec?”</p>
<p>Beca’s eyes shot up and immediately met Chloe’s worried ones across the room, a few feet away. She was slightly confused for a couple of seconds and then she inwardly cursed herself.</p>
<p>Of course Chloe was there.</p>
<p>She was supposed to come over after breakfast. Beca had told her to actually come right in, that she’d leave the door unlocked and not to bother knocking.</p>
<p>So of course Chloe was there, watching Beca bawling her eyes out, at 9am.</p>
<p>Of course.</p>
<p>Why wouldn’t she be?</p>
<p>Beca lowered her gaze to the carpet, embarrassed Chloe had found her like that. She’d shed a few tears in her presence before, but they’d been just that; a few tears. Not these ridiculous fucking waterworks.</p>
<p>She didn’t hear Chloe approaching, as the carpet under their feet muffled her steps. She only realized she’d done so when the couch beside her dipped, indicating Chloe had taken a seat.</p>
<p>After a few seconds a slender, creamy white hand appeared in her line of vision, coming to rest on one of her own gently. Chloe’s warm fingers started drawing small, abstract patterns over her skin there; it was so comforting and familiar that Beca exhaled a long breath, her eyes closing.</p>
<p>Chloe allowed her the time to calm down and collect herself, not uttering a single word. She just kept her fingers moving, their pattern unchanging; which was, strangely, exactly what Beca needed.</p>
<p>(Maybe it wasn’t so strange, but Beca refused to deal with that thought. It had only been a couple of weeks, for god’s sake!)</p>
<p>It had been a long moment before Beca opened her eyes again, wiped the last of her tears away swiftly –hoping they’d just… stay away for the foreseeable future-, and dared to lift her head.</p>
<p>Chloe had been watching her the whole time, evident by how their eyes met as soon as Beca turned her head towards her side of the couch.</p>
<p>She was calm, but her worry was still written all over her face; shining through her eyes the most and inexplicably turning their blue a shade darker than normal.</p>
<p>Tears threatened to fall again from Beca’s eyes at the sight, but she held them back.</p>
<p>Enough of that already.</p>
<p>“Are you okay? What happened?” Chloe asked, her tone soft and her voice quiet.</p>
<p>Beca rolled her eyes in pretend light-heartedness.</p>
<p>“I didn’t sleep well and now I’m overemotional over nothing. Don’t worry, I’m okay”.</p>
<p>“Bec”, Chloe all but whispered, her hand stopping its movements and now holding Beca’s tenderly instead, “this didn’t seem like nothing. Please talk to me?”</p>
<p>Beca didn’t know if Chloe had meant to phrase that last part like a question or if it had just come out that way; she couldn’t tell.</p>
<p>She understood the meaning behind it anyway, though.</p>
<p>Don’t close off. Don’t push me away. I don’t want you to. I’m here.</p>
<p>Pushing tears down once more –it was ridiculous, honestly- Beca sighed.</p>
<p>“My dad called this morning. He’s coming to town in the weekend and wants to meet up for dinner or something”. She saw the confused look on Chloe’s face and realized she had to explain a bit more than that. “We’ve talked on the phone but haven’t seen each other in six months; not since he moved after the divorce”.</p>
<p>“Okay…but why is it a bad thing that he wants to see you? I get that you guys haven’t met in a long time, but… don’t you want to see him?” Chloe asked tentatively.</p>
<p>Beca sighed again.</p>
<p>“I mean yeah, but like…our relationship is complicated. There are things that happened in the past that I can’t just- you know, just- <strong>move on</strong> from like <strong>nothing</strong> happened! That’s what he expects from me and I <strong>can’t</strong> just do that! Let him think they didn’t mean anything or- or that they were fucking okay, or-“</p>
<p>Beca’s voice cracked, tears falling down her face. She didn’t want to be crying again, but she gave up. Her emotions were all over the place, she was tired…; she couldn’t control it.</p>
<p>“Hey, it’s okay”, Chloe reassured her softly, shifting her body to face Beca fully. She was now holding Beca’s hand in both of her own, gripping it tightly; reassuringly “You don’t have to meet with him if you don’t want to, it’s okay”.</p>
<p>“But I want to, he’s…He’s my dad”, Beca said in a small voice. “It’s just that it’s gonna be hard, navigating that, and I’d like to-“</p>
<p>“To what?” Chloe pressed when she cut her sentence short. “To what, Bec?”</p>
<p>Beca took a deep breath.</p>
<p>Here went nothing.</p>
<p>“I’d like to bring with me someone close to me, someone who gets me. I’d like to bring you. But”, she hurried to continued, “my dad…he’s really old-fashioned and I could only bring you as a friend and that’s not fair to you because that’s not what we are and I don’t want him knowing what we are, what I am, but that’s also unfair to you because I don’t want-“</p>
<p>“Beca”, Chloe interrupted her.</p>
<p>Beca looked at her questioningly through the tears that were still falling; and to her surprise she saw a small smile lifting the corners of Chloe’s lips.</p>
<p>“Breathe”, Chloe urged her softly. “You’re rambling. Just breathe for a second. It’s okay”.</p>
<p>“I just…I can’t come out to him, Chlo. I <strong>can’t</strong>!”</p>
<p>“You don’t have to. You don’t. Okay?”</p>
<p>“But”, Beca uttered quietly; brokenly, “you’re too important. I don’t ever want you to be a secret”.</p>
<p>She hoped Chloe understood what she was trying to say. That she was struggling to fit in a few words something that consisted of a myriad of thoughts and emotions.</p>
<p>Beca watched as her words hit Chloe; a quick, astonished look passing over her face.</p>
<p>Chloe’s expression softened even more than before then. Her small, secret smile –her Beca smile- settled on her lips as one of her hands came up to gently wipe the tears away from Beca’s cheeks.</p>
<p>“Bec”, she uttered tenderly, “we’ll figure it out. We’ve been through a lot; both with each other and each of us on our own. This…this is…”</p>
<p>Beca kept watching her as she searched her mind for the right word; contentment washing over Chloe’s features when she finally found it.</p>
<p>“This is our afterlife, okay? You know, where people go after their hardships are over so their souls can finally rest? This is ours. This is our afterlife. So we’ll figure it out”.</p>
<p>Tears threatened to escape Beca’s eyes again at that -…seriously?-, but for an entirely different reason this time.</p>
<p>She was still overwhelmed by everything.</p>
<p>She was still –always- overwhelmed by Chloe; and all the feelings that were born in the deepest parts of her heart because of her.</p>
<p>She didn’t do overwhelmed. She didn’t allow it to happen. She didn’t like it.</p>
<p>And yet, right at that moment, she treasured the jumbled emotions and the sweet ache in her chest. Because they meant that this –this still unlabeled thing between them- was real; that she was lucky enough to be experiencing it.</p>
<p>Lucky enough to be experiencing Chloe.</p>
<p>So she returned Chloe’s smile for a second, showing her that her reassurance had worked; that she agreed.</p>
<p>…And then she rolled her eyes in mock annoyance –she was still Beca Mitchell after all.</p>
<p>“Afterlife? Seriously, dude?”</p>
<p>“What?! It fits!”</p>
<p>“It’s so cheesy!”</p>
<p>“So?”</p>
<p>“You’re so weird…”</p>
<p>“Thanks! And don't act like that! I know you love it”.</p>
<p> “Yeah…yeah, I do”.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Life is not a fairytale. Love isn't either.<br/>They can be. They can be turned into one.<br/>But people are only human after all.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Fourth chapter based on the prompt for the Weekly Bechloe Challenge: Crash<br/>Noticed the rating change i hope. Either way, ahead lies smut, so be aware of that.<br/>No other warnings in this chapter, beside some angst (but that shouldn't be anything new to anyone who's read the previous chapters anyway)<br/>On that note, fluff was requested for this chapter...but it turned into heavier angst than before? this story basically writes itself, so i claim no responsibility for that!<br/>This chapter was a big challenge for me to write, for many reasons, so i hope you enjoy it.<br/>And now, on with the story!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The first time was in the girls’ bathroom.</p><p>“Did you see Mitchell and Beale at lunch today?”</p><p>“Oh my God, yes! Since when is <strong>that</strong> happening?!”</p><p>“I think the better question is <strong>why</strong> it’s happening. I mean, honestly…”</p><p>“I know! What does Beale even see in her I’ll never know”.</p><p>“No idea. It’s not like Mitchell is anything worth writing home about”.</p><p>“Maybe it’s Beale’s new project. You know, fix the grumpy recluse or something”.</p><p>“If that’s true, I don’t know what she’s thinking. Mitchell is nowhere near worth it for Beale to stoop so low”.</p><p>“Ugh, I know. It’s like she hasn’t thought of what people will think, like at all!”</p><p>“Well, she should! For a Bella to be involved with that kind of riffraff…What is this school even turning into?”</p><p>“For real. Now come on, the bell is about to go off”.</p><p>Beca waited inside the stall she’d been occupying for the past several minutes much longer than she needed to after the two girls had left, before the bell ringing forced her to leave herself.</p>
<hr/><p>The second time was right outside the school gym, after a Bellas’ rehearsal.</p><p>“Hey, Chloe, how about a smoothie? We can go to that place down the road that just opened, I heard it’s good”.</p><p>“Sorry Bree, can’t today. I already have plans with Beca”.</p><p>“Ugh, seriously Chloe?”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“I thought it was just a rumor going around. I refused to believe you’d do something like this!”</p><p>“Something like what?”</p><p>“This! <strong>Her</strong>! She’s Beca Mitchell, Chloe!”</p><p>“Your point being?”</p><p>“Oh come on now! You don’t match, you’re worlds apart! Anyone could take a single look and tell you as much! I honestly don’t know how you see this working, because I sure can’t!”</p><p>Beca stepped away from beside the open doors to wait for Chloe some distance away from the building.</p>
<hr/><p>The third time was as she was walking down a school corridor, ready to take a turn.</p><p>“So she broke up with you?”</p><p>“Fuck off, Chris”.</p><p>“Touchy subject? I’m sorry Jesse, I’m sure the next one won’t turn into a lesbian. Hang in there, buddy”.</p><p>“Again, fuck off, Chris”.</p><p>“Come on, how surprised could you have actually been? You always said you had some…problems”.</p><p>“Well, excuse me if my girlfriend being cold in bed didn’t translate in my brain to her not being into guys”.</p><p>“Look, from how Tom tells it, it’s not like she will be able to keep Beale for long anyway”.</p><p>“What are you talking about?”</p><p>“The fact that Beale’s a wildcat in bed! Plus, she gets bored easily. Once that happens, she’s not gonna stick around!”</p><p>“It’s not like I want Beale to dump her…”</p><p>“Look, I know she used to be your girl and all, but come on, dude! Beale is completely out of her league! It’s gonna happen regardless”.</p><p>“When you put it like that…”</p><p>“I’m telling you. One month max”.</p><p>Beca remained rooted to the spot many long seconds after Jesse and his friend had left in the opposite direction, before continuing her way.</p>
<hr/><p>This had been a bad idea. Beca knew it from the beginning and yet she’d allowed it to happen anyway.</p><p>No, that was incorrect. She’d made it happen. It was entirely her fault.</p><p>Sitting in a nice, quiet restaurant on a Saturday evening, having dinner with her dad and Chloe and trying to act normal shouldn’t have been something she’d willingly do to herself.</p><p>Yet, somehow –she was stupid, that’s how- there they all were.</p><p>The man she hadn’t seen face to face in six months and had many unresolved issues with, the girl she was friends with and kinda dating but maybe not because they still hadn’t talked about it, and her genius self.</p><p>Making polite conversation over their salads, as if nothing could possibly go wrong at any given moment. Why would it? No complicated situations at their table at all.</p><p>Nope. None.</p><p>“So how long have you two been friends for?”</p><p>See? Everything was going great.</p><p>“Dad!” Beca exclaimed, trying not to choke on the bite of lettuce she had just taken. From the corner of her eye she saw Chloe throw a glance at her.</p><p>“What? What did I say?” her dad asked earnestly. “I didn’t realize this was a weird question to ask”.</p><p>Okay…she may have overreacted with that.</p><p>“It wasn’t, Dr. Mitchell. Beca and I have been friends for a little while now”.</p><p>Leave it to Chloe to be totally calm while Beca was close to having a nervous breakdown.</p><p>(…yeah, thank God for Chloe)</p><p>“A little while? Well it can’t be more than six months, or I’d remember you being around, Chloe”.</p><p>“No, it’s much more recent actually”, Beca heard Chloe reply politely, her own eyes fixated on the plate in front of her. Maybe if she ignored this conversation long enough it would just… go away.</p><p>That sounded like as good of a plan as any.</p><p>“More recent, huh? That’s curious; Beca has never brought a friend she knows for such a short time to a family diner before”.</p><p>“It’s not like you’ve been around lately to see it happen if I had”.</p><p>She was right.</p><p>She was also not supposed to have said that; she hadn’t allowed those words to come out of her mouth.</p><p>Apparently they’d taken it up on themselves to be total assholes and make that evening even more difficult to go through. Her brain hated her; nothing new there.</p><p>Beca’s eyes met with her dad’s across the table. She’d made him uncomfortable; she could see it on his face and his posture. Whether that was because of what she’d said or simply because Chloe was present to hear such a remark –so damaging to their pristine, immaculate family image- she wasn’t sure.</p><p>Although, if it was indeed the second option –it was a 50-50 chance honestly- it wouldn’t surprise her. Everyone should be paying laser focused attention on what truly matters anyway, right?</p><p>She resisted the strong urge to roll her eyes.</p><p>Beca knew Chloe was throwing glances at her as they continued eating in silence; she could almost feel her gaze searing into her profile whenever it happened.</p><p>She didn’t look at her, though. That had the potential of seeing Chloe be disappointed in her for her ridiculous outbursts, or worse; giving something away.</p><p>She couldn’t trust herself not looking at Chloe as if she meant so much more to her than a simple friend would. And her dad wasn’t stupid.</p><p>So. Not looking it was.</p><p>It was some time later, over the main course, that her dad apparently decided to engage in yet another line of delightful questions.</p><p>“So, Beca. Any nice, young man you may be going out with?”</p><p>Beca choked.</p><p>She actually choked on her pasta, coughing and having to take a few sips of water to restore normal breathing function.</p><p>It wasn’t the fact that this question was so totally uncomfortable and too casual for someone who hadn’t made any effort to see her in six months.</p><p>Her dad used to ask her that in frequent intervals before the divorce, so Beca wasn’t really surprised he’d brought this topic up in their first meeting face to face in so long.</p><p>No, the problem was that they weren’t alone. Chloe was there.</p><p>A fact that he obviously had forgotten –because who the fuck asks their daughter that in front of one of her friends- but Beca sure hadn’t.</p><p>In fact, she was pretty positive that she was more aware of Chloe’s presence beside her at that moment than she had been at any previous moment ever.</p><p>“No”, she croaked, awkwardly clearing her throat before continuing “No, I’m not”.</p><p>She could tell her face was heating up, and felt the intense urge to beat herself with a stick for it.</p><p>She was awful at lying. Which she wasn’t technically doing at that moment, but…yeah.</p><p>She kinda also was.</p><p>“Really? Because that’s not the face of someone who’s telling the truth”.</p><p>“I’m really not, dad”.</p><p>“Well, someone you may be interested in then?”</p><p>Beca wanted to crawl away from the table and bang her head against the first wall she ran across until she passed out. And her stupid face –which was so, so stupid!- wouldn’t listen to her demands to cool down, the stupid thing!</p><p>“No, dad, no one. Can we drop this?”</p><p>“Oh, come on now, honey! Nothing to be embarrassed about, it’s completely natural in your age! You’re seventeen years old, I would honestly be worried if you didn’t have a crush on a boy!” her dad chuckled good-naturedly.</p><p>“Dad! Fu- Freaking drop this, okay?! Jesus!”</p><p>She knew –although she would really like if she didn’t have to admit it to herself; being a fair person sucked- that he meant well. She knew that.</p><p>That didn’t stop red hot anger from cursing suddenly through her, though.</p><p>Why did he have to insist so much? Why did he have to project all that bullshit on her, every single time? Why did he have to always disregard her feelings like they meant nothing?</p><p>Why did he have to waltz back into her life right now?</p><p>Why? Why now?</p><p>Now that there was indeed someone she had…no, not a crush on; feelings, real feelings for? Why now, for fuck’s sake?!</p><p>Why now that that someone was Chloe? Chloe, who was sitting right there beside her; listening silently to this horrible line of questioning and the even more horrible answers she had to give.</p><p>Because she had to give those answers. She had to.</p><p>Why did she have to? Why did her dad make it so that she had to do that; hide the truth from him?</p><p>Chloe didn’t deserve that. She didn’t deserve to be treated like a dirty little secret; as if she was something embarassing that people couldn’t find out about.</p><p>Chloe deserved so much more. She deserved people knowing about her; people understanding how important she was to Beca.</p><p>She deserved Beca telling people about the two of them. She deserved being with someone who would; who could.</p><p>Because she was Chloe.</p><p>She deserved the world; and someone able to give that to her. Someone strong, and brave, and so much less fucked up in the head.</p><p>Someone worthy of her.</p><p>“Beca-“, her dad began; his tone serious and stern.</p><p>As if this was all Beca’s fault; as if she was a child who needed a good scolding and to be sent to their room to think what they’d done wrong.</p><p>“No, dad! You don’t get to come here, after disappearing for <strong>six months</strong>, and ask me if I have a crush! You don’t get to drop into my life whenever you like and <strong>expect stuff</strong> from me! You don’t get to act like we’re the perfect <strong>family</strong> anymore! You <strong>don’t</strong> get to do that!”</p><p>“Lower your voice, Beca, and watch your tone with me”.</p><p>Beca’s eyebrows shot so far up she was sure they were close to becoming one with her hairline.</p><p>“That’s what you have to say to me? That’s what you’re interested in after everything I fucking said?!”</p><p>She watched as anger flashed in his eyes, his face reddening.</p><p>“Watch your language, Beca! You don’t get to talk to me like that; I’m <strong>still</strong> your father!” he chastised her sharply.</p><p>Beca huffed, a small humorless smile appearing momentarily on her lips. Throwing her towel on the table she pushed her chair back.</p><p>“Right, right. You’re still my father. Just like when you almost drove us off the road and killed us all? Or when you went back on your promise without a second thought? Or when I had to kick you out of the house because you h-?“</p><p>Beca cut herself off abruptly, panting lightly. She hadn’t realized she had stood up at some point, or that she was pointing an accusing finger at her dad.</p><p>Lowering her arm she chanced a glance around. Chloe was looking at her, her worry and tension evident all over her face; her lips pursed into a thin line and her eyes sympathetic. Every other patron in the restaurant was also looking.</p><p>But Beca was only interested in Chloe; Chloe, who had to first listen to Beca denying vehemently the existence of anything beyond friendship between them, to then be subjected to her drama and fucked up family dynamic.</p><p>Suddenly, Beca felt tears stinging at the back of her eyes.</p><p>Why had she done this to Chloe?</p><p>For Beca’s own benefit. Because she hadn’t wanted to face her dad alone.</p><p>God, how fucking selfish was she to so carelessly put someone she cared so much about in the middle of this kind of situation? Chloe didn’t deserve this.</p><p>Fucking hell, Chloe did so not deserve this…</p><p>Beca hadn’t moved or spoken while staring at her, trying to get lost in the warm comfort Chloe’s eyes always –always- offered her so generously. Those liquid orbs of the most radiant, clearest blue that had somehow become her safe harbor; she knew her battered heart would be kept safe there.</p><p>She didn’t know how it had happened so quickly, but it was true all the same. Chloe was capable of chasing everything harmful –all her demons- away.</p><p>(What did Beca have to offer in return? Did she have anything to offer at all?)</p><p>Beca had no idea what her expression at that seemingly endless moment was; she only knew how exhausted –to the deepest, loneliest parts of her soul- she felt.</p><p>Maybe that had shown on her face in some way, because Chloe was standing now and gripping Beca’s hand, delicately but firmly. That small touch alone carried so much care and consideration; Beca could feel it coursing down her entire body.</p><p>Although it soothed her some –Chloe’s touch always did-, the urge to cry became even stronger.</p><p>“It was very nice meeting you, Dr. Mitchell. However, I think we should be going. So thank you for the meal and have a nice rest of your evening”, Beca heard Chloe saying, her words still retaining their formally polite tone, before she was tugged gently away from the table.</p><p>She didn’t know if her dad had said anything in return as she followed Chloe towards the exit of the restaurant, her hand held securely in Chloe’s own.</p><p>Right where it felt it belonged. Right where it maybe shouldn’t…</p>
<hr/><p>Chloe’s parents were out of town and her house would be empty. When Chloe led her there instead of taking her home, Beca was grateful.</p><p>She couldn’t deal with people right then; not even her mum. She would ask questions, wanting to know how diner had gone. Beca couldn’t stand even the idea of having to talk about it with her.</p><p>She just wanted for everyone and everything to just let her be; at least until morning came and she was forced to face the world again.</p><p>Everyone and everything except Chloe. She always wanted Chloe beside her. She needed her that night –but when did she not, really?</p><p>(She had become the lone exception. How was that fair to Chloe?)</p><p>The house was silent. Chloe’s room was as well, aside from their quiet breathing as they lied on her bed. They had changed into pajama shorts and tank tops before Chloe had turned off the light, pulling the comforter over both of them.</p><p>It was safe there.</p><p>The thought had popped into Beca’s mind as she’d settled into the soft mattress. She knew it was true.</p><p>She took a deeper breath in an effort to push back her tears.</p><p>Beca felt Chloe moving beside her and she turned her head; always drawn to her, attuned to her every move. She was met with her soft, kind eyes, sparkling like embers in the darkness that surrounded them.</p><p>Chloe didn’t talk; she didn’t ask any questions or make any comments. Propped up on one elbow, her body facing Beca, she just kept watching her.</p><p>At that moment it felt like to Beca –she could see it in those breath-taking, radiant blues- that there was nothing else Chloe would rather be looking at. No one else she would rather be with. There was no mistaking what was reflected in her eyes.</p><p>“I’m sorry”, Beca whispered, a tear falling on the sheets, “I’m so sorry, Chlo”.</p><p>Chloe shushed her gently, shaking her head in unspoken reassurance.</p><p>“I’m never like this with him; I don’t know what got over me”, Beca continued regardless. “I shouldn’t have said most of the things I did, but…”</p><p>She struggled to explain further, all her thoughts a tangled mess inside her head. Chloe brought up her free hand, her thumb wiping away another escaped tear before cradling Beca’s cheek tenderly in her palm.</p><p>“It’s just… he always does that. Expects things. Even after leaving he just comes back and asks things of me. Without ever asking <strong>me</strong> what <strong>I</strong> want. It feels like he doesn’t even know me; that he doesn’t care to”.</p><p>Chloe’s gaze was locked on hers, her thumb now caressing her cheek soothingly; her hand comfortingly cool against Beca’s skin.</p><p>“And I couldn’t… This time I couldn’t… <strong>You</strong> were there. I couldn’t be what he wanted. But I couldn’t be what you wanted either”, Beca choked out. “You don’t deserve that, Chlo”, she whispered brokenly; pleading.</p><p>For what exactly, she didn’t know.</p><p>“It’s okay, Bec”, Chloe breathed, gentle fingers tucking a strand of Beca’s hair behind her ear before returning to her cheek, “it’s okay. I promise”.</p><p>“It’s not. I should be able to give you more than my fucked up crap”.</p><p>The small smile that bloomed on Chloe’s face had Beca’s heart skipping a beat; before a little pang shot through it.</p><p>“I don’t want more”, Chloe whispered, eyes more loving than Beca had ever seen them before. “I only want you”, she breathed out; tone filled with quiet awe.</p><p>There was no stopping the hot tears that the simple words had trickling down her face. Beca inhaled shakily, an unknown feeling rising inside her higher than a tidal wave and threatening to engulf her whole.</p><p>(She knew what it was. Of course she knew)</p><p>Chloe’s eyes were shining more now, unshed tears gathering in them, as she leaned forward slowly; closing the small distance between them and pressing a feather-light kiss on Beca’s lips.</p><p>At Beca’s quiet sigh, though, the pressure of her lips increased. Her hand left Beca’s cheek only to travel backwards, running through Beca’s hair to the back of her head; holding her in place as Chloe’s lips started moving against hers.</p><p>It was the way that Chloe was holding her, the minimal contact exuding such possessiveness but also care, that had Beca suddenly needing to get closer; to feel more of Chloe.</p><p>To get lost in her completely; even for one night.</p><p>Beca’s hands came up to cradle Chloe’s face in her palms; her body scooting closer as her lips pressed back harder, moving with a hint of desperation.</p><p>Chloe seemed to receive the silent message, her tongue tracing Beca’s bottom lip and seeking entrance. Beca offered it quickly, releasing a small whimper into Chloe’s mouth at the sensation immediately after.</p><p>The sound only seemed to spur Chloe on as she pressed her body even closer; it resting entirely on top of Beca’s and pushing her into the bed.</p><p>Beca bent her legs at the knees and spread her thighs to make more room for Chloe –she would never be close enough- as one of her hands tangled in the fiery curls above her, the other circling her ribs before reaching her back, pulling her in even more.</p><p>Chloe didn’t seem to need more of a hint before pressing her hips into Beca’s firmly, the movement causing their chests to rub together; the sensation heightened as neither of them had kept their bra on before going to bed.</p><p>A moan escaped Beca’s lips as arousal shot through her body with such force that she had to tear her mouth away and take a couple deep breaths to center herself.</p><p>Her heart was beating wildly in her chest; her skin feverishly hot and freezing cold simultaneously.</p><p>She tried to convey how desperately turned on she was already with her gaze as it locked on Chloe’s, her favorite blue almost entirely replaced by black now.</p><p>The intensity in Chloe’s eyes felt like it was scorching her very soul; the look of pure desire in them had Beca clenching around nothing, the dull ache between her legs intensifying. She barely contained another moan at the feeling, a shaky exhale passing through her slightly parted lips.</p><p>Beca didn’t know how much longer she could stand Chloe not touching her where she needed it; she was sure her underwear were completely ruined by now despite it being only a few minutes since they’d started this.</p><p>There hadn’t been any other moment in her life that she’d needed to be touched more, and even that felt like an understatement.</p><p>“Bec”, Chloe exhaled shakily, eyes scanning Beca’s face carefully despite her own obvious arousal, “are you sure about this?”</p><p>“I need you”, Beca offered instead, painfully aware of how true that fact was.</p><p>“I-” Chloe cut herself off, vulnerability and slight concern showing on her face. “I don’t want you regretting this. Regretting me”, she finished in a whisper.</p><p>“I’m not going to. I promise”, Beca tried to reassure her. Her right hand cupped Chloe’s face gently and watched as she leaned into the touch, her gaze never leaving Beca’s. Her eyes searching still for any sign they shouldn’t do this.</p><p>But how could anyone ever regret Chloe Beale? She turned sorrow into joy, darkness into light, heart-break into comfort.</p><p>She was all that a person should be lucky enough to have in their life. Not a person with a beautiful soul; but rather a beautiful soul blooming inside a person.</p><p>She was one of a kind.</p><p>And she deserved to be treated as such; to be with someone who would, and could, give anything –everything- to her.</p><p>Beca felt her eyes welling up again and she didn’t want that; she only wanted Chloe.</p><p>Chloe was all she wanted.</p><p>So she stretched her neck upwards, capturing her lips again with her own; her hand leaving her cheek to tangle in her soft locks once more, lightly pulling so that Chloe would come closer.</p><p>Chloe was responding to her –her lips insistent and demanding as they parted Beca’s, her hands between her shoulder blades and the mattress holding Beca close, her body flash against hers- but there was still something missing; she was still holding back a little.</p><p>Beca didn’t want her to. The almost unbearable heat from earlier had returned, coursing through her body with renewed force as Chloe moved her kisses to Beca’s neck; the wet trail her lips left on her burning skin making her shiver.</p><p>Beca’s back arched as the body above her shifted between her legs. It was just a small, probably involuntary, movement, but it made Beca aware she was close to soaking through her shorts by now.</p><p>“Please, Chlo. Please”, she all but moaned, not above begging anymore.</p><p>She didn’t know what it was that made Chloe give in a moment later; if it was her pleading, desperate tone or something in her expression that had her molding their mouths together harder than any other time before.</p><p>Beca had no idea when Chloe undressed them both; how she divested them of one article of clothing after the other until all she could feel against her bare skin was Chloe’s own.</p><p>She could feel it under her fingertips as they tried to hold on to Chloe’s back, scratching lightly every few seconds; she could feel it on her breasts as their nipples brushed together repeatedly with their movements, small whimpers leaving her lips every time it happened, muffled by Chloe’s mouth as it continued devouring hers.</p><p>She could feel Chloe between her legs, every time her hips surged a bit forward and into her own. She was trying to feel her exactly on the right spot –to get some relief- but what Chloe was currently doing wasn’t even close to being enough for that.</p><p>The next time it happened, a choked gasp escaped her throat as she pulled her lips away from Chloe’s; she needed more air in her lungs and she needed so much more from Chloe.</p><p>Chloe who kept teasing her –although she had to know by now she definitely didn’t have to, Beca was so ready it was getting actually painful- thrusting forward a little harder and her lips latching onto Beca’s neck at the same time, starting to suck on her pulse point.</p><p>Beca threw her head back on the pillow, the muscles of her neck straining, back arching and hands gripping Chloe’s shoulders; trying to anchor herself to reality somehow.</p><p>“Chloe, please”, she moaned again, louder this time, her voice hoarse and slightly cracking at the end.</p><p>She felt Chloe move then, a little to the side so she could straddle Beca’s right thigh, her mouth leaving wet kisses up and down her neck. Beca spread her thighs wider, not embarrassed even in the slightest by how obviously aroused and desperate she was being.</p><p>The only thing that mattered now –like most times, really- was Chloe; Chloe hopefully deciding to touch her at long last.</p><p>Beca felt her right hand trail down her collarbone and between her breasts, goosebumps appearing on every inch of skin the gentle fingertips touched. Chloe passed her breasts without indulging them and Beca was actually grateful; she wouldn’t be able to take it at that moment and there was only one place she needed –craved- Chloe’s touch anyway.</p><p>Her hand continued reaching even lower, Beca’s abs contracting involuntarily as it skimmed over them and below her navel; she was trembling by now, her hands shaking against Chloe’s skin.</p><p>Her breath caught in her throat as Chloe’s hand reached further, through soft curls; only to be let out along with a sigh of deep relief when one finger finally –oh my god, finally!- glided through warm wetness.</p><p>“God, Bec”, she heard Chloe basically moan right by her ear, her hot breath sending a tremor down her spine, “you’re so fucking wet”.</p><p>Beca didn’t know if it was the cursing or the entire statement, but she felt herself getting even wetter; her hips tilting involuntarily, trying to get Chloe’s finger to touch her more purposefully.</p><p>It seemed Chloe was done teasing, though. After circling Beca’s entrance lightly, she brought her hand back up; pressing down on her clit with two fingers and starting rubbing small, tight circles against it.</p><p>Beca felt as if the air had been stolen from her lungs as Chloe kept up a steady, slow pace. She could feel herself dripping on the sheets, unable to contain the sounds falling from her mouth.</p><p>It was too much –the way her clit throbbed under Chloe’s pressure, her heart ready to jump out of her chest, her mind completely numb- and at the same time still not enough. She moaned again, louder this time, her eyes shut so tightly she was starting to see spots behind her closed eyelids.</p><p>“Oh my God, baby”, Chloe whimpered, pulling her closer with her left arm that was draped around her shoulders, “you look so good”. Beca felt her fingers picking up their pace, rubbing harder and faster; Chloe panting against her neck now. “You feel so good, Bec”, her hoarse whisper caressed her skin.</p><p>It was like Beca had lost her voice; stolen by how perfectly Chloe was touching her.</p><p>And yet, although her mind seemed unable to form coherent thoughts, there was one word she desperately needed to get out somehow.</p><p>“Inside”, she managed to choke out, her left hand –the one that wasn’t holding on to Chloe- grasping the sheets and pulling at them hard to ground herself. She didn’t have to wait this time.</p><p>She felt Chloe’s fingers abandoning her clit and trailing downwards, circling her entrance; coating in her wetness before Chloe pushed them gently inside her body.</p><p>A relieved sigh fell from Beca’s lips as she felt them slowly reaching deeper, as far as they could; before pulling back out, pace unchanging.</p><p>The relief she’d felt only seconds earlier was now replaced by a new wave of desperation and desire; clenching around them hard as Chloe pushed them back inside.</p><p>She moaned at the sensation, Chloe mirroring her while her left hand pulled Beca even tighter against her body.</p><p>“Fuck, Bec”.</p><p>“Faster, Chlo. Please. Harder”, she breathed, releasing a groan as soon as Chloe complied; her fingers curling each time she pulled out, palm rubbing against her straining clit each time she pushed back in.</p><p>Beca didn’t have any control over her reactions anymore; it was like she was floating, suspended in mid-air, as she surrendered her body –her entire being- to Chloe’s expert touch.</p><p>Her hand shot up, releasing the sheets and latching desperately onto the headboard, her hips moving in time with Chloe’s hand as she struggled to breathe.</p><p>It was still not enough; she didn’t know if she could actually take it but she needed more somehow.</p><p>“Chlo”, she choked out, her voice almost unrecognizable to her ears by how hoarse it had become, “deeper. Please, just-“</p><p>She was cut off, both by Chloe complying, her fingers pushing even deeper inside her, and by her lips that were suddenly on hers, the kiss hard and all-consuming.</p><p>There was sheer desperation coloring the way her lips moved; as if trying to communicate to Beca much more than simple desire and want.</p><p>It was the same desperation she felt in Chloe’s left hand as it pulled her body impossibly tight against Chloe’s, holding Beca against her so tightly it was like Chloe was afraid she would be asked to let go.</p><p>“I’m so close”, Beca moaned, her body clenching time and time again around Chloe’s fingers inside her as she broke away from their kiss. She couldn’t concentrate on it anymore; she couldn’t concentrate on anything but the tidal wave building in her chest and spreading like wildfire to every inch of her body, making her ache for release.</p><p>“Let go, baby. Come for me”. Chloe’s voice somehow reached her addled brain, a strong shiver running down her spine in reaction to it. “I’m right here. I got you”, Chloe whispered, barely loud enough for Beca to hear.</p><p>She’d heard her though; those words that carried so much tenderness, so much care; so much love. It was right there in Chloe’s soft tone, so evident that Beca couldn’t deny it if she tried to.</p><p>As that realization crashed over her so did her climax; her body convulsing, Chloe’s fingers trapped inside her, her mouth open but no sound coming out.</p><p>It went on and on; wave after wave pulling her ever higher as spots appeared in her vision, her eyes fixed on the ceiling.</p><p>Tears stinging at the back of them at the same time.</p><p>Because Chloe loved her.</p><p>Chloe loved her and Beca could never be enough for her. Could never give her what she deserved. There was too much fucked up shit –both in her life and in her mind- to put Chloe through it.</p><p>Beca couldn’t stand the thought of Chloe going through all that; going through it because of Beca.</p><p>She wasn’t worthy of that.</p><p>She wasn’t worthy of Chloe.</p><p>That mesmerizing, astonishing person, with the most beautiful of hearts and the purest of souls; she would be tainted, bruised by everything she’d have to go through if Beca kept her by her side.</p><p>If she kept her close she –they- would crash and burn; like so many things Beca had kept close before had. That evening –at the restaurant- had only served in proving that.</p><p>She couldn’t do that this time.</p><p>She couldn’t be selfish with Chloe.</p><p>Beca was too much for her; and that meant she could never be enough.</p><p>She hadn’t realized that the tears she was supposed to be holding back were running down her face as she came down from the most incredible orgasm of her life; she did only when she registered Chloe gently wiping them away, her forehead resting against Beca’s, her breathing labored and unsteady.</p><p>Beca didn’t dare open her eyes –she didn’t even know when they’d closed again-, instead borrowing deeper into Chloe’s warm, soft body. Once her face was dry, Chloe trailed that arm around Beca’s back as well; holding her against her in an embrace overflowing with comfort and safety.</p><p>Beca felt that; her heart aching –to its deepest, darkest parts- by the bittersweet devastation that came along with that feeling.</p><p>The feeling of belonging; of being home. A feeling she knew she didn’t deserve.</p><p>A feeling she knew she couldn’t allow Chloe to offer her.</p>
<hr/><p>Beca loved the sea.</p><p>Ever since she was a little girl it comforted her watching its push and pull and hearing the sound of the waves. They were never-ending and felt like a secure constant in her life, a stable presence; something she could always count on to be there for her.</p><p>It wasn’t a fact anyone knew about her; she would prefer eating a spoonful of worms or something equally disgusting than be called anything close to romantic or sentimental.</p><p>She didn’t do those things. Or at least she didn’t let people know that –somewhere deep, deep down- she did.</p><p>Most people tended to not like complicated, emotional people because most people weren’t willing to put in the work in getting to really know those other people.</p><p>She didn’t want people getting tired of her and walking away; again, there weren’t so many in her life to begin with so she couldn’t really afford that.</p><p>Another fact about her most people were unaware of; that she cared.</p><p>That’s why she didn’t share her love for the sea with anyone; a part of her also wanted to keep it for herself, though. This was a safe place and the sea would never judge or hurt her. She wanted to keep that comfort only for herself.</p><p>“Hey”.</p><p>Beca turned her head to the side as the familiar voice washed over her, and took in the sight of Chloe standing a couple of feet from the bench Beca was sitting on.</p><p>“I found your post-it note when I woke up, telling me to meet you here. Why didn’t you wake me instead?”</p><p>Chloe was smiling at her, her tone gentle. It was that small, private smile she reserved just for Beca; because she considered Beca special enough to guarantee having a unique smile for her.</p><p>Beca’s heart clenched painfully inside her chest and she averted her eyes, staring back towards the expanse of endless blue in front of her.</p><p>Chloe’s eyes somehow always seemed more infinite than the sea.</p><p>“Come sit with me”, she asked softly without looking at Chloe. She knew she’d heard her though because she felt her presence right beside her on the bench a few seconds later.</p><p>Beca didn’t hurry to talk. She needed a moment to cherish that; the comforting quiet simply sharing her space with Chloe always created. She knew how rare, how precious it was to have that.</p><p>“Bec?”</p><p>She supposed the time of soaking that feeling in had to end at some point. She couldn’t and wouldn’t be selfish and ask for more of it.</p><p>That was the point.</p><p>“I didn’t want to wake you up before dawn. And I needed to gather my thoughts”.</p><p>More seconds passed. The silence didn’t feel as comforting anymore.</p><p>“Why did you come here, Beca?”</p><p>Beca could hear the apprehension in her voice; Chloe was good at picking up on stuff, especially when it came to her.</p><p>She couldn’t say right at that moment how she felt about that ability of hers. It made things easier and harder at the same time.</p><p>“I needed to go somewhere that I would feel safe. Somewhere I could just… remember myself”.</p><p>She didn’t need to look at Chloe to know her words had hurt her; she would always end up hurting her one way or another.</p><p>That was the point.</p><p>“Okay”, Chloe offered gently, her tone still soft. Beca could hear the barely contained hurt anyway. “Do you…do you feel better now?”</p><p>“No”, Beca shook her head, eyes staring at a wave as it raced towards the shore. “It wasn’t enough. Nothing is. I’m not; and I can never be”.</p><p>“Bec, what-”</p><p>“I had time to think, though. Time to realize and accept that. It’s the truth. And I can’t keep pretending that it isn’t, keep stringing you along and acting like things will change. That I will change”.</p><p>She felt Chloe’s cold fingers wrapping around her left wrist and tugging gently, urging her to turn her head and look at her.</p><p>She wasn’t sure she wanted to –she always wanted to; it was more a matter of if she could take it right then- but Beca could never refuse Chloe. She never wanted to.</p><p>That was the point.</p><p>Her eyes met her favorite blue, sparkling and warm and mesmerizing as ever. It was being wasted on her. Beca would never be deserving enough to have it; and she would never be worthy enough to be able to offer back even a tiny bit of what it offered her.</p><p>“I can’t do this. I can’t pretend anymore”, she stated quietly, her tone flat.</p><p>“What are you talking about?” Chloe inquired gently, a bit of desperation seeping into her voice, alarm starting to spread on her face.</p><p>“I can’t do this”, Beca repeated, more resolutely this time. “This thing with you; it’s too much and I’m not enough for it. I can’t and will never be. It’s better if we both accept it and move on. I already have accepted it anyway”.</p><p>She watched as those eyes she adored shone more in the morning light, tears welling up inside them. Chloe shook her head, her fiery curls bouncing slightly against her shoulders.</p><p>“You’re enough, Bec; you always have been. There’s nothing for me to accept”, she pleaded; always softly, always caringly.</p><p>Beca didn’t want that, Chloe caring. She couldn’t.</p><p>“You have to be realistic here, Chloe. In what world would we ever work? I can’t give you what you want, we’re not… I’m not right for you. That’s a fact, and it won’t change. So I can’t keep doing this with you. I won’t”, she emphasized the last two words.</p><p>She needed to get her point across; she needed Chloe to just… stop.</p><p>“I know what you’re doing”. A humorless chuckle left Chloe’s lips, the tears in her eyes ready to fall. “You’re pushing me away”, she whispered, disbelief and hurt coloring her voice.</p><p>“I’m being the one that thinks clearly and rationally here, that’s what I’m doing. And I’m sorry I can’t give you what you want, but there’s no point pretending, Chloe. I’m not going to anymore. You have to accept this”.</p><p>Beca watched a single tear escape from the corner of Chloe’s left eye and trickle slowly, agonizingly, down her cheek. She was hurting her; once more she was hurting her and she would do it again.</p><p>That was the point.</p><p>Beca resisted the urge to wipe the droplet away.</p><p>“I…”, Chloe uttered, seemingly struggling to sort through her thoughts. “Bec, I don’t… How can you ask me to accept this? Losing you again, after everything?” she questioned in a hoarse whisper, her voice cracking at the end as more tears rolled down her face.</p><p>“You have to. Because this, whatever it was or could have been, is over. I just…I’m…I’m done”.</p><p>Beca stood up, extricating her hand gently; Chloe’s fell back on her lap as if lifeless.</p><p>Defeated. Devastated.</p><p>That’s what she was doing to Chloe. That’s what she’d done in the past, and that’s what she’d do to her again. She couldn’t allow that to happen; not to Chloe.</p><p>That was the point.</p><p>“I’m sorry”, Beca offered, tone delicate but resolute.</p><p>It was an apology; the most heart-felt one she’d ever given.</p><p>It was also a goodbye.</p><p>Beca could see in Chloe’s eyes that she understood that second meaning as well.</p><p>She had no doubt she would.</p><p>Chloe knew her very well; too well for Chloe’s own good.</p><p>Beca had watched many things in her life crash and burn around her. Every time it had happened, it had burned her; damaged her. Tainted her.</p><p>Sometimes she was the one who had caused it; ruining beautiful things and allowing them to splinter into a thousand pieces, every single one of them ending up –it felt like- embedded in her own heart.</p><p>It had almost bled out by now. It didn’t have much more to offer. It didn’t have enough.</p><p>Definitely not enough in comparison to how much she should be able to offer to the beautiful soul crying on a bench for her; because of her.</p><p>She couldn’t bear watching Chloe –and whatever this thing between them was- crash and burn too.</p><p>Beca wasn’t worth that.</p><p>So she turned her back to both the sea and Chloe, allowing her steps to carry her away from the two things that offered her safety and comfort and peace.</p><p>The two things her heart –that bruised, fucked up thing that now ached desperately inside her chest- wanted above all else to keep close.</p><p>The two things she loved.</p><p>And that, exactly that, was the point.</p><p> </p><p><span class="u"><em><strong>The En-</strong></em></span> i'm kidding, i'm kidding! </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Okay, I could never end it like that, I'm not that cruel! So this is definitely not a finished fic anymore. The next update may take a little longer, but then there could be two (or three) chapters posted very close together, so... Keep an eye out!<br/>Thank you very much for reading, see you in the next chapter!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>"I knew you were trouble when you walked in<br/>So, shame on me now<br/>Flew me to places I'd never been<br/>Now I'm lyin' on the cold hard ground"<br/>-I Knew You Were Trouble (Red), Taylor Swift</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Chapter serving as entry for the Taylor Swift x Bechloe challenge on tumblr (day 4), based on and drawing inspiration from the song mentioned above.<br/>Trigger Warnings: very, very mild homophobia based violence and the use of a homophobic slur. Just be mindful while reading.<br/>Besides that...yeah, ahead lies angst. Is this even news at this point? You've been warned either way.<br/>This chapter was such a pain in the ass to write due to extreme writer's block, but I ended up loving it. Honestly, it was a tough chapter to write for more reasons than that, so i really hope you enjoy it.<br/>And now, on with the story!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Beca’s Sunday had been…not good. She’d expected as much, but it would have been nice if somehow she’d ended up being wrong.</p>
<p>She hadn’t.</p>
<p>Her mum had wanted to know about how dinner with her dad had gone immediately after Beca had returned home. She’d been so numb, so tired –no matter it had been only 9 o’clock on a Sunday morning, too many things had already happened - that she hadn’t had the energy to even try avoiding the topic.</p>
<p>So they’d talked. Beca had told her everything.</p>
<p>Leaving out the main reason the whole thing had happened in the first place.</p>
<p>No, she wouldn’t talk about that.</p>
<p>So she’d called upon all her unresolved issues with her dad as the only reason, which her mum already knew all about. They were plenty enough –and stemmed from such utterly fucked up things; another fact her mum was entirely too familiar with- so that she’d managed to blame everything on that part of the equation without a hitch.</p>
<p>For the first time in her life, she’d managed to lie and get away with it with flying colors.</p>
<p>Maybe it had helped how empty she’d felt while reiterating the events of the previous evening.</p>
<p>It was as if every single emotion had been drained away during her earlier conversation; all of it left behind right by that bench in the end, like the forevermore staining the ground spilt blood at a crime scene.</p>
<p>It did feel like she had bled out. Not entirely, though.</p>
<p>There was still enough blood for her heart to keep beating; every beat making her aware of a blunt ache growing inside her chest.</p>
<p>It wasn’t painful in its sharp edges but rather in the impossibly heavy weight that had settled on her heart.</p>
<p>Maybe that was why at no moment did any tears well up in her eyes; the soothing effect crying could have not an option.</p>
<p>That had been Beca’s entire Sunday. No matter what she’d been doing at any given moment, no matter how hard she’d tried distracting herself, the emptiness and that blunt ache remained.</p>
<p>On Monday she’d gone to school, attended her classes, eaten her lunch at the cafeteria –while trying as hard as she could not to glance around at anyone…</p>
<p>She’d even gotten into a weird situation with her lab partner in Chemistry, a girl she only spoke to in class and only about class-related things. The professor had assigned projects. Lab partners had to do them together. The girl’s house wasn’t available (she hadn’t even paid attention to the reason why). Beca had offered hers for the two of them to work in.</p>
<p>She’d gotten the weirdest look and a very resolute –she’d call it rude if she cared enough to be affronted by it- ‘no’ for an answer.</p>
<p>So that had been fun. Normal high school experiences. Everything was back to normal, see?</p>
<p>She’d forgotten all about it two hours later.</p>
<p>At the end of the day she’d looked back to the hours since she’d woken up that morning and couldn’t recall anything too specific; everything had seemed like a grey, insignificant blur inside her head.</p>
<p>On Tuesday she’d managed to get through PE without sustaining any injuries. Given the state her mind had still been in, that had been quite the nice accomplishment. That night she’d fallen asleep with a sliver of hope –against her better judgment- flickering in her ever battered, ever bruised heart.</p>
<p>Hope that maybe –just maybe- she would be able to cope with… everything sooner than she’d thought.</p>
<p>Not get over it; of course not. She wasn’t sure when –or even if, at this rate- that would happen.</p>
<p>But being able to fight off even a part of the numbness, the emptiness, that at moments threatened to engulf her so thoroughly she was sure she wouldn’t be able to breathe if she didn’t fight it off… that would be nice.</p>
<p>So now that Wednesday had come around, she’d promised herself she’d at least try to be slightly more engaged at school. She was so close to graduation; she did still need to reach that day as smoothly as possible.</p>
<p>To be able to move on with the rest of her life. To be able to pursue her music, make a difference with it. Make a difference in general.</p>
<p>It had been her safe place, that thought, since Sunday. She still had her music. She still had the rest of her life ahead of her, all sparkly and new and exciting, to look forward to.</p>
<p>She believed in that. She did.</p>
<p>She’d always believed in it. And she still did.</p>
<p>Yes, she still did.</p>
<p>(She had to)</p>
<p>The day had gone… well, it had gone; she’d tried to care, she really had. The moments in which she had accomplished that were few and far between.</p>
<p>Progress. Progress was good.</p>
<p>Beca was repeating that to herself like a mantra as she exited the school, the weak afternoon sun doing nothing in battling the cold of yet another freezing winter day.</p>
<p>She kept up a quick pace, eyes focused on the ground ahead of her. She didn’t want to give anyone the impression she was interested in small talk or catching up. She just wanted to get to her house, put her headphones on, and fully immerse herself in her music.</p>
<p>She’d been looking forward to that since before she’d left for school that morning.</p>
<p>“Hey, Mitchell!”</p>
<p>Beca didn’t recognize the voice. A quick glace to the direction it had come from revealed it belonged to someone from a group of boys standing outside the school gym, a couple dozen feet away. She didn’t think she knew any of them; she didn’t really care to make sure either.</p>
<p>“Hey, I’m talking to you!”</p>
<p>Beca quickened her pace even more. She had absolutely zero desire to deal with whatever bullshit that whole thing was.</p>
<p>“What, only interested in new pussy? Not even gonna look at us?”</p>
<p>She rolled her eyes as she kept walking. She had been right. It was utter bullshit, whatever that jackass was going on about; and she definitely didn’t want to deal with it, or him.</p>
<p>“Hey, dyke! Look at me when I’m talking to you!”</p>
<p>Beca was ready to roll her eyes again at the absolute moronic stupidity she was experiencing when something hit her hard on the side of her head.</p>
<p>Slightly disoriented, she had to take a couple steps to the side to regain her balance, her hand raising on its own to cradle the left side of her face that was stinging badly. She flinched at the touch, her skin too sore and sensitive to tolerate even that, while she could feel something trickling down her nose.</p>
<p>She reached instinctively to touch the warm liquid.</p>
<p>Once her hand returned to her line of vision, she saw red staining her fingers.</p>
<p>It was blood. Her nose was bleeding.</p>
<p>It was also in pain, along with half her face.</p>
<p>What the hell-</p>
<p>Having stopped walking now, she turned her head to the side; watching, as if in slow motion, a basketball bouncing away from her, the group of guys –on her left and much closer than she remembered them being; had she been paying that little attention?- losing their shit laughing. Taking a closer look at them she vaguely recognized them; they were seniors as well.</p>
<p>Such bright, mature adults, those idiotic assholes were going to be.</p>
<p>“Are you fucking kidding me?!”</p>
<p>At the sound of the voice –and after a quick look to confirm who it belonged to- the guys shoved at each other, still chuckling, and took off in the opposite direction of the person approaching. In the direction Beca herself was heading towards earlier.</p>
<p>Despite that, she didn’t follow behind them; she didn’t leave like she’d decided to do just before that voice had sounded.</p>
<p>She couldn’t. She was rooted to the spot.</p>
<p>The whole thing had unfolded and been over in the lapse of two seconds max. What higher power had she pissed off that fucking much that the one person she absolutely did not want to see –couldn’t bear to, just couldn’t- happened to be right there, in the same vicinity as her, right at that moment?</p>
<p>Of all the people in that fucking school –in the whole fucking world, really- that could have fucking witnessed what had just happened, why did it have to be…?</p>
<p>Beca turned her head again, this time to her right; dreading what she knew she would see.</p>
<p>Chloe was approaching hurriedly; fiery curls bouncing at the rhythm of decisive steps, body visibly tense, face a mask of anger and indignation. The way her jaw was clenched, her brow furrowed, and her eyes narrowed had Beca’s heart fluttering inside her chest.</p>
<p>Chloe was mad and upset on her behalf. Because someone had hurt her. Despite everything.</p>
<p>And then Beca remembered what that ‘everything’ was.</p>
<p>What had happened on Sunday morning. Why it had happened; why Beca herself had made it happen.</p>
<p>She remembered that Chloe wasn’t supposed to get that way over someone hurting Beca anymore; that was what she wanted to avoid in the first place, pulling that beautiful soul into her fucked up messes.</p>
<p>Messes like the one that had just occurred. Messes that had always followed Beca around –and always would.</p>
<p>Chloe was too good for any of that to be put on her. She didn’t deserve it, any of it.</p>
<p>(Beca didn’t deserve Chloe)</p>
<p>“Beca?”</p>
<p>Beca forced herself to return to reality; Chloe was standing right in front of her now, not even a foot away. Her expression had completely shifted from the one she wore earlier; as her eyes shot back and forth between Beca’s own and her injuries her face betrayed all her concern.</p>
<p>Too close. Chloe was too close.</p>
<p>“Beca?”</p>
<p>Her tone was too tender. Too caring.</p>
<p>“Yeah”, Beca only managed to choke out.</p>
<p>“How bad is it? How does it feel?”</p>
<p>“What? Oh, I’m…No, it’s okay, it’s-“</p>
<p>Her hand had involuntarily risen at Chloe’s question, touching her left cheek way less gently than it should have. Her words were cut off and she winced as her fingers pressed into the tender skin, the stinging intensifying and some of the pain she’d felt earlier returning at the too forceful contact.</p>
<p>Chloe shot her a knowing, yet still worried, look.</p>
<p>“Right. Your nose doesn’t seem broken, and is bleeding only slightly, but still. Come with me”.</p>
<p>She had already taken a few steps, going around her and in the direction the guys had been moments earlier, when Beca’s mind finally registered her words.</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“Just come with me”, was Chloe’s reply as she kept walking; towards the gym, Beca realized a second later.</p>
<p>She did as she was told, if not rather reluctantly.</p>
<p>This was too normal and too weird at the same time.</p>
<p>She wasn’t supposed to have this kind of interactions with Chloe.</p>
<p>(Chloe wasn’t supposed to have –to want to have- this kind of interactions with her)</p>
<p>After they entered the empty building Chloe led her across its length, their steps echoing in the silence that surrounded them. Once they’d reached the side that was furthest away from the entrance Chloe turned and walked along the small passage left between the bleachers and the wall, leading them towards a small door standing at the end of it.</p>
<p>Beca had never before been inside the small room that was revealed to her when Chloe unlocked the door. She took in her surroundings; a few shelves with an assortment of objects on them, cleaning supplies in one corner, along with a broom and a mop, the rack that held the basketballs pushed against one of the walls, an old-looking, wooden table and two battered, also wooden chairs across from it on the opposite wall…</p>
<p>Her observation of the space was interrupted by Chloe clearing her throat pointedly.</p>
<p>When Beca refocused her attention on her, she saw Chloe was holding a first aid kit and an ice pack in her hands, which she seemed to have taken out of the small fridge that –only now Beca noticed- was standing in the corner behind her.</p>
<p>Chloe arched an eyebrow, her eyes glancing purposefully towards one of the chairs, and Beca sighed dejectedly. Covering the small distance she sat down and turned her body towards Chloe, who had followed right behind her.</p>
<p>Beca watched as she placed the first aid kit on the table beside them before opening it; and then her eyes were drawn by her favorite blue, as if by an irresistible magnetic force. Just for a moment.</p>
<p>(She had missed it so damn much)</p>
<p>“Hold this against your cheek, it will help avoid the swelling and will numb the pain”, Chloe instructed her, hand outstretched and offering her the ice pack.</p>
<p>Beca accepted it wordlessly, immediately placing it –very, very carefully this time, this lesson at least she’d learnt- against the hurt, left side of her face. She winced a bit at the coldness, but a few seconds later she let out a relieved small breath at the numbness it provided.</p>
<p>“Can you tilt you head back a little?” Chloe questioned quietly, a piece of cotton in her right hand.</p>
<p>Once again Beca did as she was asked –basically told- to do. The moment the cotton made contact with the skin at the underside of her nose she flinched a little, trying her best to remain still.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry, but this needs to be cleaned”, Chloe offered, a hint of sympathy seeping into her tone.</p>
<p>The next time pressure was applied she flinched more, instinctively pulling her head back an inch or two. Chloe’s eyes shifted their attention from the sore spot she’d been trying to tend to to Beca’s own.</p>
<p>They were pinning her down, those impossibly expressive, bottomless oceans, and Beca felt her breath catch in her throat. She fully comprehended at that moment how close to her Chloe was.</p>
<p>Too close.</p>
<p>She had to make a conscious effort to resume her breathing and refocus on reality, just in time to catch Chloe’s next words.</p>
<p>“Come on, Beca”.</p>
<p>“It stings, dude! What even is <strong>on</strong> that thing?” she asked in –mostly mock- exasperation, pointing at the piece of cotton now held inches from her face.</p>
<p>“Just a bit more. Try and stay still”.</p>
<p>Beca nodded, albeit a bit sulkily –it wasn’t like she was doing it on purpose, and what Chloe was asking wasn’t as damn easy as she made it sound!- and prepared herself, trying to stop her body from reacting to the sting that she knew was coming.</p>
<p>She failed.</p>
<p>She was ready to exclaim in –now actually real- frustration; the words dying in her throat before she had the chance to. Because instead of instructing her again or admonishing her, or literally anything else she could have expected Chloe to do, she had simply raised her hand; her palm now holding Beca’s jaw steadily.</p>
<p>Beca snapped her half-opened mouth shut, gulping as she realized how dry her throat had suddenly become. The feeling of the so familiar warm, soft skin against her own had caused her pulse to double; she only hoped Chloe couldn’t feel it as it thrummed on the side of her neck.</p>
<p>“Do you want me to come to the principal with you? I was the only witness after all”.</p>
<p>She had almost missed the question, too focused on trying to control her reactions to Chloe’s touch.</p>
<p>“What?” she asked, feeling as confused as she had sounded to her own ears. Her gaze –that Beca had been forcing to not linger on Chloe- now focused entirely on her face, her eyes searching her expression.</p>
<p>Chloe remained stoic and calm though; her eyes zeroed in on the spot she was still tending to.</p>
<p>“I just thought it might be helpful in the principal believing you. I don’t have to-“</p>
<p>“I’m not going to the principal with this”.</p>
<p>That statement served as sufficient reason, it seemed, to pull Chloe’s attention away from her work; her hand pausing its ministrations and hovering a hair’s breadth from Beca’s face, her eyes instantly locking with hers.</p>
<p>“You can’t be serious”, she stated rather than asked, completely serious; if not a little bit incredulous.</p>
<p>Beca huffed.</p>
<p>“What would the point be? It wasn’t-“</p>
<p>“What would the point be?” Chloe repeated her question back to her, significantly more incredulous now. “Beca, they attacked you! They forcefully threw a basketball at your face, aiming for it; aiming to hurt you! You have to report this”.</p>
<p>“It’s not worth it, okay? I have better things to do than wasting any more of my time on those idiots. I’m not-“</p>
<p>“This isn’t about…! They hurt you, intentionally and without a second thought; that whole thing should have never happened to you! They can’t just get away with it! It’s not right, or fair, and you have to-“</p>
<p>“I don’t want to, dude! What they did, they did it because I like girls! I don’t want anyone’s sympathy or judgment, people feeling for me or agreeing with them! I don’t want either, I’m not interested! So I’m not gonna report this!”</p>
<p>As she was talking she could see Chloe’s expression slowly shifting. By the end of her little speech Chloe’s eyes had turned significantly more tender, her expression soft and caring.</p>
<p>It sent a sharp pang piercing through Beca’s heart.</p>
<p>Too open. Too invested; still. Too…</p>
<p>Too Chloe.</p>
<p>She had stopped this. She didn’t want this.</p>
<p>(She did; so fucking much. But she couldn’t. She shouldn’t)</p>
<p>“What they did was wrong for so many reasons and you should be heard. You deserve for them to be faced with the consequences of their actions and be punished, Bec”.</p>
<p>No.</p>
<p>This was too much. Chloe was supposed to be staying away from her; to want to. After everything that had happened on Sunday morning, after everything Beca had told her…</p>
<p>She shouldn’t be so fucking compassionate; caring <strong>so fucking much</strong> still!</p>
<p>She shouldn’t be using –finding it in her heart to use- that fucking nickname still!</p>
<p>(It broke Beca’s heart all over again, that reminder of how entirely unworthy of Chloe she truly was)</p>
<p>Beca felt suddenly as if the walls were closing in on her; she needed this conversation to be over and for her to be free to get out; to get some fresh air.</p>
<p>Somehow, it was harder to breathe than before.</p>
<p>Which…no. She’d gotten over that stage; she’d moved forward. She’d made progress in the past few days.</p>
<p>She’d managed to be able to breathe at the thought of how absolute Chloe’s absence from her life was and would be.</p>
<p>“I don’t want any of that, Chloe! Why can’t you fucking drop this?! Jesus!”</p>
<p>The soft hand was removed from her face immediately at her frustrated, loud exclamation.</p>
<p>Chloe turned her back to her, busying herself with rearranging the items inside the first aid kit; the used piece of cotton, stained red on one side, abandoned on the wooden table.</p>
<p>Beca stood up, abandoned the ice pack right beside it, and covered the small distance to the door before hesitantly stopping again right in front of it.</p>
<p>She felt like such an asshole, shouting at Chloe like that after the way she had just helped her. She knew she was only trying to help her, to take care of her, with her insistent suggestion as well.</p>
<p>She shouldn’t.</p>
<p>But she did.</p>
<p>And despite her all-consuming need to get away right then, Beca couldn’t just leave. Not like that, without another word.</p>
<p>(Maybe it would be for the best; maybe it would enforce her points from Sunday)</p>
<p>She wasn’t that strong. She turned around.</p>
<p>“Hey”, she addressed Chloe quietly, her hand gripping the knob, “thank you for…you know, patching me up”.</p>
<p>Beca wasn’t sure if she was expecting something specific to happen; but nothing did.</p>
<p>Chloe didn’t turn around, she didn’t look at her; she didn’t even say anything.</p>
<p>The only acknowledgement of her words she offered was a nod, clearly visible even as her back remained facing Beca.</p>
<p>Beca walked out of the small room, and eventually the gym, feeling as if she had failed at something she hadn’t even known she was being tested at before it had already been over.</p><hr/>
<p>“Miss Mitchell, come in please”.</p>
<p>The principal’s voice reached Beca where she had been sitting for the past ten minutes; which was to say right outside his office, on the same uncomfortable, wooden chair she’d occupied again less than a month earlier.</p>
<p>She wasn’t sure if there had been any other two times in her entire school career she’d found herself in that same position, the principal requesting her presence in his office. She couldn’t remember with absolute certainty, but she tended to believe she hadn’t.</p>
<p>That day was supposed to be a normal Thursday. She was supposed to come to school, attend her classes, and get one day closer to graduation; while forcing everything else out of her mind as much as possible.</p>
<p>Avoiding any and all thoughts and memories of the events that had transpired the previous afternoon. Not the ones of outside the school and involving those idiots, no.</p>
<p>The ones of a small, tucked away room and the person she’d briefly shared it with.</p>
<p>She wouldn’t be thinking about that.</p>
<p>She shouldn’t and she couldn’t; so she wouldn’t.</p>
<p>It was supposed to be a normal Thursday; it could still be. However, as she stood and picked up her bag from the floor, walking into the principal’s office and closing the door behind her, she kinda doubted it would be.</p>
<p>Call her a pessimist, but in her opinion few normal days start with having to deal with any type of authority figure; let alone with zero idea of the why that was happening in the first place.</p>
<p>Thinking it wise to actually pay attention to the principal instead of spacing out right in front of him, she forced her thoughts to quiet down and stared at him as politely as she could master. She noticed him watching her carefully, a deep frown on his face.</p>
<p>What was that all about?</p>
<p>“You wanted to see me?” she couldn’t refrain from asking after many silent seconds had passed. The tense atmosphere was making her nervous and she’d rather if whatever this was about was dealt with sooner rather than later.</p>
<p>No point prolonging the moment; it wouldn’t get her out of the trouble she’d apparently found herself in somehow.</p>
<p>“Yes, Miss Mitchell, I did. I must admit, mostly to assess the validity behind a complaint that was made to me concerning a series of events that occurred yesterday. But”, he paused, before exhaling and leaning back on his chair, his eyes never leaving Beca’s face, “I couldn’t possibly need any more confirmation after seeing you”.</p>
<p>“To assess the validity of…I’m sorry, sir, but…What?”</p>
<p>Was this man incapable of speaking like a normal, human person?</p>
<p>Beca watched him sigh before extending his arm towards one of the two armchairs that stood in front of his desk and by her on both sides.</p>
<p>“Please take a seat, Miss Mitchell”.</p>
<p>“Um…I’d rather stand, if you don’t mind”.</p>
<p>She had no desire whatsoever to get comfortable and allow this weird meeting to extend for any longer than it absolutely had to.</p>
<p>The principal nodded, folding his hands on top of his desk.</p>
<p>“Very well. Allow me to get to the point, then. Yesterday afternoon a concerned student came to me and made some severe accusations against a group of students of this school. The accusations consisted of unprovoked violence against a third student party and the use of homophobic slurs against that same student”.</p>
<p>Beca’s jaw dropped as she stared dumbfounded at the man in front of her. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing.</p>
<p>“After witnessing for myself the state of your face and the injuries you have sustained, no doubt is left in my mind that the accusations are based on true facts in their entirety”.</p>
<p>Beca’s hand shot up involuntarily; she stopped it from making contact with the still tender to the touch left side of her face at the last moment. It wasn’t that bad; a light bruise ran all the way from her cheekbone to her jaw on the edges of her hairline, the rest of her cheekbone didn’t agree with any amount of pressure applied to it, and another bruise, that one a bit darker, covered half her nose and spread just under her left eye.</p>
<p>It honestly sounded –and maybe looked- way worse than it actually was; Beca was sure everything would be gone and perfectly healed by Monday. Right then, though, the bruises were very visible and very telling of how true those accusations actually were.</p>
<p>Accusations that Beca had no problem guessing who they’d been made by. She didn’t even need to guess; she knew with absolute certainty.</p>
<p>There had been only one other person present to witness that whole incident going down.</p>
<p>An observation that same person had –ironically- made themselves the day before.</p>
<p>She’d told her she didn’t want this. She’d vehemently declined both coming in the very same office she was now standing in and engaging in the very same discussion she was now having.</p>
<p>Why did she have to go and complicate things like this? It wasn’t her place or her call to make, it was Beca’s.</p>
<p>And despite Beca having made herself perfectly clear, she had gone and done this anyway. Regardless of and in complete contrast to Beca’s choice and wishes.</p>
<p>“Miss Mitchell, in this school no form of violence is tolerated, let alone any harmful behavior based on hateful and prejudiced views regarding the ethnicity, religion, color, gender, or sexual preferences of another individual. I have always strived to make our high school a safe place for all students; so I can assure you the perpetrators of the attack on you will face zero leniency and will be punished at the fullest extent of my capabilities”.</p>
<p>Beca could only nod.</p>
<p>The principal leaned forward again, the sympathetic look he now wore allowing Beca to only narrowly avoid rolling her eyes.</p>
<p>“Beca”.</p>
<p>The use of her first name startled her. That she was sure beyond any doubt had never happened before.</p>
<p>“I’m sincerely sorry for what happened to you. I can only strongly assure you that we’ll take every action necessary so it won’t happen ever again. I want you to feel secure and protected here. Let me repeat, this is a safe place for you. I will make sure that in the future that becomes again and stays true”.</p>
<p>Anger rose inside her with such force she was taken aback for a moment. Just for a moment, though, before she embraced it; outwards she gritted her teeth and forced herself to nod once more and smile politely at the –admittedly kind; but whatever, that wasn’t the point!- words.</p>
<p>This was what she had wanted to avoid. This right there.</p>
<p>People feeling bad for poor little Beca. People that had never shown any sign they cared before exaggerating now in convincing her that they did.</p>
<p>She didn’t need anyone’s pity, or to be protected like a delicate flower.</p>
<p>“Alright, you’re free to go”, the principal dismissed her in a never before seen friendly manner, that only served in fueling her anger.</p>
<p>Beca turned and walked to the door. She opened it and she was ready to step outside the office, when the principal suddenly calling her name had her turning back around to face him.</p>
<p>“I almost forgot to tell you, although it shouldn’t be any surprise considering the circumstances. Your guardian will be contacted immediately and asked to come over to be notified of the situation in person”.</p>
<p>“What? Is that necessary, sir? You don’t need-“</p>
<p>“It’s school protocol, Miss Mitchell. And considering the severity of this case, I believe it to be absolutely needed as well. That will be all”.</p>
<p>Beca didn’t wait to be told twice.</p>
<p>She was so angry right then that she didn’t trust herself to say even one more word to the principal. So she walked away, her steps hurried and her head buzzing.</p>
<p>Her guardian would be contacted…She didn’t need this, and neither did her mum.</p>
<p>Beca hadn’t even come out to her yet. She knew she would be cool with it –after getting over the initial, natural shock- but still!</p>
<p>Neither of them needed this!</p>
<p>It was a whole freaking mess, and it would get even worse when she would –definitely- be asked to name the guys, and then even worse than that when they would be called into the office and she would perhaps have to face them, and word of what had happened would get out…</p>
<p>Beca felt so angry that if someone directed even one word at her she was sure she would explode.</p>
<p>The seniors had the first period free, so there was nothing stopping her from leaving the school building and heading towards the gym, her pace even quicker as her thoughts kept pounding the inside of her skull.</p>
<p>This fucking mess shouldn’t be happening! She didn’t want this, and she had done nothing to cause it!</p>
<p>She had acted in the way that guaranteed this –exactly this!- wouldn’t happen!</p>
<p>None of it!</p>
<p>And yet it was happening now, to her, despite everything she’d done to avoid it! Despite saying out loud, multiple times, that she didn’t want any of it happening!</p>
<p>The choice had been fucking hers to make; hers! No one else’s!</p>
<p>Why the hell would she do this?! Why?!</p>
<p>Why did she still care so fucking much to do something like this?!</p>
<p>Entering the gym she scanned the big space with her eyes, finding it empty at first look. It was open, however; someone had to be in here.</p>
<p>She had no idea if she would actually find her in there, but there was some kind of Bellas performance coming up –she couldn’t currently remember for what exactly and she didn’t care to- so the gym was as good of a guess as any.</p>
<p>Beca strode through the quiet building, heading towards the back wall. She wouldn’t leave before checking the small room at the back she now knew existed. Her steps echoed loudly in the quiet, empty space and the sound of them –for some weird reason- only served to fuel her bad mood even more.</p>
<p>She hadn’t asked for this! This hadn’t been what she’d chosen!</p>
<p>(She didn’t want her caring so much; that was the point of everything she’d done!)</p>
<p>In seemingly no time she was facing the small door from the day before. As soon as she was close enough, she reached for the knob and pulled at it gruffly.</p>
<p>It wasn’t locked.</p>
<p>She stormed into the room and a fraction of a second later she halted in her tracks, her breath a little more labored than it would normally be and her heart beating faster than usual. She didn’t need to search anymore; she’d found who she’d been looking for.</p>
<p>Chloe was sitting in one of the chairs, a few papers scattered in front of her on the table. She had seemed momentarily startled by the sudden intrusion, but now she was staring back at Beca in befuddlement, eyebrows raised.</p>
<p>The fact that Chloe obviously hadn’t immediately known the reason she was now standing in front of her…</p>
<p>Beca took a deep breath to rein back her anger some; otherwise she’d start yelling right out of the gate.</p>
<p>“Why? Why would you do something like this? Why?!”</p>
<p>“Beca, what-“</p>
<p>“The principal, Chloe! Why would you go to him about what happened yesterday?!”</p>
<p>Beca watched as realization dawned on her –fucking finally!-, Chloe’s expression shifting from confusion to slight apprehension…and determination.</p>
<p>In a split second Beca knew that Chloe wouldn’t back down, admit she’d been wrong to do what she’d done. She should have expected it, honestly.</p>
<p>It was so Chloe.</p>
<p>That didn’t mean that seeing the look on her face now, as she stood up and folded her arms, didn’t only serve in fueling her anger more.</p>
<p>“Because you deserve the school to know and do something about it. Because what happened was wrong!”</p>
<p>“So what?!” Beca exclaimed, throwing her arms in the air. “It was wrong, whatever! You shouldn’t have done this anyway!”</p>
<p>“No, <strong>you</strong> should have done it! But you didn’t want to, and it wasn’t right to let this one slide! What they did was inexcusable and they should be punished for it!”</p>
<p>“Yes, I didn’t want to!” Beca all but shouted, unable to hold back anymore. “And you knew I didn’t want to! That didn’t mean I wanted <strong>you</strong> to do it! It wasn’t on you to do something about it, Chloe!”</p>
<p>“You were hurt, Beca! I had to wipe literal blood off your face and today you’re all bruised, I mean” she motioned sharply in the direction of her face, her voice rising in volume with every word, “look at yourself! I had to do something about this, I couldn’t just let it go!”</p>
<p>“Why?!”</p>
<p>“Because it was the right thing to do! I was there, I was the only one that saw what happened, I was the only that could-“</p>
<p>“Stop!” Beca shouted at the top of her lungs.</p>
<p>Why couldn’t Chloe understand? Why couldn’t she just stay away? Why did she have to keep getting involved in Beca’s messes?</p>
<p>The point of everything, all the hell she’d gone through since Sunday, was to keep Chloe away from those.</p>
<p>Why did she have to make everything so fucking difficult?!</p>
<p>“Just stop getting involved in my life! I didn’t ask you to! Why can’t you just stop?!”</p>
<p>The short silence that followed her outburst was deafening.</p>
<p>Beca was breathing hard, her heart beating wildly inside her chest. The room was starting to feel too small, the air around them too thick.</p>
<p>Chloe was staring back at her unmoving, frozen in place, before a humorless chuckle fell from her lips.</p>
<p>“Why? Because I care about you, Beca, because-“, Chloe cut herself off, all her fire from only seconds earlier replaced entirely by something much softer, “-because I have feelings for you, and I only wanted to help”.</p>
<p>“You shouldn’t”, Beca shot back instinctively, fervently shaking her head. “You shouldn’t try to- you shouldn’t want to help and you shouldn’t have those feelings. I didn’t ask- I don’t want- I didn’t ask you to get those feelings for me”.</p>
<p>Chloe had to understand.</p>
<p>“You seriously think it’s that simple?” Chloe asked, disbelief coloring her tone. “That just because you don’t want me to, I don’t? Have them? You didn’t ask me to…” Chloe chuckled again; the slight bitterness there making Beca’s heart clench.</p>
<p>“Yeah, you didn’t ask me to. You just walked into my life, all mysterious and moody and cool, made me believe that you wanted this, that you were invested in this, and then when I <strong>did</strong> get these feelings you just walked <strong>right</strong> back out. But no, you didn’t <strong>ask</strong> for this, right? No actual words left your mouth; you never actually <strong>said</strong> it, right?”</p>
<p>“I never asked for you falling for me”, Beca stated matter-of-factly, trying once more to keep her voice and temper in check.</p>
<p>“Again with the asking!” Chloe scoffed, her own temper flaring up instead. “After everything that happened between us, everything you said and did…You punched two guys because they insulted me! You invited me to have dinner with your dad!” she all but shouted. “You spent every waking moment with me, you let me open up to you, you- Of course I fell for you, Beca!”</p>
<p>“You don’t even really know me, Chloe!” Beca shouted back.</p>
<p>She was getting increasingly desperate for Chloe to see that this wasn’t supposed to be happening. That it couldn’t.</p>
<p>“I was trying to!” Chloe retorted without missing a beat. “I was trying to so damn hard, milking every rare chance you ever gave me! But that’s on me, I guess. Shame on me for not realizing you didn’t want me to, right?” she asked pointedly, eyes blazing. “Fair enough, but don’t tell me I don’t know you like you’re accusing me of something! At least <strong>I</strong> was <strong>trying</strong> to!”</p>
<p>Something in her tone rubbed Beca the wrong way; she understood the insinuation perfectly.</p>
<p>“You think I didn’t try? You think<strong> I</strong> didn’t <strong>try</strong>?”</p>
<p>“Did you, though? The only time you opened up, really opened up, was when you were drunk, Beca!”</p>
<p>“That doesn’t mean-“</p>
<p>“And don’t think I don’t know what’s been happening. Don’t think I haven’t heard”, Chloe emphasized her last sentence, a warning in her tone.</p>
<p>The sudden change in topic threw Beca completely off.</p>
<p>“What are you talking about?”</p>
<p>“That new girl you like…the one you hit on three days after you- three days after Sunday. You know”, Chloe pressed on, her bitterness and sarcasm now clearly evident, “the one you invited to your house?”</p>
<p>It took Beca a few seconds to connect the dots.</p>
<p>“That was my lab partner, and I wasn’t hitting on her. I offered my house for a project because hers was unavailable”, Beca explained simply.</p>
<p>She hadn’t done anything wrong, and yet there was still something heavy that had settled in the pit of her stomach. Did Chloe actually think she’d moved on that quickly?</p>
<p>Did she think Beca wanted to?</p>
<p>She watched something pass over Chloe’s face; it was so fleeting, there one second and gone the next, that she couldn’t be sure what it had been.</p>
<p>It had seemed like relief. She could be wrong.</p>
<p>Whatever it might have been Chloe held her ground, folding her arms.</p>
<p>“That doesn’t negate my point, Beca. You wouldn’t open up to me, you- you wouldn’t let me in! I tried to show you that it was okay, that you could with me and that I wanted you to, and you only-“</p>
<p>“Oh my God!” Beca exclaimed, anger and frustration coursing through her with renewed force.</p>
<p>She ran a hand through her hair, trying desperately not to start yelling again; but what was the point anymore?</p>
<p>What was left at that point for her to lose?</p>
<p> “You think it was easy for me, huh? Even that, according to you, <strong>tiny</strong> bit of opening up that I <strong>did</strong> do- you think that was a piece of cake for me, don’t you?” Beca asked rhetorically, the volume of her voice rising again. “Well it wasn’t, Chloe! It wasn’t! I tried so damn hard to let you in, I tried every single fucking day! So cut it out with that bullshit about me not trying, okay?! I did nothing but try!” she shouted, her ears ringing slightly by how loud her voice had gotten.</p>
<p>That didn’t deter Chloe of course; didn’t even seem to faze her at all.</p>
<p>If anything, it seemed to only rile her up more.</p>
<p>“Right! You tried! I thought so too and I trusted that and let you lift me up higher and higher, until you stepped back and I crashed back down!” Chloe took a deep breath, before pointing an accusing finger at Beca. “I put all my faith in you and you, no matter what you claim here, never put any faith in me”, she accused; her tone so much quieter than a second earlier that an involuntary chill ran down Beca’s spine.</p>
<p>She could see Chloe’s hand shaking a bit as it kept pointing at her; condemning her.</p>
<p>“If you had, you wouldn’t have walked away. You-“ Chloe’s voice cracked; her face suddenly betraying so much hurt that Beca felt her entire body seizing up.</p>
<p>Unable to move or talk; to even think. The only option left to her to keep staring at the devastation in front her slowly unfold.</p>
<p>“You were never serious about this, were you?” Chloe questioned, sounding small and fragile and broken. “You weren’t, or you wouldn’t have done this to- to us, you wouldn’t have been able to; you would have taken into account that I…”, Chloe trailed off, her eyes shining now with unshed tears.</p>
<p>And Beca still couldn’t move; she couldn’t, although she could see something flickering in Chloe’s eyes. Something small, and yet still there, still fighting to stay alive.</p>
<p>Was it hope? Could it be; still?</p>
<p>She watched two tears escape Chloe’s eyes and trickle, agonizingly slow, down her cheeks; she watched as, the moment they reached her jaw, that small flicker in her eyes was extinguished.</p>
<p>Chloe wiped her face decisively, before something seemed to snap inside her and she threw her arms in the air.</p>
<p>“God, how did I let this happen? Everyone was warning me, even my own self! Because that’s how I am, I feel too much and people can’t follow; aren’t willing to! Why would this be any different, why did I think it would- it could be?” Chloe paused momentarily, her arms limp by her sides now. “This is all my own damn fault”, she breathed out in the end.</p>
<p>Beca could see how hard she was trying to hold back more tears from falling.</p>
<p>Because that’s how Chloe was; always fighting through, always pushing forward, always standing tall.</p>
<p>She looked so defeated now.</p>
<p>Beca couldn’t stand that; watching her cave under self-deprecation and misplaced blame.</p>
<p>“You weren’t too much, you… It wasn’t anything you did, Chloe”, she offered, gently yet resolutely. “It was my choice”.</p>
<p>She watched a sad smile spread on Chloe’s lips.</p>
<p>“What about my choice, Beca? What about my choice? The one I made twice, I might add. God-“, she whispered, almost as if talking to herself, “how much of an idiot am I for doing that?”</p>
<p>Beca was ready to intervene; to tell her that she wasn’t an idiot, tell her that-</p>
<p>“Maybe I shouldn’t have”, Chloe said, beating her to it. “You made my heart feel so deeply, so quickly; I should have known it was gonna get me into trouble. I think, deep down, maybe…”, she trailed off, her eyes boring into Beca’s. “Yeah…I think I knew. So maybe I shouldn’t have”.</p>
<p>At Chloe’s calm, contemplative words Beca felt as if all the oxygen had suddenly been sucked out of the small room.</p>
<p>“So you regret this?”</p>
<p>That wasn’t…She’d never wanted…That couldn’t…</p>
<p>“I loved you; with all my heart. And I don’t even know if <strong>you</strong> ever loved <strong>me</strong>. Even a tiny bit”.</p>
<p>Beca couldn’t do anything but watch Chloe pick up the long-forgotten papers from the table and place them carefully inside her bag, before hoisting it over her shoulder and walking right past her; exiting the small, tucked away room a second later.</p>
<p>She could hear the echo of her footsteps fading away as the distance between them grew with each moment that passed; until she –no matter how much she strained her ears- couldn’t hear them anymore.</p>
<p>Chloe was gone.</p>
<p>Chloe was gone and she wasn’t sure if she should have ever given Beca a chance.</p>
<p>She didn’t even know if Beca loved her.</p>
<p>Beca’s heart had broken when she’d walked away from Chloe; when she’d let her go for her own good, to avoid her getting hurt by all the fucked up shit her and her life were both full of.</p>
<p>Now that she knew she hadn’t even managed to make Chloe feel loved…That she hadn’t managed to show her, ever, how much she did love her, that that was the very reason she had walked away…</p>
<p>Chloe deserved to feel loved. She didn’t deserve anything less than that.</p>
<p>No, now Beca’s heart hadn’t broken again.</p>
<p>It had shattered, into a million pieces; the blunt pain she’d felt since Sunday suddenly so sharp her entire being –body and soul- felt like it was screaming in pain.</p>
<p>In desperation.</p>
<p>In finality.</p>
<p>Because Chloe didn’t think that Beca loved her; that she’d ever loved her. And that had made Chloe’s love for her –that was warmth and safety and light; that felt like home- wither away.</p>
<p>She’d heard the past tense; loud and clear.</p>
<p>(How had it not dawned on her before that exactly this was what she was leading them towards? It seemed unfathomable that it wouldn’t have, and yet…)</p>
<p>Chloe’s love belonged in the past.</p>
<p>And without it Beca’s future had never seemed emptier.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Alright! That was something, wasn't it? Don't worry, though, this time you won't have to wait long; not at all actually. Next chapter will be posted tomorrow (if no natural disasters occur in the meantime). [No natural disasters occured, chapter was posted on schedule]<br/>So thank you for reading and I'll see you all then!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>"I thought heaven can't help me now<br/>Nothing lasts forever [...]<br/>I can see the end as it begins, my one condition is<br/>Say you'll remember me [...]<br/>Say you'll see me again even if it's just in your wildest dreams"<br/>-Wildest Dreams (1989), Taylor Swift</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Chapter serving as entry for the Taylor Swift x Bechloe challenge on tumblr (day 5), based on and drawing inspiration from the song mentioned above.<br/>Trigger Warnings: use of a homophobic slur. Just be mindful while reading.<br/>Besides that, nothing that hasn't happened before in this fic...I'm leaving it at that.<br/>This chapter actually didn't hate me, and I had quite the pleasant time writing it (which was so refreshing). Maybe that's why it has a special place in my heart, or maybe it's because some parts ended up making me feel extremely soft while others really hurt me. Either way, I hope you enjoy it!<br/>And now, on with the story!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>That was exactly what she had wanted to avoid; because she’d been sure it would happen. She’d never understood how rumors and things that had happened in private managed to spread around that school like wildfire; swiftly and sweepingly.</p><p>Somehow, what had happened to her seemed to have become common knowledge incredibly quickly after she’d left the principal’s office. Two hours later and Beca could feel eyes on her, could hear whispered words as she passed.</p><p>She could feel her school mates judging her wherever she went; whether for liking girls, telling on the guys –which she hadn’t even done-, or for just being…well, her usual self she didn’t know.</p><p>They did, though; it wasn’t just her imagination. She’d caught people’s eyes as they were seizing her up; averting her own as fast as she could. After the fourth time it had happened she’d just kept her eyes downcast from then on.</p><p>She’d heard her name that day -groups of people talking in hushed voices around her- more than she did most months. After the sixth time it had happened she’d forced herself to stop paying attention, focusing on the thoughts inside her head instead.</p><p>“Hey Mitchell! I’d make you for a dyke, but you didn’t seem like a rat!”</p><p>Beca ignored him, whoever he was, and the sniggers and laughs that followed that –apparently highly agreeable and entertaining- comment. She kept walking, even as from the corner of her eye she caught a glimpse of fiery, familiar red.</p>
<hr/><p>“Beca?”</p><p>Beca raised her eyes from the floor startled, not expecting that someone would have gotten so close to her without her noticing.</p><p>She was sitting outside the principal’s office again, having been called there –again!- to wait for her mum to arrive.</p><p>The school had contacted her right after Beca had left the principal’s office that same morning; just like the principal had promised. Her mum had been furious. She had asked questions. She was expected to come over at the end of the school day. Everything would be sorted out then, and Beca had nothing to worry about.</p><p>The very nice lady that managed the school’s administrative work had informed her of all that twenty minutes earlier.</p><p>Beca wished that everyone would just…would just stop.</p><p>Her mum was standing right in front of her now, deep concern etched all over her face as she took in her injured face. Beca watched her watching her passively; she couldn’t find it in her to even feel bad about hiding the whole thing from her mum and letting her be completely blindsided.</p><p>“That’s why you didn’t come down for breakfast this morning? That’s why you basically hid in your room until I left for work?” her mum inquired softly.</p><p>Yeah…not one of her most brilliant plans; she hadn’t wanted to outright lie, but her mum would have seen her face sooner or later and definitely before the bruises were gone.</p><p>They lived in the same house. Half her face was purple.</p><p>She had acted like a coward.</p><p>So nothing new there.</p><p>“I’m sorry, mum, I just…I didn’t want to make a big deal out of this. It wasn’t…I’m fine”.</p><p>Her mum sighed, her gaze now locked on hers. Beca watched her open her mouth before closing it again, seemingly rethinking what she was about to say.</p><p>“Okay”, she finally said, her fingers gliding over Beca’s hair in a small caress, “we can pick this back up at home later. I’m going to talk with your principal now; you wait here, honey, okay?”</p><p>Beca nodded –not much else she could do anyway- and followed her mum with her eyes as she entered the office, shutting the door closed behind her.</p>
<hr/><p>“Honey, why didn’t you talk to me? Why didn’t you say something?”</p><p>“I told you, I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. They were just some idiots who did a stupid thing and then it was over”.</p><p>It hadn’t been until dinner time that same day that her mum mentioned anything relevant to what her earlier visit to the school had been about.</p><p>Beca didn’t want to talk about any of it. She just wanted things to stop happening one after another in such quick succession; everything in her life was shifting and changing and constantly moving, and she was really struggling to keep up.</p><p>She felt so tired.</p><p>However, she recognized that her mum had the right to have and ask questions. It was only fair; the whole thing was a lot. Didn’t mean she enjoyed answering them; or having the conversation they were currently having in general.</p><p>“Beca”. Her mum’s serious tone had her raising her eyes from her plate and looking at her. “Someone threw a basketball at your face. You got hurt; half your face is bruised. We don’t hide stuff like that from each other, Beca”, she concluded; tone still serious but also gentle.</p><p>Beca nodded. She understood what her mum was saying; how concerned she had been, how she wanted to be able to take care of her, to be on top of situations like this…She understood.</p><p>She was too tired to argue about it anyway. There was no point.</p><p>Silence fell between them for a long moment.</p><p>“Your principal told me why this happened as well”, her mum eventually continued. “What these boys said to you. And I couldn’t help but wonder…”, she trailed off.</p><p>Beca sighed and looked at her once again. She’d known these questions would be coming as well.</p><p>“Is it true? Are you…Are you attracted to girls?” her mum asked tentatively.</p><p>“I am. I think I’m attracted to both. Boys and girls, I mean”.</p><p>“You think? Is this something you aren’t-“</p><p>“No, wrong word. I know I am”.</p><p>“Okay”, her mum said simply as she nodded once, taking another bite of her food.</p><p>Beca couldn’t help but smile, even if it was just for a second. She knew her mum wouldn’t have a problem with this; she knew her mum.</p><p>It still felt good to actually be proven right, though.</p><p>“Can I ask you just one question, honey?”</p><p>“Sure, mum. Why not?”</p><p>“Have you…tested this? No, that’s not right. I’m sorry. What I mean is, have you developed feelings for a specific girl? Have you been attracted to one? I just wonder how you realized, is all”.</p><p>“I…It was…”, Beca struggled to find the right words. How could she ever explain how much more –infinitely- than that it was? How deeply in her heart she had come to feel for Ch-</p><p>“Yeah. That’s how I realized”.</p>
<hr/><p>Someone tripped her in the cafeteria the next day.</p><p>She was carrying the tray with her lunch, scanning the big space with her eyes to find somewhere isolated to sit, when her foot got caught on something. Startled and out of balance she stumbled forward, her hands losing their grip on her tray; it landed on the floor haphazardly, the food spilling all over the dark tiles.</p><p>She barely managed not to fall down alongside her meal.</p><p>She could have thought it was an accident; if the sound of loud laughter didn’t surround her right after alongside multiple people clearly congratulating someone. The one, she assumed, who had caused all this hilarity with their brilliant idea.</p><p>The high-fives from the table behind her echoed inside her head as her gaze shot up unwittingly; as if at that moment some unknown force had demanded her unwavering focus.</p><p>When her eyes locked on a pair of icy blue ones, Beca knew it had indeed been a force; it just hadn’t been an unknown one.</p><p>Beca should have known it was her; she was the only person that had that effect on her.</p><p>Her mere presence in the same room as Beca had always been magnetic; as if something inside Beca was always searching for her.</p><p>She allowed herself three seconds to stare into those deep blues of opportunities missed; she thought she saw a million things in them in that endless short moment, worry being the prevalent one.</p><p>She kept cursing at her mind for its foolishness all the way out of the cafeteria.</p>
<hr/><p>The period after lunch went by uneventfully.</p><p>When she reached her locker to retrieve a book for her next class, she realized that it actually hadn’t.</p><p>Spray painted on the metal in front of her, in bold black letters, was that word; the same word the guys that had treated her head like a hoop had called her.</p><p>Dyke.</p><p>She kept staring at it as the seconds ticked by; as the whispers around her picked up in volume. She didn’t pay them but a fleeting thought, her attention focused on that single word.</p><p>It was just a word like any other; maybe more able to hurt people than some of the rest, but it was still a word. It didn’t bother her in the way the one who had created the work of art now in front of her surely had hoped for. It wasn’t degrading or insulting or anything like that to her.</p><p>It did hurt, though, seeing it so carelessly plastered onto a cold piece of metal. Because –entirely unreasonably- she felt as if it was cheapening her experiences; forcing them into a small, suffocating box of assumptions and stripping away everything meaningful that they held.</p><p>There were tears stinging at the back of her eyes at that thought, her heart beating faster inside her chest.</p><p>It was only natural that her gaze searched then for the one thing around that could possibly provide some comfort.</p><p>Beca found her a few feet away, staring not at the word but squarely at Beca’s face; the full force of those warm pools taking her breath away for a second.</p><p>They were looking at her even more intensely than in the cafeteria. They were shining more than normal. As if Beca wasn’t the only one whose eyes were stinging. As if the person they belonged to still cared, as if she still felt…</p><p>She allowed a teacher that had just arrived on the scene to escort her away, resolutely keeping her eyes trained on the floor.</p><p>She had never been one for foolish day-dreams and fantasies and she wouldn’t start now. She had been present for all the moments everything ended, after all.</p>
<hr/><p>She really disliked that chair she’d found herself sitting again in. It was uncomfortable, sure.</p><p>But she mostly disliked that every time she occupied it she was somehow feeling even smaller than the previous one. Like now, at the end of the school day, waiting for her mum to come to the school for the second day in a row.</p><p>Her mum didn’t need this nonsense; rushing to her aid constantly because some people were idiots.</p><p>Rushing to her aid because Beca couldn’t defend or help herself.</p><p>That’s how she felt like as she kept waiting –she didn’t know by now how long she’d done so for- outside the principal’s office.</p><p>Helpless. Lost.</p><p>Numb to it all; because she was so damn tired of everything, all the bullshit that kept happening. Caused both by other people and her own self.</p><p>She couldn’t do the hurt and the pain anymore. She’d gotten to a point beyond even that.</p><p>It was exhausting to her very bones to not just be curled in her bed instead of waiting in that damn wooden chair. So there was no room inside her anymore for anything more than that; the simple, tremendous effort to be at school at that moment, to be even seemingly present.</p><p>Her mum had to arrive at some point so that day could finally maybe end. It had felt like an eternity.</p><p>At the sound of hurried footsteps, Beca turned her head towards the direction the sound was coming from.</p><p>What she saw, however, had her brain shutting off for a moment.</p><p>Her mum was indeed approaching.</p><p>Along with her dad.</p><p>They were approaching together, talking animatedly amongst themselves. They were there together, in the school, where the principal was expecting Beca’s mum to discuss about the new homophobic attack on her daughter.</p><p>An attack that had happened because her daughter liked girls.</p><p>Her dad could not be there right now; she had to be seeing things.</p><p>Her dad could not find out about this, about any of it.</p><p>What was he even doing at the school? Why was he even with her mum? Why-</p><p>“Beca”.</p><p>Her dad’s voice pulled her out of her spinning thoughts.</p><p>Her parents had reached her spot now and Beca lifted her gaze to stare at both of them as they towered over her. It must have shown on her face, how utterly bewildered and confused at their joint appearance she was, because her mum offered her a small, tight-lipped smile.</p><p>Beca knew it was meant to be reassuring. In reality it was anything but; maybe because the situation itself left absolutely no room for reassurance.</p><p>“Your father visited me at work today. He was there when the school called and he insisted in coming along”.</p><p>Ah. That made sense.</p><p>Actually it didn’t, not very much; at least the simple statement had answered the why and how the fuck her dad had gotten involved in this fucking situation.</p><p>“Well of course I did. They said something about you being targeted again? And your face- Beca, what happened to your face?”</p><p>As her dad kept talking –kept asking questions that sounded simple enough and yet were anything but- Beca glanced at her mum.</p><p>She could see how displeased she was with the current situation, tension emanating from her in waves.</p><p>She knew her mum would never have brought her dad into this if the circumstances hadn’t forced her to. She was not blaming her at all for the shitstorm she knew would come after her dad talked to the principal.</p><p>Her mum caught her eye then.</p><p>“Was it the same person that is responsible for whatever happened today? Because if so, the school-“</p><p>“Okay”, her mum interrupted decisively, “you can keep interrogating our daughter or we can go in and find out”, she said flatly.</p><p>Beca watched as her parents exchanged a look, before her mum sent a brief last glance her way as they both headed to the office door.</p><p>The sound of it closing behind them a few seconds later sounded to her ears like a gunshot and she flinched.</p><p>Everything was spiraling out of control and she didn’t have anything to hold on to to try and avoid the crash she could see coming.</p><p>Her dad would know.</p><p>She didn’t want to deal with that. And yet she’d have to.</p><p>She was so tired already…</p><p>Beca didn’t do dramatic, but she couldn’t help but wonder when her life had turned into a nightmare. She couldn’t deal with the couple answers that immediately came to her mind.</p>
<hr/><p>“What do you want me to say here, dad?”</p><p>“It wasn’t a hard question, Beca! Really simple, rather!”</p><p>“Nothing about this question is simple, I-“</p><p>“It was a yes or no question!”</p><p>“It’s much more than that, dad, and you know it. Let’s just-“</p><p>“Stop evading and tell me the truth! Is it true?!”</p><p>“Please calm down, Robert. This is not the place for this discussion”.</p><p>“I’m talking to my daughter, Denise, so please stay out of it. Besides, I’m not trying to discuss anything; I’m only looking for a simple answer to an extremely simple question!”</p><p>“Robert-“</p><p>“Is it true or not, Beca?! What your principal told us, is it true or not?!”</p><p>“I don’t… Dad, this isn’t as simple as-“</p><p>“I asked you if you were gay or not, Beca! I asked you if my daughter likes girls now! It <strong>is</strong> that simple, and it should be even simpler for you to <strong>answer </strong>because all you should have to say is <strong>no</strong>! At least that’s what the daughter I’ve known <strong>all her life</strong> would say!”</p><p>“Okay, that’s enough. Robert, this conversation is over. If you want-“</p><p>“You can’t just dismiss me like that, Denise! I’m still her father, and I won’t have you-“</p><p>“You are welcome to come by the house some time during the weekend, we can arrange that. However, I won’t have you continuing this argument in the <strong>middle</strong> of our daughter’s high school after the day she just had!”</p><p>Beca watched as her dad considered her mum’s words for several seconds, his eyes jumping back and forth between her and her mum.</p><p>“Fine. I’ll call you tomorrow morning to arrange a time that suits you best”, he finally acceded.</p><p>Before Beca could feel even the slightest bit relieved that the trainwreck this discussion would undoubtedly be was at least postponed and over for now, her dad turned his attention back to her once more.</p><p>“Any answer for me before I leave, Beca?”</p><p>He wasn’t shouting anymore and his now calm, measured tone was somehow even worse. Now that he had stopped being outraged by the –according to him- absurdity of the claim that she could ever do such a thing, the only thing that Beca could see on his face was utter disappointment.</p><p>Beca wasn’t surprised in the slightest; she knew this would happen. That was exactly the reason she had wanted for her dad to never find out.</p><p>And now he knew.</p><p>She may not have confirmed nor denied anything yet, but he wasn’t stupid. Her refusal to give a definitive answer was a giveaway by itself anyway.</p><p>Still, she shook her head in denial at her dad’s latest question. Even now that everything was basically out in the open she remained unable to just say the truth about this.</p><p>Her truth.</p><p>She was such a coward.</p><p>She watched as her dad nodded, the disappointment on his face deepening; she kept watching as he turned his back and walked away.</p><p>The actual conversation with him hadn’t even started, and yet it felt like something had already ended; never to be the same again.</p><p>She knew it wouldn’t be. That’s why she’d been so adamant about keeping him in the dark.</p><p>Because she knew that, in some ways, she would lose him if the truth came out; if she came out.</p><p>She may have lost so much of him already, when he’d left after the divorce and had barely looked back, but she didn’t want to lose any more. Or maybe it was exactly because of that.</p><p>He was her dad. It was simple as that.</p><p>Beca felt the tears return in her eyes at the same time that a sharp pain pierced through her heart.</p><p>It felt like everything was crumbling around her; not an inch of solid ground for her to stand on anymore. How much longer could she fight the relentless force –as unavoidable as gravity- that was pulling her down without something to hold on to? How much longer without the promise of even a far away safe place where she could eventually rest?</p><p>They were supposed to be rhetorical questions; and yet something inside her forced her eyes to look around, to search for that place of sweet refuge.</p><p>Beca was startled when she saw her watching from a few feet away; was it a few feet or was it miles at that point? She was even more surprised when she saw how red-trimmed and watery her eyes were, how tightly her arms were wrapped around her body.</p><p>But she was and always had been a compassionate person; Beca knew that. It didn’t have to mean anything more than that.</p><p>Allowing even the weakest flicker of hope inside her would be foolish and naïve. It would be a ridiculous romantic notion; Beca wasn’t and had never been a romantic.</p><p>She did allow herself to stare a bit longer into those radiant blues, though; how could she not? Their very existence was comfort enough, despite the fact that it was wrapped in heart-break and longing.</p><p>She forced herself to look away and start walking only after she realized a few tears were trickling down her face.</p>
<hr/><p>The party was going in full force. The music loud, the alcohol plenty, the lights lowered…people everywhere –inside the house, at the front porch, in the back by the pool- dancing and drinking and having fun.</p><p>It was a Saturday night after all, and surprisingly not freezing cold despite the time of the year. So there was no time for worries; everyone just wanted to have –and from the looks of it, was having- a good time.</p><p>Beca wasn’t having a good time. She hadn’t come to this party to have one anyway.</p><p>Her dad would be coming by the house the next day after lunch. The moment her mum had ended the call that afternoon, she had looked at her sympathetically as she’d told her those delightful news.</p><p>Beca knew it was coming, that it was inevitable to have that conversation with him. That didn’t stop a sick feeling from settling in the pit of her stomach. The way her mum was looking at her wasn’t helping either; she didn’t want to be pitied, by anyone.</p><p>She’d done this to herself.</p><p>She knew that this party would be happening days before, it had been the talk of the school; popular kids throwing open-to-anyone-and-everyone parties when their parents were out of town always were.</p><p>She hadn’t planned on attending, of course. You needed a friend group -or at least some tolerable acquaintances- to do that, from what she understood.</p><p>Those kinds of things weren’t even her scene, so it was fine.</p><p>She didn’t want to go.</p><p>…A fact that had changed once she’d learned what awaited her the next day.</p><p>A place where she could sit in a corner and drink all she wanted had sounded incredibly appealing all of a sudden.</p><p>By now she didn’t know for how long she’d been at this house, sitting on an abandoned deckchair at the far end of the backyard and drinking from a yellow plastic cup that she’d lost count of how many times she’d refilled.</p><p>She didn’t care to keep a track of the time or her alcohol consumption anyway; people –miraculously- weren’t bothering her, so she was in no hurry to leave. The alcohol had a thin fog covering her mind and keeping the tangled mess of thoughts in it at bay.</p><p>She desperately needed that. Thinking of all the fucked up shit in her life -many of which were of her own making- had become increasingly intolerable and exhausting.</p><p>So Beca would be happy to stay right where she was for as long as she could.</p><p>As time passed, she could feel the welcome buzz from the alcohol intensifying. She wasn’t exactly drunk; at least she didn’t think so. However, her vision had indeed become slightly blurry at the edges, the colors of everything around her weirdly more vivid.</p><p>She closed her eyes for a moment to test a thought, and a small spinning sensation washed over her.</p><p>Maybe she was drunk.</p><p>She took another sip from her drink.</p><p>Suddenly, some kind of ball flew right by her head. Beca barely refrained from spilling the contents of her cup all over herself as she flinched away instinctively. She heard it bounce off the wooden fence behind her and then it reappeared in her line of vision, rolling gently on the lawn for a few seconds before stopping.</p><p>“Balls just can’t resist you, Mitchell! Just like you can’t resist pussies!”</p><p>Beca rolled her eyes, heart still hammering inside her chest. She resettled in her seat and took another drink, ignoring the laughter that had followed that -apparently hilarious- comment.</p><p>People seemed to resume their previous activities –whatever those might have been- after the laughter had died down and didn’t pay any more attention to her. She was thankful for that; even though after her previous sudden movement the effects of the alcohol had become significantly more pronounced and she didn’t need to close her eyes anymore for her surroundings to be spinning a little, she still wanted to stay if she could.</p><p>Beca sighed, taking another drink from her cup. She wanted to stay at a place where she wasn’t even deemed important or significant enough to be unwelcome. No, they’d allowed her in and at a moment when they’d become bored or whatever they’d done something that would gauge a reaction out of her; just to observe, make a joke, and share a laugh at her expense. Like an animal at the zoo.</p><p>And she was staying even after that because her life sucked so much that she wanted to get even more drunk than she already was. Despite having no friends at this place; scratch that, she didn’t even have people who liked her here.</p><p>She was pathetic.</p><p>Beca rubbed her face with one hand, pressing her palm against her eyes for a few seconds. It felt like there wasn’t a single person in the world anymore that didn’t consider her just a part of the background of their life. Not a single person willing to just stop for a second and look at her –really look at her.</p><p>She just felt…so fucking lonely.</p><p>She recognized the stinging at the back of her eyes and she got the urge to laugh. She was alone at a party, drunk off her ass, and ready to start crying.</p><p>She was so fucking pathetic.</p><p>“Hey”.</p><p>She dropped her hand from her face immediately, eyes snapping open. It took them a moment to focus as she stared up at the person standing right in front of her; the person she hadn’t even caught a glimpse of that night so far.</p><p>And now she was standing right there, a couple of feet away from her. She was just…standing there.</p><p>She nodded dumbly, her brain unable –for many reasons, her being drunk not even the most prominent one- to form any coherent thoughts.</p><p>Beca watched her as she eyed her for a short moment; her senses so attuned to hers that she saw her take a small, almost imperceptible inhale before she stepped forward and sat down beside her.</p><p>Beca had no idea what was happening.</p><p>She had no idea why Chloe was now sitting on the same deckchair as her; why she had approached her in the first place.</p><p>She decided it didn’t matter. Having her so close had warmth spreading inside her body; her mere presence soothing her in the same way it always did.</p><p>She’d thought she’d never get to experience that again.</p><p>So it didn’t matter why Chloe was there, close enough to touch without Beca even stretching her arm. All that mattered was the simple fact that she was.</p><p>(And that Chloe stayed. Even just for a little while)</p><p>So she allowed herself to relax; to soak in everything that Chloe was in the comfortable silence that stretched between them. To soak in how reassuring it was, in the middle of a world that didn’t seem to want to give her enough space to breathe lately, that there was still a person offering her enough oxygen to keep going.</p><p>She closed her eyes, taking it all in.</p><p>The peace. The comfort. The safety.</p><p>When she opened them again her head turned to the side; as if drawn, once again, by the gravitational pull Chloe had on her.</p><p>Beca wasn’t even startled when she saw Chloe already watching her; she gladly allowed herself to get lost in those icy blues, no matter that she could see in the way they were a little heavy-lidded that Chloe had been drinking too.</p><p>They still felt like home.</p><p>She watched a small, sad smile spread on Chloe’s lips.</p><p>“I wish I could get you away from all this”, Chloe said softly. “I wish I could just… put you in my car and drive away; from everyone here that…”</p><p>Chloe trailed off, her eyes suddenly shining brighter as they caught the lights from the house.</p><p>Or maybe it was because of the tears welling up in them. Beca could see the first hints of them in the depths of those deep pools of radiant blue she loved.</p><p>“From everyone and everything here that is hurting you”, Chloe continued, tone even softer than before. “It hurts me, right here”, she pointed at her chest, at the spot right over her heart, “every time it happens; every time I watch it happen. You don’t deserve any of it, Bec”, she breathed, a tear glistening as it trickled down her slightly flushed cheek.</p><p>Beca shook her head, trying to hold back her own tears.</p><p>“It’s okay”, she reassured gently.</p><p>She watched another tear fall, following the first one.</p><p>“It’s not. Because it’s my fault, it’s my fault that you’re hurting and I-“</p><p>“No, Chlo, stop”, Beca interrupted her, her hand instinctively reaching for Chloe’s and holding it firmly; squeezing it to underline her conviction in her words. “It’s not your fault, okay? None of it”.</p><p>“But you’re still hurting”.</p><p>She could hear the pain in Chloe’s hushed, tender tone. She could hear the helplessness in not being able to make the hurt go away.</p><p>She could hear all the care that Chloe somehow still had for her. Her voice was dripping with it; and it washed over Beca like balm on an open wound, soothing that soul-deep ache all the broken pieces between them and all the sharp edges in her own life had caused.</p><p>She hadn’t thought anything would pierce through the bad dream her life had turned into; she hadn’t thought that Chloe would ever be a presence in her life again, even for a second.</p><p>She’d thought Chloe’s light wouldn’t be around to help her this time.</p><p>But there she was, back in her life. Beca knew it wouldn’t last forever; nothing did and she’d messed up too much to even hope anyway.</p><p>Chloe was there, with her, even if it was only for that night.</p><p>Chloe that had tears sliding down her face, staring at Beca in such a heart-breakingly loving way that something cracked inside Beca at that moment; something dark and heavy that had been suffocating her heart for the longest time.</p><p>She could feel it as it broke apart and fell away, the cold that she didn’t even know accompanied it retreating and disappearing.</p><p>Beca’s hand rose slowly, deliberately, shaking a bit as it caught Chloe’s tears; carefully –reverently- wiping them away. Even after the moisture was gone she didn’t pull away; caressing the soft skin with the back of her fingers, her eyes trained on Chloe’s.</p><p>She stared at her like she never had before. Allowing all the feelings inside her to finally –finally- roam free as she cupped Chloe’s face in her palm.</p><p>Chloe leaning into her touch and closing her eyes as a soft breath was released from slightly parted lips was her undoing; Beca leaned forward, closing the small distance and pressing her lips to hers.</p><p>Maybe it would cause her more pain, having this tonight only to lose it again by morning. Maybe it would make things worse. She could see the end coming as clear as day.</p><p>She couldn’t bring herself to care.</p><p>Not as Chloe’s lips started moving against her own, trapping her bottom lip between her own and sucking gently. Not as Chloe’s hand cupped her own cheek for a moment before sliding towards and into her hair, gripping at it and keeping her firmly in place.</p><p>Not as Chloe deepened the kiss, her tongue delicately and yet decisively caressing her own.</p><p>Beca scooted closer until no space remained between their bodies; her other hand wrapping around Chloe’s waist and pulling her even closer. Just as she did that, Chloe brought both her hands to her face, holding her jaw in her palms as she tried to deepen the kiss even more; Beca releasing a small whimper at the feeling, her hand that had been cradling Chloe’s cheek coming to rest just over Chloe’s heart.</p><p>The sound of catcalls and loud laughter broke them apart, but neither paid any attention to them besides that. Only a few inches separated them now, and Beca allowed herself to get lost in the brilliant blue that was closer than she’d ever imagined it would ever again be.</p><p>They were both breathing harder than normal; Beca could feel Chloe’s heart still beating wildly in her chest under the hand that still rested on her soft skin. She could feel her own beating just as fast.</p><p>She didn’t know exactly what Chloe saw on her face; if she did see anything at all or if she reached a certain place in her head all on her own. Whatever it was it had Chloe untangling their bodies only to reach for her hand, pulling her to her feet.</p><p>Chloe didn’t let her go as she guided them through the backyard and then through the house; they climbed the stairs, Beca paying only enough attention to not trip. Aside from that she was entirely focused on Chloe; Chloe that led her to a bedroom door before opening it and pulling them inside.</p><p>The same moment Beca heard the key turn in the lock she was pressed against the hard, wooden surface; Chloe’s lips claiming her own with an intensity that had another whimper falling from her lips, muffled by the mouth devouring her own.</p><p>Hands started roaming over clothes and touching everywhere they could reach, bodies pressed impossibly close together, ragged breaths filling the darkness of yet another foreign room. Beca could feel the temperature of her body rising as her hands slid up Chloe’s back before gripping the fabric tightly.</p><p>Chloe’s mouth was unrelenting against her own, alternating between deep, heart-stopping kisses and sucking her lips between her own; both making Beca increasingly lightheaded. The moment Chloe bit down gently on her bottom lip Beca tore her mouth away, breath ragged as she rested her head back against the door.</p><p>Chloe was breathing just as hard as she opened her eyes, locking their gazes together. Beca couldn’t look away from the turbulent, dark oceans radiating desire and need so blatantly that they took her breath away all over again; the desire already cursing through her body pooling even quicker between her legs at the sight.</p><p>“Beca”, Chloe breathed, her hands gripping tighter at her hips as if on their own.</p><p>Everything felt so familiar to Beca; her touch, her voice, the way she was looking at her –the intensity her gaze carried pinning her down…her mere presence in the same space as her. Everything that Chloe was, pulling her under; into a world where only the two of them and nothing and nobody else existed.</p><p>It was like coming home, having that feeling in her life again. She wanted to soak in that sense of belonging for as long as she could.</p><p>It felt too good, too right, to deny it. She didn’t want to.</p><p>She wasn’t afraid to want what she wanted anymore.</p><p>She knew they would only ever have tonight. It was honestly infinitely more than she’d thought Chloe would ever give her after everything. It was enough.</p><p>(She blocked out a new, small voice in her head that was claiming otherwise)</p><p>It was Beca who brought their lips back together. It was now her that was kissing Chloe with everything she got; pouring all her feelings and thoughts and emotions –her heart and soul- into it. Trying to show her, to make her understand.</p><p>Beca pushed herself off the door, guiding them both further into the room; her hands traveling with more purpose as they approached the bed.</p><p>She pulled at articles of clothing, unbuttoning and unzipping where necessary, getting rid of everything that wasn’t bare skin before pushing Chloe down gently to sit at the edge of the bed.</p><p>Their lips disconnected as Chloe immediately scooted backwards until she reached the headboard. The second her head hit the pillows Beca was right there, hovering over her and leaning her head down; catching her lips with her own once more.</p><p>There was still passion in the movements of their mouths; there was still desire and need. Beca could feel the intensity of the moment scorching her being to her very bones, her heart ready to jump out of her chest. The desperation and urgency were gone, however; replaced by tenderness. The atmosphere around them still cracking with electricity, but it was somehow softer now; Beca could feel it as Chloe wrapped her arms around her back and pulled her down, their bodies flash against each other.</p><p>The moment it happened a small whimper fell from Chloe’s lips and right into Beca’s mouth; Beca who was suddenly overcome with an overwhelming need to feel even more of Chloe, to hear more of those fascinating little sounds.</p><p>To take care of her; show her rather than tell her everything Beca herself felt.</p><p>She needed to know Chloe was lost in her as well.</p><p>It was that desire that had her lips disconnecting from Chloe’s and trailing down her jaw and the column of her neck, briefly sucking at her pulse point and pulling a quiet moan from Chloe before moving again; her tongue tracing her collarbones as her hands glided up her sides until they were cupping her breasts.</p><p>Chloe’s back arched below her, pushing her soft flesh into Beca’s hands even more; she could feel pebbled nipples against her palms and her own moan reverberated against Chloe’s skin where her lips remained pressed against it.</p><p>Chloe’s hands tangled in her hair, gripping it tightly, as Beca’s mouth descended upon a hard peak; sucking insistently before tugging at it gently with her teeth, her tongue soothing it immediately after.</p><p>It was at that moment that something seemed to snap inside Chloe, for the next second Beca found herself on her back; Chloe’s lips on her neck as she straddled her right thigh, grinding on it.</p><p>Beca couldn’t help the loud moan that escaped her as she felt the heat between Chloe’s legs against her body, warm wetness coating her skin. Chloe’s answering whine was followed right after by her right hand gliding over Beca’s body purposefully; it kept going, forgoing any teasing, until it was sliding easily between Beca’s legs. She was impossibly wet by now.</p><p>A shiver ran down Beca’s spine, her voice caught in her throat, as Chloe’s fingers started rubbing firmly against her clit, picking up the pace almost instantly. Her neck stretched on the pillow, muscles straining, her hands trying to find a spot on Chloe’s back to hold on to. It was almost too much.</p><p>Almost.</p><p>“God, Bec”, Chloe exhaled, her breath ghosting over her overheated skin and making her quiver, “you’re so swollen”.</p><p>Beca knew that, she could feel it; how sensitive her clit was, straining under Chloe’s touch. One of her hands shot up to grab the headboard in an attempt to ground herself somehow as she panted, a choked moan coaxed out of her as Chloe’s fingers pressed down harder, her fast pace unchanging.</p><p>Beca couldn’t believe, incoherent sounds now falling from her lips constantly, how fast she was being pushed towards climax; she could already feel it building inside her as she got even wetter.</p><p>Chloe must have sensed it because next thing Beca knew her fingers were gliding downwards, coating in her wetness even more; two fingers sliding gently inside her a moment later. She felt them reach as deep as they could, Chloe’s palm pressed firmly against her, and then curl as they retreated slowly; being pulled almost all the way out before pushing back in.</p><p>“Fucking hell”, she thought she heard, the blood rushing in her ears too loud to be sure. “You feel so good, baby”, Chloe whined then, louder this time.</p><p>Beca wanted to respond, to return the sentiment because it was the absolute truth; she was almost aching by how good it felt. Chloe picking up her pace, driving her fingers inside her faster and harder and curling them every single time, her palm making contact with her clit with each push, didn’t allow her to.</p><p>She could only moan loudly, curses and incoherent words all that her brain could come up with. She was flying, it felt like; completely weightless as Chloe pulled her higher and higher, reaching heights that any other time would maybe seem dangerous, daunting.</p><p>But not this time.</p><p>She wasn’t afraid anymore.</p><p>How could she be when she was held securely against Chloe; when it was Chloe who was offering her all this pleasure?</p><p>Chloe was comfort and care and safety.</p><p>So Beca wasn’t afraid to fall.</p><p>And she did, just a moment later; unable to hold off anymore. She cried out brokenly as her climax crushed over her in enormous waves that seemed endless, her entire body convulsing and shaking, her walls clenching tightly around Chloe’s fingers and trapping them in place.</p><p>She couldn’t tell how long her orgasm lasted; it seemed to have gone on forever before she started coming down, her body relaxing and sagging into the bed, her limbs heavy. The aftershocks had small whimpers escaping her lips every few seconds, replaced by a soft whine when she felt Chloe slowly pulling out.</p><p>Her movement was oh so gentle and caring that Beca’s eyes were forced open, at once locking onto Chloe’s who apparently had already been staring at her. Beca’s body moved involuntarily then, trying to get more comfortable, but the small movement was all it took for her thigh to rub against Chloe’s center.</p><p>Beca watched her inhale sharply, her eyes sparkling with renewed intensity. So she pushed up with purpose, watching in absolute fascination as Chloe’s eyes squeezed shut, the breath she’d been holding coming out soundly in a long, shaky exhale.</p><p>Beca could feel against her skin how desperate for her own release Chloe was; she could feel the wetness on her thigh trickling down, surely dripping on the sheets.</p><p>She wanted to get Chloe there; she knew it wouldn’t take long.</p><p>So despite the warm tiredness that encompassed her she started moving her hips, pressing her thigh against Chloe again and again; her hands landing on Chloe’s hips as she started grinding down on her thigh, helping guide her movements as they turned increasingly jerky and out of rhythm with each passing second.</p><p>Chloe leaned forward, burying her face at the side of Beca’s neck, her mouth right by her ear. Her breathy, desperate sounds urged Beca to press upwards even harder while simultaneously pushing Chloe’s hips down; feeling her clit sliding back and forth over her skin.</p><p>Chloe’s hands grabbed her shoulders, nails digging into the skin hard enough to leave marks, as her body tensed above her; the long, loud cry that followed making her shiver in reaction.</p><p>Beca kept rubbing her thigh against Chloe, just enough to guide her through her orgasm, as her arms wrapped around her back; pulling her firmly, securely against her.</p><p>And as she felt Chloe’s aftershocks against her body, the non-existent space between them making them feel almost as if they were coming from her, Beca wished that morning never came.</p><p>That she could remain lost in this beautiful, wild dream forever.</p>
<hr/><p>Beca felt a sense of déjà vu washing over her as she walked along the pier. It was just before dawn, the sky turning lighter with every minute that passed. Her eyes drifted in the direction of the sea, watching the waves race each other to the shore as she kept walking.</p><p>There had been a note on the empty pillow beside her when she’d woken up some half hour earlier. A note that was beckoning her to the same spot, the same bench, as last time. It was another weekend morning, after a night she’d shared with Chloe, and she was heading to the same place as one week prior.</p><p>It all felt eerily familiar; the only difference this time around being that the roles had been reversed. It was her now that headed towards the unknown, not knowing what she’d find and what would happen when she’d reach her destination.</p><p>Beca realized she was close and she pulled her attention away from the sea, her gaze focusing ahead of her and searching for Chloe.</p><p>She found her immediately; back turned to her as she sat on the bench, fiery red curls swaying softly at the light breeze.</p><p>A hundred different thoughts were running rampantly in Beca’s slightly hangover mind. She had no idea what was in Chloe’s head, was the problem. She had so many worrisome questions, the most prevalent one being…Had Chloe regretted it? Is that why she’d left?</p><p>Taking a deep breath as she reached the back of the bench, Beca circled it quietly before sitting down carefully beside Chloe; keeping a few inches of distance between them.</p><p>Chloe turned her head towards her, their eyes meeting. Beca watched relieved as a small, genuine smile spread on her lips and she smiled back, her own colored with just a hint of apprehension that still lingered.</p><p>“This is a very peaceful spot indeed. Perfect for putting your thoughts in order. You were right”, Chloe offered softly, still smiling, before she shifted her attention back to the sea and inhaled deeply in obvious contentment.</p><p>Beca observed her for a long moment. She seemed fine with what had transpired between them the night before. She still should have wanted for them to discuss something; why else would she have summoned Beca there at the crack of dawn?</p><p>She tried to think of something to say but Chloe beat her to it.</p><p>“I was so angry at you after last Saturday; because you did push me away”, she began quietly. Beca’s heart clenched a little at her words.</p><p>“I was angry”, Chloe continued, “but mostly…mostly I was just hurt; so much. This week was incredibly hard. First our fight, and then everything that was happening to you at school…”</p><p>Chloe turned her head once more, meeting Beca’s gaze that hadn’t left her face for a single second.</p><p>“My brain and my heart were pulling me in two completely opposite directions. But I woke up this morning and as I watched you breathe peacefully in your sleep something…just clicked. Something fell into place and my head was finally in agreement with my heart; at peace”.</p><p>Beca felt a pang pierce at her heart; what Chloe was saying wasn’t anything bad, on the contrary. And yet something in her tone, in her demeanor…</p><p>“I watched you as you lay there and everything that happened last night came to mind, in perfect clarity. And I realized…”, Chloe trailed off, eyes caressing Beca’s face gently, “I realized that was exactly what I had needed to be able to move on. A moment, one of our moments, to remind me to hold on to everything good I ever felt and let go of the bad and the hurtful”.</p><p>Beca didn’t know what to say. Chloe was saying goodbye; for good this time, it felt like. She was walking away again, and there was such a strong sense of finality to the current moment that every possible word she could reply with seemed to have flown away from her mind.</p><p>“Last night offered me the closure I needed”, Chloe continued, her smile never faltering. “This is for the best, for both of us. It’s what we need, and I didn’t want to see it when you said it but I see it now. I understand”.</p><p>Beca wanted to disagree; to tell her that even though she had said it, it wasn’t true. At least not for her.</p><p>Not anymore.</p><p>But how could she say that? How could she when she was seeing how content Chloe was?</p><p>How could she when the decision to let go seemed to be the best for Chloe; what she needed and what she wanted?</p><p>Beca felt her eyes welling up as those mesmerizing blues she adored kept staring at her.</p><p>No, she wouldn’t ruin this moment. Chloe deserved to have what she wanted, to be allowed to move on.</p><p>This was the end. She wouldn’t say anything; it was too late, and that was okay.</p><p>She would always choose to do what was best for Chloe.</p><p>There was one thing she needed to make sure of, though. Her heart was screaming at her to, and she found herself not strong enough to ignore it.</p><p>“I want you to remember me”, she all but whispered, her voice smaller than ever before. “Not the bad stuff and all the ways I fucked up, just…just me. Say you’ll remember me”.</p><p>She watched Chloe’s smile turn even more tender; all of Chloe’s care, that somehow had survived the warzone Beca had turned the thing between them into, shining in her eyes and washing over Beca.</p><p>“I wouldn’t know how to forget you”, Chloe offered, voice barely louder than hers had been. The phantom caress of her eyes as they glided over Beca’s features remained for a moment longer before she nodded once -mostly to herself it felt like- and stood up.</p><p>Beca watched her walking away, almost ethereal as the first rays of the morning sun bathed her in their warm light.</p><p>She kept watching as the distance between them grew with each step Chloe took, never to close again.</p><p>And as she was left with only the sea for company, the thing that had always offered her comfort and safety, the thing she had loved so thoroughly for the longest time…she realized she had never felt less at home beside it.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>And that's a wrap on chapter six! Quite a lot has happened, hasn't it? Well, there's definitely more to come! Next chapter will be posted tomorrow (again, if no natural disasters occur in the meantime), so keep an eye out. [would you look at that? no natural disasters and next chapter posted right on schedule!]<br/>Thank you for reading and see you in the next one!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>"I, I loved you in spite of<br/>Deep fears that the world would divide us<br/>So, baby, can we dance<br/>Oh, through an avalanche?<br/>And say, say that we got it<br/>I'm a mess, but I'm the mess that you wanted<br/>Oh, 'cause it's gravity<br/>Oh, keeping you with me [...]<br/>I'd kiss you as the lights went out<br/>Swaying as the room burned down<br/>I'd hold you as the water rushes in<br/>If I could dance with you again"<br/>-Dancing With Our Hands Tied (Reputation), Taylor Swift</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Chapter serving as entry for the Taylor Swift x Bechloe challenge on tumblr (day 6), based on and drawing inspiration from the song mentioned above.<br/>Alright, so this chapter didn't cause me any extreme hardships during the writing process, unlike some of the previous ones. However, there are some parts that were emotionally very difficult to write, and is especially for those that it has a special place in my heart, so I hope you enjoy it!<br/>And now, on with the story!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was a couple of hours later, sun now high up in the sky and sea sparkling under its surprisingly but pleasantly bright for the time of year rays, when Beca took the way back to her house.</p><p>There was a calmness encompassing her, but it didn’t feel exactly peaceful. It was laced with a hint of sadness, a hint of something bittersweet and melancholic.</p><p>She had come to terms with what had happened.</p><p>(She had. It was done, it was what Chloe wanted. It was over, and that was okay)</p><p>And yet, her heart didn’t feel exactly right in her chest; not heavy but not light either, just a weird sensation the still lingering in the back of her mind what ifs were causing.</p><p>She knew she needed to keep moving forward –literally and also metaphorically- but she couldn’t help but feel as if someone had pressed the pause button and she was now stuck; frozen in mid-step, restricted to only observe her own life from a distance from now on.</p><p>That was it; since she had been left alone on that bench nothing felt entirely real anymore.</p><p>And she knew that no matter how much she didn’t like that feeling or how much she wanted to snap out of it, there was nothing she could do about it. It ran so deep, blanketing her so thoroughly, that she wouldn’t have any idea where to even start.</p><p>And honestly, it was rather comforting that her heart had chosen this to settle on; she preferred it from the longing, the desperation, or the pain she was very aware she could be experiencing instead.</p><p>Yes, it could be so much –infinitely- worse.</p><p>So she would let her current state be.</p><p>Nodding resolutely to herself a few times –like a crazy person, dear god- she unlocked her front door and entered into the spacious living room. Her feet carried her towards the staircase and she’d climbed four steps before her mum’s appearance from the kitchen halted her in her tracks.</p><p>Judging from her expression, she wasn’t particularly pleased.</p><p>“Beca, honey, if you’re not going to return home all night you could at least send me a text letting me know”.</p><p>She could see she wasn’t mad, not really; she had just been worried. Beca understood that perfectly –that’s what mums do after all- and she felt just a little bit bad.</p><p>“I’m sorry, mum, didn’t cross my mind but it should have. Won’t happen again”, she assured, and watched her mum nod in agreement.</p><p>Glad the whole thing had been sorted out as easily as it had she turned towards the stairs, continuing her ascent and eager to reach the quiet of her room sooner rather than later.</p><p>“Oh, I almost forgot!”</p><p>Her mum’s exclamation had her going down one step and looking at her questioningly.</p><p>“Your father called. He won’t be coming by today after all”.</p><p>“What? Why?”</p><p>“Something with his work…He had to head home, but he said he’ll be back next weekend”.</p><p>Beca stared at her incredulously for a second before running her hand down her face, a frustrated sound escaping her.</p><p>“Honey, he will be here”, her mum reassured. Of course, that wasn’t the problem.</p><p>“Oh I know, trust me”.</p><p>“Then what’s the issue?”</p><p>“I just…” Beca huffed in irritation. “I would have just liked to have this conversation today, not in a week! That’s at least six more days!”</p><p>Her mum eyed her curiously.</p><p>“I wouldn’t have thought you’d be so impatient with this; it actually seemed like you’d much prefer it never happened!”</p><p>“Obviously, but it’s happening no matter what; might as well have gotten it done and over with but why would I ever be so lucky?”</p><p>The look of understanding and sympathy on her mum’s face intensified her urge to get to her room.</p><p>She didn’t need it. She’d made her own bed and she’d lie in it.</p><p>She was tired of people feeling sorry for her; seeing her as weak and in need of protection or reassurance or anything like that.</p><p>If they kept telling her so, she would believe them; and she couldn’t afford that.</p><p>She needed everyone to leave her alone. To just…to just stop.</p><p>(Like Chloe. Chloe had stopped, and everyone else had to as well)</p><p>So Beca didn’t allow her the time to respond; she hurried up the rest of the staircase, keeping up her fast pace until the door of her room shut securely behind her. Still holding the handle she rested her back against it for a moment, closing her eyes and inhaling deeply.</p><p>It would be okay. She had homework –a bunch of it- and her mixes to occupy the rest of her day. Music was her safe space and it always managed to push every other thought out of her mind, distracting and soothing her. She had her music.</p><p>It would be okay.</p>
<hr/><p>The light from the street lamp across the road was being filtered into her room through the window blinds, the dimness of it still managing to break what would otherwise be absolute darkness and create long shadows across her walls.</p><p>Beca had kept tossing and turning under the covers for who knows how long after she’d supposedly gone to bed; it felt hours at that point. Turning her head to the side she glanced at the clock on her night stand, the bright red numbers glaring up at her.</p><p>She’d been trying to fall asleep for the past two hours with zero success; if anything, she felt significantly more awake now than when she’d decided to turn in. Frustrated and annoyed, she threw the comforter off her body and covered her eyes with the back of her hand.</p><p>The day had gone by fine.</p><p>She had been careful, occupying herself at all moments with one activity or the other; making sure her emotions were kept at bay. She hadn’t lowered her guard the entire day and it had paid off.</p><p>She’d felt…okay.</p><p>It had lulled her into a false sense of security how successful her attempts at distracting herself had been. She had allowed her mind to relax, to stay unoccupied, as she’d climbed into her bed earlier.</p><p>She shouldn’t have; she knew that now as she tried to control her breathing, her eyes squeezed shut under her hand. The fingers of that hand clenched tightly, nails digging into her palm, as she released a long, controlled exhale.</p><p>The minutes ticked by as she kept trying to relax, to turn her mind off and just go to sleep. It was useless; because as much as she was engulfed in darkness behind her closed eyelids, so was she in memories.</p><p>They kept flashing through her mind, their jagged edges sending painful pangs through her heart time and time again.</p><p>She could remember everything, in perfect clarity. All the conversations and all the quiet moments; every moment that had her heart fluttering inside her chest, every touch, every lingering glance…</p><p>She could feel every single thing as strongly as if she was experiencing it again right then, in the quiet of her bedroom, the images cruelly taunting her in their vividness.</p><p>So many colors, almost blinding in their brightness, and yet the one she couldn’t escape no matter how much she tried was that specific shade of the clearest icy blue; a bottomless ocean of warmth and care and love.</p><p>She kept picturing it; she knew it so well after all. Every second it stayed on her mind her heart beat even more painfully inside her chest.</p><p>And she was so pathetic, so lost, that she wasn’t even trying to get rid of it, not really. No matter how much it hurt and how pointless it was lingering on it –it was gone; it was done- she kept clinging desperately onto it as if keeping the exact memory of it alive would fucking change anything.</p><p>Beca felt her eyes start stinging with unshed tears and she shook her head in denial; they wouldn’t fall, they weren’t even there, she had everything under control.</p><p>So many mistakes, so many fuck ups. She’d gotten all she’d ever wanted and she’d allowed it to slip through her grasp.</p><p>No, not even that. She’d thrown it away. Discarded such a precious, beautiful thing as if it was nothing; forgetting that if you tossed something so delicate and fragile so carelessly to the ground, it would shatter into a million tiny pieces.</p><p>Damage like that couldn’t be fixed.</p><p>No matter how much she’d wanted to, no matter her realization the previous night.</p><p>She wanted Chloe. Chloe didn’t want her anymore. She’d already moved on and left her behind. Just like Beca herself had claimed she wanted.</p><p>Hot tears started trickling down her cheeks, her lips quivering. The hand that wasn’t resting on her face gripped the sheets tightly, trying to anchor herself back to the present, back to her bed in her room.</p><p>She needed to rid herself of all the painful memories and the scorching heat of regret that was coursing through her veins like poison, suffocating her.</p><p>Her mind was having none of it; choosing to return to the events of the night before instead. The party. The jackasses. Her jumbled thoughts.</p><p>And then Chloe.</p><p>Approaching her. Talking to her, while crying because of how much she still cared.</p><p>How much she still cared about her.</p><p>The kiss. And then-</p><p>A choked sob escaped Beca’s mouth at the next series of images in her head. Every feeling, every touch, every sound…she could see it all, she could feel everything as if it was happening right at that moment all over again.</p><p>She’d known it would only be for one night. Things had already been too broken between them to fix.</p><p>But she’d also let go; allowed herself to want everything, to want it back. To feel as though she might deserve it.</p><p>It was irrelevant anyway. Chloe had walked away for good.</p><p>Just when Beca had made peace with how much she needed and wanted her. How much she loved her.</p><p>She’d stopped fighting, pushing Chloe away, too late.</p><p>She’d been too late.</p><p>Beca released the sheets from her grasp, her hand coming to rest on her stomach. Her brain kept replaying the events of the night before on a loop and despite everything else she was currently feeling –or because of it perhaps- her body was starting to react to the onslaught of the oh so vivid images.</p><p>The hand that was lying on her stomach trailed downwards, slipping under both her bottoms and her underwear. Beca bit her bottom lip as her fingers were met with wetness, her back arching at the first touch of her fingers against her sensitive flesh.</p><p>The tears that were now streaming down her face had soaked through her pillow; she felt how damp the fabric had become as she turned her head to the side, burying as much of her face as she could in it and biting down.</p><p>It didn’t take long for her climax to wash over her; a short, blissful moment during which her brain had shut off and all that remained were the painful, loud beats of her heart.</p><p>And the tears. The tears that kept trickling down her face and onto her pillow even after she’d come down and reopened her eyes to stare briefly at the ceiling; after she’d turned to the side and curled in on herself; after she’d shut her eyes once more and sleep started to claim her at long last.</p><p>She was drifting off, and yet Chloe’s image insisted on lingering in the forefront of her mind; how were the tears to –ever- stop?</p>
<hr/><p>“Beca, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have acted like I did last week, not in your school and not after what had happened that day. Your reaction to my behavior, although not right, was justified. So I’m sorry, honey”.</p><p>Her dad was staring at her from his spot on one of the living room armchairs, face somber and posture calm, and all Beca could do was stare back dumbfounded.</p><p>Her week had been…it had been okay, honestly. Not the best five days she’d ever had, but it had been normal for the most part.</p><p>Yes, someone had tripped her again on Tuesday as she’d been walking down a school corridor; but only a few people had laughed. Yes, the guys who had pulled that stupid stunt with the basketball kept throwing dumb one liners at her –that were supposed to be insulting and demeaning and so incredibly smart- but no one else had followed on their footsteps.</p><p>And yes, okay, she’d been aware of the hushed conversations, sniggers, and inquisitive looks that kept following her around, but every day that passed it had seemed to happen less and less; only three times on Friday.</p><p>So all things considered, it had been an okay week. The days had rolled by easily enough.</p><p>Even though she’d run into Chloe every single one of them; well, maybe not run into –they hadn’t talked once- but they’d crossed paths. Half of those times Beca had been the only one of the two to spot the other; discreetly watching Chloe from a distance, getting lost in her bright smile, or the way her fiery curls bounced against her shoulders, or the musical sound of her laughter.</p><p>Allowing herself only a few seconds of lingering attention before moving away again; attention she had been careful to never focus on her eyes. That would have been extremely ill-advised.</p><p>(It wasn’t like they ever left her mind anyway)</p><p>The rest of the times, Chloe had spotted her as well; and it was in those instances Beca had had the greatest trouble avoiding drowning in those brilliant blues. She’d managed it, but only barely. Because Chloe had smiled at her every single one of those times, usually accompanying the –always soft- smile with a small nod of acknowledgement.</p><p>Her eyes had always sparkled just a tad more brightly when she smiled; Beca had known this but she’d never been more aware of that fact than that past week.</p><p>Still, and despite Chloe’s –constant, it felt like- presence around her, she’d made it; the days had gone by fine, each one a little easier than the last.</p><p>The nights had been a different story…But she tried not to think about those hours during the day.</p><p>The point was, despite everything going on in her life she hadn’t been experiencing a living hell outside of her room. So naturally, she’d expected her conversation with her dad to make up for it; that’s how her luck worked. It would be just the two of them –her mum opting to give them some time and space to work things out more comfortably- and that had been a bad omen in and of itself before he had even arrived.</p><p>And yet, miraculously, his opening words had been an admittance of his own mistakes and an apology. She couldn’t believe it.</p><p>“Um…thanks, dad”, she uttered awkwardly.</p><p>“I mean”, he continued, “I had a lot of time to think about it. I don’t know how I would have reacted if someone had accused me of something similar, but probably in a very similar manner as you, if not much worse. So I couldn’t stay mad at you, not really”, he explained nonchalantly, as if what he’d said was the most obvious thing in the world.</p><p>It wasn’t. It didn’t even make sense.</p><p>“Accused of someth- What are you talking about?” Beca questioned, genuinely confused.</p><p>“I accused you of being…of liking girls, honey. It was perfectly normal for you to get upset, to refuse to talk or answer me. You took offense, and I understand it now”.</p><p>A disbelieving chuckle escaped Beca at his words, completely involuntarily. The situation was anything but amusing really, but she had the sudden desire to burst into laughter.</p><p>Because of course that’s the conclusion her dad had reached. Once again and like so many times –every time- in the past, he’d thought things through by himself and reached his own conclusion; the one that suited him the most, that was the most comfortable and easy to accept.</p><p>Once he’d reached that conclusion, it had automatically become the truth for him; he’d become completely and utterly convinced. If it made sense to him, it was the truth.</p><p>Because there was no way the truth would be anything remotely uncomfortable or unsuitable to what he wanted, of course not. How could it?</p><p>How could anyone have thoughts and opinions or make choices that differed from what he believed in?</p><p>Fucking of course.</p><p>It would maybe suit her to go along with it, take the opportunity she’d been given so generously to avoid everything, to keep pretending, and run with it.</p><p>“I didn’t take offense, dad”.</p><p>“Honey, I’m not blaming you! I completely understand, that’s why I apologized!”</p><p>“You don’t understand anything, and I don’t even know if you care to!” Beca exclaimed, voice rising.</p><p>“Beca”, her dad warned, and she ran a hand through her hair in frustration while inhaling deeply.</p><p>“Okay”, she said with forced calm, trying to rein back her temper, “okay. But really, I didn’t take offense. That wasn’t the issue, like at all”.</p><p>“What was the issue then?”</p><p>Beca studied her dad’s expression for a few seconds, contemplating her answer. He seemed genuinely curious and slightly confused; like he couldn’t even imagine any different scenario.</p><p>“The issue was that you were furious about the possibility of me…Of what the principal said being true. It was you asking a question and demanding a specific answer, dad”.</p><p>“I wouldn’t say furious, but what your principal said did upset me. I’ve known you my whole life, Beca, you’re my daughter. For somebody to say so confidently something like this about you, something I-”</p><p>“Something like this? Something so terrible, so unacceptable, you mean?” Beca huffed, her temper flaring up again. “Yeah, it would be horrible for me to like girls, how could someone insult me like that?”</p><p>“Watch your tone, Beca. But yes, it would be…behaviors like that are not normal, and you’re not like the people who make those kinds of choices. You have a good family and a good home…you’re smarter than that. Anyway”, her dad waved his hand dismissively, “I don’t know why we keep discussing this topic; I know it’s not true, I know you. So everything’s fine”, he concluded, leaning back and getting more comfortable in his seat.</p><p>A few seconds of deafening silence followed.</p><p>“No, everything’s not fine, dad. The fact that you’ve decided that is irrelevant; you don’t get to decide what the truth is, or what is normal, or who I am and what I want”, Beca stated resolutely, voice calm.</p><p>The words had left her mouth before she could stop them. She knew that she was heading down a road of no return; if she told the truth, got everything out in the open, nothing between them would be the same ever again.</p><p>She still had the option to stop; go along with him and what he believed the truth to be, not say anything and keep their relationship intact.</p><p>She loved her dad. Despite everything, she really did. She wanted him in her life.</p><p>But what she wanted the most was him in the life she would make for herself, the one where she would actually be herself. She wanted him to want to be a part of <strong>that</strong> life.</p><p>She was tired of feeling like she couldn’t have that; like she had to choose. She shouldn’t have to choose.</p><p>She was tired of avoiding, of running and cowering away, of hiding. She’d been doing exactly that and it had cost her so fucking much.</p><p>No. She couldn’t handle keeping all that up, she couldn’t-</p><p>She was done.</p><p>“Of course you make your own choices, Beca, it’s your life. I have complete trust in you”.</p><p>“No, you don’t”, she objected immediately. “The only reason you say that is because you think that whatever it is you want for me I want for myself too. The only reason you say you trust me is because so far I have never done anything that goes against what you believe is the right thing”.</p><p>“Beca, I trust you because I know you”, her dad explained simply.</p><p>Like that was the ultimate answer, the most obvious thing in the world.</p><p>It wasn’t even true.</p><p>“You know me? That’s what you think?” Beca questioned incredulously, not waiting for an answer before continuing. “You don’t know me, dad, and you don’t care to; otherwise you wouldn’t have come here having made up your mind already about something that concerns <strong>me</strong>, something that you can’t decide for yourself because it’s not about<strong> you</strong>! But that didn’t stop you, it <strong>never does</strong>!”</p><p>“Beca, calm down; there’s no reason for you-”</p><p>“There’s a <strong>very</strong> good reason!”, Beca exclaimed, throwing her arms in the air in exasperation. “You come here and instead of listening to what I have to say about my own self, <strong>you</strong> tell <strong>me</strong> what I- You can’t just assume who I am without asking me, dad! You can’t just do that!”</p><p>“Beca, who you are you’ve been your whole life! I’ve known you for all seventeen years of it; I know you!”</p><p>“Right, right… So me liking girls shouldn’t come as a surprise, then. You knew it already, right dad? Since you know me so freaking well and all”.</p><p>She hadn’t shouted, not at all; and yet her words kept reverberating on the inside of her skull so loudly she almost winced. The weight of her dad’s gaze on her was almost too much as he stared at her, seemingly frozen to the spot in shock.</p><p>Almost.</p><p>She didn’t look away in the time it took for him to process her words.</p><p>“What are you talking about?”, he finally managed to question, voice low.</p><p>“I like girls”, Beca repeated, highlighting every word. “Which is such an utter disappointment and a complete disgrace; disgusting, right? But it’s the truth”.</p><p>“Beca, this isn’t funny”.</p><p>“Oh, I know”, she shot back bitterly. “You thinking those things about me, just because of who I am and who I love is the exact opposite of funny”.</p><p>“Who you love? Did some girl convince you of this nonsense, manipulate you into believing this is something you are?”</p><p>“Oh my God! Do you even hear yourself?!”</p><p>The absurdity of what he’d just said had her unable to keep even remotely calm anymore.</p><p>“It doesn’t work like that, dad! You don’t get convinced or manipulated or tricked into liking a whole ass gender! The fact that I love a girl is because I like girls, not the other way around! I wasn’t hypnotized or converted or anything ridiculous like that!”</p><p>“Honey…” Beca hated how condescending he sounded and looked just then; like he was dealing with a petulant child saying the most absurd things and he was trying not to be amused by it. “You’re still in high school, still a teenager. You don’t know what love means yet, that will take many more years and experiences. Trust me”.</p><p>“I don’t know what-”</p><p>Beca cut herself off, stunned for a second by what she’d just heard. After everything that had happened in the past, he had the nerve to-</p><p>She shot up from her seat on the couch, a finger pointed at her dad accusingly.</p><p>“Don’t talk to me like I don’t know a thing about love and <strong>you</strong> do! You got up and moved away, you left! And before even that; you stopped fighting years ago, you stopped putting <strong>effort</strong> in! Drinking and blaming everybody but yourself for all the shitty choices you made, making it even clearer with each tumbler you drank and each day that passed like that how much you <strong>didn’t</strong> care about mum; or me! Your only concern was what you wanted, what made you feel good, and you pushed us away without a second <strong>thought</strong>!”</p><p>“Beca, we’ve discussed all this before and I’ve admitted my mistakes. All that has nothing to do with-“</p><p>“Of <strong>course</strong> it has! Because you keep pretending you know what love is and I don’t! Love is caring enough to <strong>not</strong> let go when things get tough! Love is you being willing to find a way, to make it work, no matter how <strong>hard</strong> it may be! You <strong>don’t</strong> stop <strong>fighting</strong>, dad! You don’t give up, you don’t-”</p><p>Beca stopped talking abruptly the second she registered fully what she was saying; her mind spinning so wildly with realization she almost felt dizzy.</p><p>For a short moment it felt like all time had stopped.</p><p>She could hear her dad calling out to her as she dashed from the living room, but she didn’t pay him any mind. That conversation was over anyway. What mattered now, as she exited the house and rushed down the road, was to get to Chloe’s house as soon as possible.</p><p>Because she loved Chloe; and loving someone meant you don’t give up, at least not without a fight. You don’t just let them slip away.</p><p>Chloe had walked away for good last week, she’d said goodbye, and Beca had basically done nothing to stop her. She’d barely said a few words.</p><p>She’d never told Chloe how she really felt; how much Chloe meant to her. Even if nothing came out of it, she had to at least try. How could she not?</p><p>When you love someone, you let them know. Beca had to tell her.</p><p>Her steps echoed loudly in her ears as she kept walking, pace unchanging. Her heart was beating out of her chest and she gulped as she realized how dry her throat had become.</p><p>Chloe had made a choice and Beca had let her without putting up any resistance at all; she’d sat idly by as Chloe walked away. Even after she’d realized what she wanted, after she’d allowed herself to want it, she’d still done nothing. Chloe had made a choice, and she…</p><p>Beca was about to turn the last corner before Chloe’s house would come into view, just a couple hundred feet away; despite being so close to the destination she’d been desperate to reach a few seconds earlier her feet started slowing down, coming to a halt a moment later.</p><p>She stood right there in the middle of the road, eyes glued to the grey asphalt just ahead from her. The same one thought running through her mind on an endless, devastating loop.</p><p>Chloe had made a choice. A well thought out, calm, rational choice. She’d been peaceful, she’d been content and satisfied completely with that choice; Beca could remember clear as day her posture, her expression, her eyes…</p><p>Chloe had been happy. She’d seemed as if a weight had been lifted off her shoulders with her decision to walk away; to move on.</p><p>Beca raised a shaky hand, running it slowly through her hair before gripping the strands at the back of her head tightly. A sick feeling had settled in the pit of her stomach, a weird numbness spreading swiftly through her entire body.</p><p>Chloe was happy; after everything that Beca had put her through, all the pain she’d caused her, Chloe was finally happy again.</p><p>Her choice had made her happy.</p><p>Beca knew what she wanted for herself. But what she wanted above all else was for Chloe to be happy. There wasn’t a person that deserved it more.</p><p>Beca couldn’t ruin that.</p><p>She wouldn’t.</p><p>Her arm fell limply by her side as she turned around slowly, mechanically, and started walking again; in the opposite direction this time. Heading home.</p><p>Home…</p><p>A little voice inside her head kept insisting that she’d used the word wrong, that the way she was going wouldn’t lead her there.</p><p>It accompanied her as she kept walking; all the way to her house, up to her room and under the bed covers she pulled over her head.</p>
<hr/><p>two weeks later</p>
<hr/><p>The chilly afternoon air had Beca instinctively wrapping her coat tighter around her frame as she exited the school building. She’d stayed longer at school in order to use some of the equipment in the music room for a mix that had proven to be rather challenging to figure out. It wasn’t like anyone was expecting her at home early anyway; her mum would be away on a business trip until Sunday evening.</p><p>Beca hoisted her bag a bit higher on her shoulder as she kept walking, her mind still filled with music arrangements and tricky beats she knew could work great together if only she could figure the exact right way. She liked the challenge, though; she appreciated how it kept her mind occupied so thoroughly.</p><p>Because without those thoughts swirling around in her head, different thoughts tended to make an appearance. Thoughts that remained as vivid –and as hurtful- as they had been nineteen days go.</p><p>(No, she wasn’t counting. She just happened to have a very good memory for…numbers)</p><p>She didn’t want to be having these thoughts if she could avoid them; definitely not during the day. The nights had been difficult enough, and they still were. But the days had become increasingly better, if only due to the fact she’d gotten better at effectively distracting herself.</p><p>So yeah, she liked that she had this mix to deal with, and very grateful the music teacher was cool enough to allow her to stay in the music room alone after school hours were done and to trust her to lock up before she left.</p><p>Beca froze momentarily mid-step, doubt coursing through her; had she indeed locked up? Or would she come to school on Monday only to learn the music room had been burglarized or set on fire or something during the weekend. She didn’t need any more face to face interaction with the principal, she’d had enough in the past few weeks to last her a lifetime and then some.</p><p>After mentally retracing her steps for a brief moment –and remembering clearly that she had been responsible enough to turn a simple lock- Beca breathed a sigh of relief and resumed her pace.</p><p>The enthusiastic chatter of several people reached her ears then and she turned her head in the direction of the voices; seeing that they belonged to a bunch of girls exiting the gym, which she was now passing on her way out. Realization dawned on her a second later and she almost tripped on her own feet, catching herself just in time.</p><p>The Bellas. The Bellas were the ones leaving the gym, having just finished a rehearsal of some sort, if their athletic outfits were anything to go by. And if the Bellas were all there, that could only mean-</p><p>She had meant to avert her eyes, lower her head and get away as fast as possible. Unfortunately –for her mental health and stability- she hadn’t been quick enough.</p><p>She could only watch -feet rooted to the ground- as Chloe bounced outside and shut the double doors of the building closed behind her.</p><p>Beca knew she was staring but she couldn’t help it. For the past two weeks, after her failed attempt at getting to Chloe’s house –how stupid would that have been- she had been avoiding her. Not consciously at first, but she’d kept it up even after she’d realized she’d been doing it.</p><p>She always wanted to have Chloe around; to be able to see her, hear her laugh even from a distance, watch as her eyes sparkled brighter with her smile…</p><p>But it was too difficult to deal with. Not during the days really, she could push through those hours well enough; but every new sighting of Chloe made her nights that much harder to handle.</p><p>So her self-preservation had kicked in, it had seemed like, and she’d gone along with it; although she’d come to terms and grown accustomed to the dull ache inside her chest –that would sometimes become barely noticeable but never truly left- she wasn’t too fond of inflicting even more pain on herself.</p><p>And there was pain as she watched Chloe walk away from the gym with a happy spring in her step, fiery red curls framing her face and bouncing lightly with her movement. But there was also the comforting, soothing feeling that the light she exuded always had washing over Beca; how could she take her eyes off when her heart had been longing for it in the endless hours since she’d last experienced it?</p><p>Despite that fact, a second later she regretted giving into her heart’s desperate request to stay put and watch; because Chloe had approached a blonde girl -that Beca hadn’t even noticed prior to that moment and who had apparently been waiting at a small distance from the gym- and had deposited a quick peck on her lips before taking her hand and pulling her along, the sound of their easy laughter reaching Beca’s ears as they walked away.</p><p>Soon after they were both gone, but Beca still remained standing on the same spot; frozen in place.</p><p>Every day since Chloe had walked away for the final time had been tough, but with each one that passed she’d become better at dealing with everything. At nights she was losing that battle almost every time, but she had her small yet notable success during the days to keep her going.</p><p>Besides, she was respecting Chloe’s choice; the choice that was making Chloe happy. She was doing the best for Chloe, she kept reminding herself, and that was the most important thing; something she’d managed to find some solace in.</p><p>She’d thought she was doing better. She’d thought she was starting to get over it, that soon she’d be able to move on.</p><p>She’d been kidding herself; it was painfully obvious now in the way her heart felt like it was whimpering in agony, something hard and cold squeezing it so tightly that she took a few deep breaths in an attempt to relieve some of the crashing pressure.</p><p>Chloe hadn’t just moved on; she’d moved on to someone else.</p><p>When Beca started walking again, her body completely on autopilot, that was all she was able to think about. That and the words she’d basically yelled at her dad.</p><p>All on its own, her brain was forging invisible connections, reconnecting thoughts differently than before, rearranging arguments and resolutions. When Beca finally reached the front porch of her house the scales had already started to tilt.</p>
<hr/><p>She’d covered the whole distance this time. She’d kept walking, putting one foot in front of the other, until she’d reached her destination. She was there.</p><p>There being just outside the front door of Chloe’s house, arm frozen in midair. She’d raised it to ring the doorbell but just before making contact with the small button she’d hesitated.</p><p>She knew that once she did, once Chloe appeared, there would be no going back. There already wasn’t; the only choice her mind had left her with in the hours since she’d returned home from school was to come here and get everything out in the open.</p><p>She needed to, she couldn’t just…she couldn’t anymore.</p><p>It was still big, though, what she was about to do.  It was huge.</p><p>She’d started trying to convince herself to cover the few inches and ring the damn bell already when the door in front of her swung open, forcing her to hurriedly take a couple unsteady steps back and automatically rendering her inner monologue completely useless.</p><p>Because Chloe was standing in the threshold, her complete and utter surprise in seeing her right outside her house evident all over her face; slowly replaced by confusion and a hint of worry as the seconds kept ticking by in silence.</p><p>“Beca what- what are you doing here?”</p><p>If that wasn’t the million dollar question.</p><p>“I need to talk to you”, Beca replied, voice sounding much more sure and steady than she felt on the inside.</p><p>“Is this something-It’s just that-”</p><p>She could see that Chloe was dressed up to go out, what she assumed was a black dress visible under her baby pink coat.</p><p>“It won’t take long”, Beca interrupted her; she needed to talk now, tonight, before she lost her nerve. “Just a few minutes. Please”, she added when she saw uncertainty cross Chloe’s face.</p><p>To her relief, Chloe nodded a moment later in agreement and stepped outside fully, closing the door behind her.</p><p>“My parents are downstairs; out here is the best place for us to talk right now”, she explained as she led the way towards two small armchairs on the far right side of the deck.</p><p>Beca had no reason to disagree, so she followed her without saying anything more for the time being.</p><p>In contrast to Chloe who immediately sat down in one of the armchairs once they reached them, she remained standing; right in front of her, wringing her hands nervously while looking down at her own feet; trying to arrange her suddenly scattered thoughts into coherent sentences. She didn’t have a lot of time.</p><p>“Beca”, Chloe’s soft tone pulled her gaze to hers, locking their eyes together; the kind expression she was now wearing helping Beca relax a tiny bit. “What is this about?”</p><p>Moment of truth, she supposed.</p><p>Beca took a deep breath, steeling her resolve. It was all or nothing now; no more excuses.</p><p>“You know, after the first time that anything happened, I hadn’t thought –I hadn’t dared to- that there would be a second chance for us, that I’d get a second chance to- There was always something in the back of my mind, you know, back then after our talk in the gym, that this couldn’t be true, that it was too good to be, and that I didn’t- But still, it was happening, and the days kept passing, and we kept moving forward, together, and I-”</p><p>“Beca”, Chloe interrupted her, gently but firmly, her brow slightly furrowed; Beca took a deep breath.</p><p>“I’m not making any sense, am I?”</p><p>Chloe’s mesmerizing blues didn’t stray from her own eyes as she shook her head, needlessly answering her question.</p><p>Beca took another deep breath and admonished herself to calm down and get it together; her time was running out.</p><p>“You offered me so much”, she tried again; voice softer and really steady this time. “Despite all the ways I was fucked up, you brought all your light into my life without a second thought. And I-“, she cut herself off for a second, a small, sad smile spreading on her lips, “I ended up feeling so deeply for you; there was no reason or logic behind it, because you’d torn down all my defenses and you’d kept going, even after there was nothing left of them, deeper and deeper into my heart. I never stood a chance”, she whispered, voice thick with emotion.</p><p>Chloe’s eyes were now boring into hers, the intensity of her gaze threatening to render her unable to utter a single word more. She resisted their effect, though.</p><p>“I wasn’t ready to keep you”, she continued, voice still steady. “Despite how I felt, how I feel, I wasn’t; too afraid to keep you close when I knew exactly how fucked up my life and me myself both were; because there was nothing protecting me anymore from the pain you leaving eventually, after realizing how little I deserved you and how difficult everything would really be, would cause me. So I left first”, she confessed, unable to read the expression that crossed Chloe’s face fleetingly just then.</p><p>“I left first”, she repeated, “despite the fact that you’d become everything. You’d become all I’d ever wanted and I got too scared of never being enough for you, and then everyone kept talking and saying exactly that; it was impossible to ignore them all, believe they were wrong. I didn’t- they and all my fucked up shit were a storm and I didn’t think you’d be- that we’d be strong enough to face it”.</p><p>She saw that Chloe was ready to say something; to object, if the look she was wearing was anything to go by.</p><p>“I didn’t want to force you to be that strong”, Beca rushed to continue. “You’d said we could make it, remember?” she asked, voice a little hoarse and gaze softening even further. “You’d called it our afterlife; and I wanted so much to believe you. Turns out it wasn’t you that couldn’t take it all; it was me. I wasn’t strong enough”, she breathed the last words.</p><p>“Why…Why are you saying all this to me?”</p><p>Chloe’s voice was small and shaky, uncertainty and something else Beca couldn’t place coloring her tone. She looked so vulnerable, sitting there with her arms now wrapped tightly around herself; eyes shining more than usual in the dim lighting the bulb over the front door provided.</p><p>“Because I’ve stopped; denying what I feel and what I want, doubting if we could make it, running away…I’ve stopped”, Beca said once more, needing Chloe to understand; desperate almost to make her understand. “I may still not deserve you, who does really, but I’ve stopped believing the world can break us apart. They’ll try, I know they will. There will be a tidal wave, an avalanche, coming our way”.</p><p>“I don’t- I- What are you saying?” Chloe asked, voice all but a broken whisper.</p><p>Beca could see clearly now the tears that had welled up in her eyes; they were threatening to fall at any moment and despite how much she didn’t want to make Chloe cry –yet again-, she needed to finish what she’d started. There was one last thing she needed to say.</p><p>“I’m asking”, she corrected. “I’m asking if we can overcome my mistakes and maybe…maybe try- maybe start again. Because I want you back, so much. It’s like a force, something like gravity, is keeping me connected to you and it’s too strong to shake it; and I don’t want to. I know how badly I messed up, believe me I know. I know, Chlo. But before I ruined everything, you wanted- you wanted me despite how big of a fucking mess I am”.</p><p>She didn’t know what else to say; if there was anything left to say. For the first time, she’d kept nothing hidden, nothing she hadn’t confessed to. She’d laid out everything that was in her heart –her heart itself; it was up to Chloe now.</p><p>Chloe that was looking up at her completely still besides her shallow, quick breaths; emotions flashing through her tear-filled eyes so fast that Beca couldn’t make any one of them out.</p><p>She forced herself to remain silent, though; it was Chloe’s turn to talk and she’d give her all the time in the world to put her thoughts in order. Despite how desperate she was to hear her response –at this point, it felt like her life depended on what that response would be- she forced herself to be patient.</p><p>It was the least of what she owed to Chloe.</p><p>The loud honk of a car made them both jump. Beca’s head turned to the side, instinctively drawn in the direction of the noise. There was a car parked across the street now.</p><p>And through the driver’s open window, she saw that same blonde from earlier in the day; she was smiling. Beca watched as she raised her hand in a small wave; she knew who it was directed to.</p><p>“I- I have to- I can’t-”</p><p>At Chloe’s low, stuttering voice Beca’s attention returned to her, just in time to see her standing up, arms still wrapped securely around her middle; their hold so tight that it was as if Chloe was trying –struggling- to hold herself together.</p><p>“I have to go”, Chloe stated, more resolutely this time.</p><p>Beca kept staring at her, even as Chloe dropped her gaze after a few seconds and stepped to the side, walking by her. Beca turned around and kept watching her even as she crossed the deck and descended the few steps, stepping on the cobbled path that led to the road.</p><p>“Chloe!” Beca called out then.</p><p>For a second she thought that maybe she wouldn’t look back; that she’d just keep walking, towards the car and the woman that were both waiting for her.</p><p>Chloe did look back, though; even from a distance, Beca could see the way her cheeks glistened with her tears.</p><p>“I wouldn’t let go of you again. No matter the hardships, no matter what fucked up shit life threw in our way…Even if everything else burned down around us, I’d still hold on to you”.</p><p>The moment that followed her words felt endless; as if they were suspended in time. Just the two of them, staring into each other’s eyes. It felt as if nothing could break that moment.</p><p>Chloe did; pilling her eyes away and moving forward again, continuing down her previous path.</p><p>And Beca was left standing on the dimly lit deck of Chloe’s house, all alone, long after the sound of the car driving away had faded away in the distance.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Oof...okay! That was it for chapter seven, and quite a few things happened here. Next chapter will be posted tomorrow, concluding both the swift perfect week for me and this fic. Yep, the end is coming people!<br/>Thank you for reading, see you in the next one, and feel free to yell at me in the meantime if you feel the need to!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>"I don't wanna look at anything else now that I saw you<br/>I don't wanna think of anything else now that I thought of you<br/>I've been sleepin' so long in a twenty-year dark night<br/>And now I see daylight, I only see daylight [...]<br/>You gotta step into the daylight and let it go<br/>Just let it go<br/>Let it go"<br/>-Daylight (Lover), Taylor Swift</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Chapter serving as entry for the Taylor Swift x Bechloe challenge on tumblr (day 7), based on and drawing inspiration from the song mentioned above.<br/>This chapter took so many hours to write, it was going so slow. and yet i loved every second of it, so i can only hope you enjoy it.<br/>On that note, thank you to everyone who has read, left kudos, or commented. I appreciate all of you for coming on this wild, wild journey with me.<br/>And now, on with the story!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Beca Mitchell had never been a person whose emotions overflowed, a person who fell victim to overwhelming feelings and abandoned all reason.</p><p>Excitement that made you want to jump up and down on the spot, fury so absolute that you could see yourself beating the crap out of someone, soul-deep sorrow, bone-crushing despair…feelings like that weren’t her thing.</p><p>With that said, it wasn’t like she was emotionless. She did always feel things; just not in uncontrollable quantities.</p><p>But she still did.</p><p>Right at that moment, though, she wasn’t sure she was feeling anything; there wasn’t even that numbness she’d grown accustomed to in the previous weeks. Whenever that had engulfed her, she’d at least known that underneath it still lay all her regular emotions.</p><p>She’d at least known that they had only been muted for the time being, until the numbness receded as it always eventually did. There was a strange comfort in that knowledge.</p><p>No, right now, as she sat on her bed with her back against the headboard and hugging her knees to her chest, all she could feel was emptiness. As if everything inside her had been drained away into a bottomless pit, only a shell of whom she used to be remaining.</p><p>There had been only one other time she’d felt like this. The time she herself had walked away.</p><p>The irony wasn’t lost on her.</p><p>Beca leaned her head back, resting it against the headboard, and closed her eyes. She was tired, so very tired; exhausted even.</p><p>The situation at school had evened out considerably. That didn’t mean she had any friends.</p><p>Most people just didn’t pay her any attention anymore, letting her fade back into the background she’d been used to occupying for years. It was a thousand times better than what had been happening for the past few weeks.</p><p>But it was so lonely; it felt like if she disappeared no one would even notice.</p><p>She hadn’t seen her dad since she’d ran out of the house, leaving him behind and ending their conversation, two weeks ago. She hadn’t talked to him either; he hadn’t called and of course neither had she. It was a thousand times better than what could be happening instead; arguments and yelling and harsh, hurtful words.</p><p>It was still painful; it felt like she had lost him again, just in a different way than last time.</p><p>Beca sighed, her eyes focusing now on the opposite wall.</p><p>She’d been dealing with all that; she was managing. But what had happened a couple hours earlier…that she didn’t know how to deal with. She’d finally gotten her shit together and gone after what she’d wanted. She should have known better than to hope it would change anything.</p><p>Because nothing had changed. She’d poured her heart out on that deck, put everything on the line, and it hadn’t made any difference.</p><p>Chloe had just walked away from her and towards something –someone- new.</p><p>All she had accomplished was to hurt her and make her cry; again. It felt like the millionth time by now.</p><p>Beca banged her head against the headboard once, wincing at the harsh contact.</p><p>She was at that point where a good, long crying session would actually be greatly appreciated –she fucking hated that she’d reached a point where she’d be thinking that, but she had. Crying can be soothing to the soul, Chloe often said.</p><p>And yet, it seemed it wouldn’t be an option. Leaving out all the fuck ups her life consisted of, even with the back of her head stinging no tears had welled up in her eyes. Them washing away –or even just lessening- that all-encompassing emptiness apparently wasn’t something she should be hoping for.</p><p>Beca closed her eyes again and ran a hand over her face, her exhaustion somehow deepening even more.</p><p>She was so pathetic, hoping to cry so she would feel something again. When had she become this person? How had she become this person?</p><p>She knew the answers to these questions, of course. Her brain was screaming them at her, relentless in its cruelty.</p><p>She had no one else to blame but herself. It was all her fault.</p><p>Not even that thought –that absolute fact- didn’t bring forth the tears.</p><p>The ringing of the doorbell from downstairs echoed loudly in the otherwise absolute silence of the house and pulled Beca out of her thoughts with a start. Whipping her head to the side she stared at her bedroom door, contemplating who it could be and if she should even bother getting up to answer the front door.</p><p>The doorbell ringing again a few seconds later had a sigh falling from her lips as she slowly got up.</p><p>By the time she reached the front door it had sounded two more times, each more insistent than the last one. Someone really wanted that door to be opened, it seemed.</p><p>Beca didn’t bother checking who it was; she just unbolted the door and pulled it open.</p><p>Her shock had her freezing on the spot, still holding onto the doorknob; capable only of staring wide-eyed at the person in front of her.</p><p>Because that person –and she had no idea how or why- was Chloe. She was just standing there, all fiery curls and sparkling eyes and rosy lips; cheeks flushed and demeanor tense.</p><p>“Is your mum home?”</p><p>Beca just shook her head, her brain still not working properly. She had no idea what was happening, and even less so when Chloe stormed into the house right after.</p><p>Closing the door slowly, Beca forced her mind to snap out of it. Once she felt capable again of the basic mental function of thinking, she turned around.</p><p>Chloe was standing in the middle of the living room, her tension now rolling off of her in waves. She seemed angry as she stared at her, hands on her hips and a scowl on her face. Beca almost took a step back instinctively; resisting the urge she instead stepped forward, closing the distance between them until it was less than six feet.</p><p>“Do you- Do you want to sit?” was the only thing her mind came up with. She had no clue as to how she was supposed to act; she had no clue as to what this was.</p><p>The simple question seemed to make Chloe snap.</p><p>“No Beca, I don’t want to sit! I didn’t come here to- Ugh!” she exclaimed in frustration, throwing her arms in the air. Beca was taken aback by the outburst, mechanically taking a seat on the couch.</p><p>“I was supposed to have a nice evening tonight!”, Chloe continued, her exasperation evident in her tone; voice rising in volume. “I was supposed to go out and have fun and just have a relaxing evening! Why would that happen, right? It’s not like the past month was difficult or anything, it’s not like I deserve one nice night of peace after everything that has happened, of course not! So why wouldn’t you come along, after two weeks of avoiding me, which I know you’ve been doing by the way so don’t even try denying it because I’ve barely seen you around school-”</p><p>“Chloe”, Beca tried to interrupt her, not even sure what she would say. It didn’t matter; Chloe just kept going.</p><p>“-and I used to see you everyday so I know you’ve been doing it, avoiding me, and it’s fine, whatever you need to do I guess, but then, after <strong>two weeks,</strong> having the nerve to just come over, just like that, and-”</p><p>“Chloe-”</p><p>“-basically give a whole ass speech on my deck, tell me all that stuff like it was completely normal for you to do that and-”</p><p>“Chloe!”</p><p>“No! I don’t want to hear any more!” she all but shouted, eyes blazing. “I had found peace, you know! I had found peace in the knowledge that you at least <strong>cared</strong> about me! And then you just come over and spring all that on me, out of <strong>nowhere</strong>, after avoiding me for <strong>two weeks</strong>! Were you trying to hurt me?”, she asked then; tone so accusatory it sounded as if she’d already reached that exact conclusion and the question was more rhetorical than anything else. “Is that it? Was that your goal? Hurting me?”</p><p>“No!” Beca denied immediately. “Of course not, Chloe, I’d never set out to hurt you!”</p><p>“Then why?! Why?!”</p><p>“Because what I said, everything I said, is the truth; and I couldn’t just…let you go, not without telling you at least. I…It’s the truth and I couldn’t make yet another mistake and not tell you”, she confessed quietly.</p><p>“So once again- God, it feels like it’s the hundredth time!- Once again, <strong>you</strong> made the decision and I just had to sit there and take it! Once again it was about what <strong>you</strong> wanted! Your <strong>damn</strong> choice, as always! No matter what <strong>I</strong> want, who cares about that anyway!”</p><p>Beca winced at Chloe’s words, her heart constricting painfully inside her chest at the accusation. She was right.</p><p>“This time it wasn’t- Look, last time, when I walked away I wasn’t trying to take away- I only wanted to protect you”, Beca offered, cringing on the inside from how misguided that had been and how lame it sounded now. “I only wanted for you to be able to breathe freely and I didn’t think you could have that with me in your life, so I- I tried to put the fire out before it had even started; and I ended up drowning us both in smoke instead”.</p><p>“Yeah, you did!” Chloe agreed, tone as accusatory as ever. “And what, you think the rest is any excuse?! Because it’s not, Beca! You have baggage, so what?! <strong>Everyone</strong> has, me included!” Chloe shouted, before pointing a finger at Beca. “You took away <strong>my</strong> choice!”</p><p>Her hand was visibly shaking but eyes were blazing, every bit of resolve she had when she’d first stormed into the house still shining in their depths. Beca couldn’t help but find her absolutely stunning in that moment; even though Chloe’s words were almost physically painful to her by now.</p><p>She didn’t want this; the arguing, the yelling, the hurting –Chloe being hurt; Beca didn’t care about herself, she deserved this-, she didn’t want any of it.</p><p>She was so tired of messing up, of causing people pain; no matter what she did someone seemed to get hurt because of her.</p><p>She had learnt to deal with that –what choice did she have?- but she couldn’t when it came to Chloe.</p><p>It was breaking Beca’s heart all over again, seeing her like this; knowing that she was the reason.</p><p>“I know”. Beca had to force the words out, the emotion behind them having them almost get stuck in her throat. “I’d gotten so used to pushing people away, so used to feeling less and less worthy of them when eventually they did just leave, because they always did…I’d gotten so used to expecting the worst outcome, Chloe, and I just couldn’t- I couldn’t stand the thought of that happening to us, I couldn’t stand the thought of you- of losing you”, she admitted quietly, eyes pleading with Chloe to understand.</p><p>There was no point in concealing even an ounce of her mistakes any more, of not claiming full responsibility. They both new it was hers to claim anyway.</p><p>“So because you couldn’t stand that happening, you decided to expedite the process and <strong>make</strong> all of that happen <strong>yourself</strong> instead”.</p><p>Chloe had lowered her arm, not pointing at her anymore and not shouting like before either; the accusation in her tone hadn’t diminished though, not in the slightest. Beca knew she deserved it anyway.</p><p>“I would have never thought you wouldn’t-” Beca’s voice cracked and she inhaled shakily to push down the lump that had suddenly formed in her throat. She never broke eye contact, however; no matter how impossibly hard it was becoming to keep staring at those radiant blues that now had something she couldn’t place flickering in their depths. “How could I believe I would ever be lucky enough that you stayed?”</p><p>“Because I <strong>told</strong> you”, Chloe shot back instantly; a small amount of desperate pleading coloring her words, “I told you again and again, I tried to show you, I tried to make you trust in that; I did <strong>everything</strong> I could to help you <strong>see</strong> it, Beca”.</p><p>Beca nodded dejectedly.</p><p>“I know, Chloe, I know. It’s on me, okay? The whole thing, this whole fucking mess is on me, and I can see now how badly I fucked up”.</p><p>She watched Chloe run a hand through her hair as she visibly gulped; that flicker in her eyes, that Beca still couldn’t place, more prominent now even as her shoulders visibly dropped.</p><p>“Why couldn’t you have said this sooner?”</p><p>Beca’s heart skipped a beat; there was something in Chloe’s tone, the same something that was still flickering in her eyes.</p><p>“I wanted you to be happy”, she offered simply; catching the momentary tightening of Chloe’s lips. “Even after I saw you at school today, when you exited the gym, I still wanted that. I just- I couldn’t not tell you, not anymore”.</p><p>She knew Chloe knew what she was talking about, what she meant. She saw it in her gaze as understanding dawned on her.</p><p>“Tonight was our third date. We went to my favorite diner, you know the one. Best burgers in town”.</p><p>Beca did absolutely not want to hear about this. Chloe reiterating her date with someone else- no. She couldn’t handle it, it was too much; she wanted to allow Chloe to get off her chest anything she might need to, but this was too much.</p><p>She needed Chloe to stop talking about this.</p><p>“We hadn’t even had one bite of our food before I asked for us to leave”, Chloe continued and Beca’s words died away on her lips. “I told her I wouldn’t see her again, that it was over. And then I sent her away”. Chloe chuckled humorlessly, shaking her head slightly. “The irony”.</p><p>Beca wanted to say something; anything. Because what Chloe had just said, what she’d done…</p><p>“I had found peace”, Chloe continued, voice low and thick with emotion, “I was starting to believe that I could move on and be okay. I tried, and I thought it was working. And then you came by the house and I just…”</p><p>Beca waited with baited breath for Chloe to keep going, to finish her sentence, as the seconds kept ticking by in silence. She could feel the shift in the atmosphere between them; how charged it now was.</p><p>But Chloe wasn’t saying more. She just kept standing there, in the middle of Beca’s living room, arms hanging loosely by her sides, shoulders slumped…</p><p>She looked so lost, Beca realized. Lost and small and as if she felt helpless.</p><p>“I’m sorry, Chloe”, Beca offered quietly; it felt as if any loud noise could scare her away. “I really am. But I couldn’t not tell you. You-”</p><p>Beca considered her next words for a moment. She’d already poured her heart out; she’d done it on that deck and one could argue that she’d done it earlier in the conversation they were currently having as well. And Chloe didn’t really look like she could take anymore.</p><p>But something urged her to do it again, just one more time; maybe it was that new little voice inside her head, the one that wouldn’t put up with her bullshit and had led her to Chloe’s house earlier.</p><p>Or maybe it was that she could clearly see tears shining in Chloe’s eyes now.</p><p>“Before you it felt like…like I was staggering in the dark. There was so much darkness in my life before you came along, Chloe, and then there was you and you just swept it all away”.</p><p>She was watching Chloe so closely as she spoke that she noticed when her lips quivered the tiniest bit, when her head jerked slightly as if she had been about to shake it.</p><p>Beca couldn’t have her doubting what she was saying; Chloe had to at least believe her, even if she were to walk away again.</p><p>“I couldn’t let all the light that you are just slip away from me for good without telling you, without getting everything out in the open. It’s what you deserved all along, me being honest and open and clear about the way I felt. So I did just that; and I meant every word I said on your deck. You should know that”.</p><p>Chloe had wrapped her arms around herself as she was talking. She gave off a feeling that she had done so out of necessity rather than choice; as if she would crumble if she didn’t hold on as tightly as she could.</p><p>Beca watched her shake her head softly now, her bouncing red curls captivating her for a second.</p><p>“You care, Beca, and I get that, I do, but-”</p><p>“It’s so much more than that”, Beca stated resolutely, effectively interrupting her. Without thinking about it she stood up, her feet carrying her right in front of Chloe; not even a foot of distance separating them now.</p><p>She could see in her eyes –as they were staring deep into her own- a hint of fear, of panic, at the sudden closeness and she tried to convey through her gaze that Chloe didn’t need to feel that way; that she was safe.</p><p>“It’s so much more”, she repeated, as softly and tenderly as she could. “I’ve looked at you so many times and I could do it a million more; I don’t think I could ever stop. You’re in my mind constantly, even when I don’t try, even when I’m thinking about other things; and even so all I wanna do is push everything else aside so I can think of you even more”.</p><p>“Beca-”</p><p>“It feels like you healed my heart”, Beca pressed on, effectively silencing her once more. “You helped me understand that things don’t always have to be a suffocating black or a dull white, that connection and feelings and being vulnerable don’t always leave you hurt and blooded. That you don’t always get scorched so badly that your very soul has turned burning red”.</p><p>Tears were now trickling down Chloe’s face; and yet she never broke eye contact, not even for a second. There was a battle raging inside her; Beca could clearly see it in the way her emotions flashed in her eyes one after another at lightning speed.</p><p>She was still looking small and vulnerable, though; especially as the tears kept falling, a few getting caught in her eyelashes.</p><p>Beca reached out, her hands gripping Chloe’s tentatively. Her arms were still wrapped around herself tightly but they didn’t have to be. Beca wanted to show her that; that she wouldn’t fall apart, that Beca wouldn’t let her.</p><p>So she pulled at them gently, trying to convey with her eyes that it was okay for Chloe to let go. She was met with only a little resistance –pools of stormy blue reaching deep into her soul, it felt like, as they desperately searched for reassurance- before Chloe relaxed her tense muscles; allowing her arms to fall away from her body, hands held firmly in Beca’s in the small space between them.</p><p>“You healed my heart, Chlo”, Beca said quietly, watching Chloe’s expression soften at the use of the nickname. “All our moments, every second you held me close, did just that. You did. You took everything inside me that was grey and turned it…”</p><p>“Golden”, Chloe supplied, a hint of awe in her voice; Beca had missed the tender tone it now held so much.</p><p>“Golden”, she agreed. “You filled me with warmth and opened me up to love. So-”, Beca smiled softly, squeezing Chloe’s hands a little, “how could I not end up loving you?”</p><p>The tiniest choked sound escaped Chloe’s lips at the question, even more tears falling and bottom lip quivering before she pressed her lips together. Her head had tilted just a little to the side, taking in Beca’s expression; she was reading her, trying to find a catch. Beca could see it in the vulnerability shining brightly on her features, disbelief still flickering in her eyes.</p><p>“I do love you, Chlo”, Beca whispered, relishing in the finally spoken words. “I fell for you long ago and now… now I don’t know if there’s anything or anyone I love more than you. I love you”.</p><p>Beca sighed once she stopped talking; there was such a strong feeling of liberation swirling inside her, engulfing her in its warmth. She felt so light all of a sudden, like she could easily float away if it wasn’t for Chloe’s strong grip holding her grounded in the moment; in the there and the now.</p><p>A comfortable silence fell between them for a few seconds, as Beca waited for Chloe to speak; and yet she could feel the electricity cracking in the air. The magnitude of what was happening –what she’d said- had her heart hammering in her chest, ready to jump out.</p><p>“I shouldn’t…” Chloe trailed off; voice hoarse and shaky, dripping with emotion. “I shouldn’t love you this much”.</p><p>“You shouldn’t love me at all”, Beca all but whispered, heart fluttering wildly.</p><p>It felt unreal, that moment, with Chloe gripping her hands so tightly it almost hurt, eyes boring into hers.</p><p>“But I do”, Chloe breathed. “God, I do; I love you so much”.</p><p>Beca hadn’t realized she was crying, not until she heard those words. She could feel the tears now as they streamed down her face faster than she could ever wipe them away. She didn’t care to, anyway.</p><p>“I’ve let it all go, Chlo”. They were sparkling so brightly, those beautiful blues she adored; they were so clear, despite the tears. “Can you?”</p><p>It was only a second before Chloe nodded, and another one before she tugged at their joined hands, bringing Beca closer and immediately capturing her lips with her own.</p><p>Beca’s eyes fluttered shut at the gentle contact she’d thought she’d never get to experience ever again. It felt like she was slowly sinking into safe, warm waters, this kiss; Chloe’s lips moving oh so tenderly against her own felt like coming home. She craved that familiarity, the safety and comfort that Chloe was, so she took a small step forward; bringing their bodies flash against each other, hands remaining clasped between them.</p><p>It took Beca a couple of minutes before she realized that Chloe was trembling. She’d kept trapping Beca’s lips between her own, kissing her again and again –as if she couldn’t fathom stopping-, but Beca could feel the small tremors as they rolled down her body.</p><p>She pulled back then, only enough to break the kiss but still able to rest her forehead against Chloe’s. When their eyes met, Beca had to take a deeper breath at the overflowing emotion reflected back at her. Chloe’s quick exhales were ghosting over her face and her grip on Beca’s hands hadn’t loosened at all.</p><p>And she was brought back to their first time months ago –felt like another lifetime-, when Beca had been the one to feel vulnerable and raw and exposed, even before anything had even begun. Chloe had known, though; she’d understood, without anything needing to be said. She’d known and she’d shown all the care and love in the world.</p><p>She’d made Beca feel safe enough to let go of everything that wasn’t the two of them and the small world they’d created for themselves.</p><p>So it was now Beca who took a step back, tugging gently at Chloe’s hands for her to follow. It was Beca who led them through the quiet house and up the stairs, down the hallway and towards her room. It was Beca who pulled them inside and closed the door behind them –shutting the rest of the world out decisively, at least until morning came.</p><p>It was she who pulled Chloe close again, her hands running slowly up her sides and around to her back, before she leaned in and kissed her.</p><p>She’d meant for this kiss to be soft and gentle.</p><p>But the way Chloe responded, hands grabbing the collar of her button-up and yanking her even closer, lips moving purposefully and insistently –one could say desperately- against her own before she deepened the kiss, a small whimper escaping her throat, didn’t leave room for anything but passion and desire.</p><p>Still, Beca took her time as she pealed one piece of clothing after the other off Chloe’s body; locking their eyes in question before each one until Chloe stood in front of her in nothing but a pair of panties, shaky fingers now pushing Beca’s shirt off her shoulders.</p><p>She let Chloe undress her down to her own panties, their lips disconnecting only when absolutely necessary, before she started moving them towards the bed.</p><p>So many minutes had passed and soft, bare skin was touching her own and it still didn’t feel to Beca like any of this could be real; that Chloe was here, with her, now scooting backwards on the bed without breaking eye-contact, darkened eyes beckoning her to follow, and that everything had finally fallen into place.</p><p>That Chloe was hers.</p><p>It was that very thought that pulled Beca out of her reverie; that and the sight of Chloe as she lay with her head on the pillows, head tilted to the side just so as she stared at her, hands already clutching the sheets.</p><p>And as Beca climbed on the bed, Chloe spreading her thighs a moment later so she could settle between them, she allowed herself to become fully submerged in the warm feeling that washed over her, reaching the furthest corners of her soul and mending every scar in her heart; the feeling of finally –finally- coming home.</p><p>There was no numbness or exhaustion anymore, there was no pain or emptiness; once again, Chloe had swept everything away. She was everything, and that’s how Beca kissed her now; with all the care and love she had for her and so thoroughly that no doubt would be left in Chloe’s mind that Beca’s love ran deeper than words could ever describe.</p><p>She kissed her and she ran her hands over her body, caressing every inch of skin she could with how closely their bodies were pressed together; a shiver running down her spine when she felt Chloe’s nails digging into the skin of her shoulders. It wasn’t enough, though. She needed more, she needed to make Chloe feel more; so much more.</p><p>Beca pulled her lips away and had to smile at Chloe’s small sound of protest, before she trailed them along her jaw and down the column of her neck. She could feel against them how wildly her heart was beating when she reached her pulse point and started sucking and nibbling at the skin there, Chloe’s back arching and a whine escaping her mouth.</p><p>Beca wanted to hear more; she relished the way her breath was becoming more labored as time passed and the small, throaty sounds she released almost constantly, but that wasn’t even close to being enough. She wanted her to be louder, to have no other choice but to be.</p><p>So she kept going; over her pronounced collarbones, trailing her lips ever lower until they closed around one hard nipple, the other already between her fingers. She felt Chloe’s thighs tightening against her hips, nails scratching the length of her back, and a loud, long moan reached her ears after a moment as she didn’t let up, instead increasing the pace of both her mouth and her hand.</p><p>Beca had no idea how many long minutes she spent focusing all her attention on Chloe’s breasts; all she knew, all she cared about, was how Chloe’s thighs kept squeezing her hips between them, how her sounds kept getting more desperate with each flick of her tongue and each tug of her fingers.</p><p>At a particularly hard suck Chloe’s back arched off the mattress, causing her teeth to graze accidentally against the straining bud.</p><p>“Oh my god, Beca!”</p><p>Hearing Chloe basically moan her name had Beca releasing a moan of her own, eyes snapping open –when had they even closed?- and shooting up to meet hers.</p><p>The sight she was met with, seeing those icy blues almost entirely black, hooded, and glowing like burning embers with pure desire and want, had almost unbearable heat pooling between her legs.</p><p>She could easily drown in them but she didn’t allow herself but a few seconds of stillness before she pressed her lips right back to the straining nipple. She felt how Chloe’s breath got caught in her throat at the light contact but Beca didn’t linger; her lips began moving downwards again, leaving a trail of wet kisses all the way to Chloe’s stomach, never breaking eye-contact.</p><p>She could feel the muscles contracting under the soft, warm skin; skin of which she traced every inch that her mouth didn’t with her fingers, satisfied in the goose bumps her touch left behind. She could hear Chloe panting, body unable to stay still as Beca scooted lower on the bed, a gentle kiss pressed just below her belly button.</p><p>It wasn’t long before she reached the edge of Chloe’s underwear, gliding her lips and her tongue just above and along the hem as her hands caressed up and down her thighs. They were slightly shaking under her touch, her hips giving a small jerk when instead of continuing on the same path her fingers glided higher, closing around the edges of her panties.</p><p>Beca was low enough on the bed that she could feel the warmth radiating off of Chloe’s center, and she wanted nothing more than to get rid of the last barrier between her and all of Chloe. Only the thought had her own thighs clenching tightly together in an effort to alleviate some of the building pressure.</p><p>Her eyes –that at some point had focused on the expanses of soft skin she’d been tracing with her mouth and hands- bore into Chloe’s, posing the question without needless words. Searching her eyes for anything, even the smallest hint, that this wasn’t what Chloe wanted.</p><p>She didn’t find anything of the sort; on the contrary, her breath hitched at the intensity of the fire burning in the depths of those infinite oceans. Her hands involuntarily tightened their grip and a small whimper fell from Chloe’s mouth before she nodded.</p><p>Chloe’s last piece of clothing was discarded soon after, soft kisses pressed up the entire length of her right leg as Beca resettled between her thighs, Chloe spreading them even further to make more room for her; inadvertently exposing herself fully to her gaze.</p><p>And Beca was magnetized by the soft, pink, glistening flesh in front of her, marveling at how wet –absolutely drenched- Chloe was. Her breath ghosted over her folds, only a few inches from her face, and she watched Chloe visibly clench as the fingers of one hand tangled in her hair.</p><p>“Please, Bec, please”, Chloe choked out, the broken plea something between a moan and a gasp, and Beca stopped resisting; she leaned forward, closing the small distance and sucking her clit gently between her lips.</p><p>Everything else stopped mattering to Beca after that point, the rest of the world falling away. All that mattered was Chloe’s taste against her tongue, the feeling of her wetness against her lips, all the whines and whimpers and pleading moans that she managed to coax out of her as she kept sucking and licking at her sensitive skin.</p><p>All that mattered was the way her name sounded on Chloe’s lips, like a prayer and a curse at the same time, when she pushed two fingers inside her slowly, soaking through her own panties at the feeling of Chloe’s walls contracting and clenching around them.</p><p>Beca didn’t tease; she was too far gone herself to be able to. Instead she kept driving her fingers steadily into her, as deep as they would go, curling them each time she pulled them out while her mouth remained focused on her straining clit; alternating between flicking it with her tongue and sucking it between her lips firmly.</p><p>The sounds escaping Chloe, growing louder and more desperate as time went on, the way her hips had kept moving so wildly Beca had needed to use her free hand to hold them down, the almost too tight grip Chloe’s fingers had in her hair… Beca was utterly lost in everything that Chloe was at that moment –scorching heat and blinding pleasure and wild abandon.</p><p>She was entirely aware of how wet she herself was, her panties completely soaked through. She was aching to be touched, the way she kept pressing her thighs together unable to provide even the smallest amount of relief. And yet, despite the sheer need growing rapidly inside her, Beca wouldn’t mind if she remained right where she was for the rest of time; loving Chloe, offering her everything she got, showing her that she was all that mattered; all that would ever matter.</p><p>It wasn’t long before she felt her tense up beneath her, a broken cry echoing in the darkness that surrounded them, and she shifted her gaze to take in the rest of her; the sight before her taking her breath away. Because there Chloe was, the woman Beca loved with all her heart, back arching entirely off the bed, hands pulling at the sheets so hard they should be close to ripping and head thrown so far back the straining muscles were clearly visible.</p><p>Beca didn’t stop, even as she felt Chloe’s walls clamping down on her fingers and a rush of wetness coating her palm. She did slow down, though, guiding her through her climax until Chloe fell limply back to the bed; aftershocks coursing through her body every few seconds, each followed by a small, quiet whimper.</p><p>It somehow still didn’t seem enough to Beca; she’d taken Chloe higher than she’d ever had –that much she knew- and yet all she wanted was to lean back down and make her loose her mind in the same way all over again.</p><p>So she did just that, gently flicking Chloe’s swollen clit with her tongue before her lips closed around it gently.</p><p>“Bec”, Chloe moaned breathily, the sound dripping with unapologetic want and sending a shiver to run down Beca’s spine. Her own moan was released against Chloe’s clit as she sucked at it just a little harder, her fingers –still inside Chloe- starting to move again slowly.</p><p>“Fuck, Bec! Oh my god”, Chloe moaned even louder, and Beca closed her eyes; surrendering herself to the feeling of all that Chloe was in that moment, her presence right there with her shining the brightest, warmest light straight into her heart.</p><p>She allowed herself to become fully submerged in that feeling, her very soul soothed at the thought that, at long last and after everything, she had Chloe back. Not just in her bed, but in her life. She had been Chloe’s all along –even if she’d refused to acknowledge and accept it- and now Chloe was finally hers as well; again and despite the thousand ways she’d fucked up.</p><p>Chloe had come back to her.</p><p>The enormity of that simple fact had tears stinging at the back of her still closed eyes. Because Beca Mitchell didn’t get this lucky. Beca Mitchell didn’t get a second and third chance with people like Chloe Beale. Most people didn’t even offer her a single one.</p><p>“Bec”.</p><p>This time it had been in the softest, most tender way that Chloe had ever uttered her name, and Beca’s eyes immediately shot open and up to meet hers. She didn’t know how, but Chloe had somehow felt how overwhelming Beca’s emotions had suddenly become, it was made clear as soon as their gazes locked together.</p><p>There was so much love radiating from Chloe’s eyes and reflected back at her, love so encompassing and so absolute –she’d call it adoration if she dared-, that the tears started welling up, slightly blurring her vision.</p><p>“Come here”, Chloe breathed then, and Beca didn’t waste any time in climbing up the bed until she settled right beside her; her own body pressed tightly against the side of Chloe’s.</p><p>The next second Chloe was kissing her, claiming her lips with a breath-taking intensity and yet oh so tenderly that Beca couldn’t stop a couple of tears from trickling down her cheeks. She felt Chloe’s own tears against her skin even as her hand kept moving gently between Chloe’s legs; their lips never parting.</p><p>It wasn’t long before Chloe’s body tensed up for the second time that night, her soft whimpers muffled against Beca’s mouth as her climax washed over her. And Beca held her close, guiding her through it with the gentlest touches of her fingers while promising to herself for the hundredth time that no matter what she would never let go again.</p>
<hr/><p>Beca could feel soft kisses being placed on her shoulders as warm fingers traced the skin of her back in a feather-light caress that had goose bumps appearing on its wake. She was lying on her front, she realized as the fogginess of sleep slowly receded from her mind, and she could feel her nakedness as the comforter of her bed was draped over her body.</p><p>A small, content smile spread on Beca’s lips, eyes still closed, as the events of the night flashed through her mind. The warm body that pressed fully into her back just then only made the memories more vivid.</p><p>“Are you awake?”, she felt more than heard Chloe whisper right by her ear, and she shuddered involuntarily as her warm breath ghosted over her skin. She couldn’t think of any better way to wake up.</p><p>“What time is it?”</p><p>“A bit past five”.</p><p>Beca groaned involuntarily, squeezing her eyes closed even tighter.</p><p>“Dude, it’s so fucking early! Why would you wake me up? Why aren’t <strong>you</strong> asleep?”</p><p>“Because I missed you”.</p><p>The simple answer, breathed against her ear, had a shiver running down her spine; she felt Chloe’s body press even closer against her back and although Beca didn’t move, her left hand clutched her pillow.</p><p>What did one even say to that?</p><p>“We went to bed less than three hours ago”, was what her brain came up with.</p><p>Chloe’s low, soft chuckle had her clutching the pillow a little tighter.</p><p>“We went to bed hours before that, Bec”.</p><p>It was unfair what Chloe could do to her body with so few words; Beca felt the wetness that still lingered between her legs increase and her core clenching around nothing. She barely managed to prevent a small sound from escaping her throat.</p><p>She was fully aware of Chloe’s lips as they kept tracing over her shoulder, pressing down gently every few seconds, and of her hand that was sliding up and down her side, from her hip all the way to just below her breast, over and over.</p><p>“I meant-“, her voice was so hoarse she had to clear her throat before continuing, “I meant to sleep”.</p><p>“Sleep is no fun”, was Chloe’s instant reply –why did her voice have to sound like <strong>that</strong> right now?-, just as her hand abandoned the pattern it had set and moved over Beca’s hip and around to her front; wasting no time before it slid right between her legs.</p><p>There was no holding back the whimper this time; not as Chloe’s fingers immediately found her clit and started rubbing it with purpose.</p><p>“You’re so wet”, Chloe breathed into her ear, just a hint of awe coloring her tone.</p><p>“It’s what you do to me”, Beca heard herself say, voice straining; the quiet moan Chloe let out at her words making her even wetter.</p><p>“God, Bec”, Chloe responded, her hand picking up its pace; moving faster and pressing down harder and making Beca’s breath hitch.</p><p>She’d already been sensitive from all the attention Chloe had paid to her earlier in the night; it was no wonder, especially considering the rhythm she’d set now, how fast her climax was building inside her. The way Chloe was breathing heavily right into her ear, occasionally releasing a small sound that was dripping with desire, only added fuel to the heat cursing through her body; she could basically feel herself dripping onto the sheets.</p><p>“Chlo”, she choked out pleadingly. She needed more, she couldn’t- It wasn’t enough, and she needed Chloe to-</p><p>Beca felt her body shifting behind her, settling more to her left and pressing her even harder into the mattress, basically lying on top of her against her back. Next thing she knew Chloe was pushing two fingers inside her, immediately setting a quick pace that matched that of the fingers rubbing her clit.</p><p>“Fuck”, Beca moaned, both of her hands clutching at her pillow now, and so tightly that she was sure her knuckles were turning white. Her next sound caught in her throat as Chloe started moving both of her hands faster.</p><p>Beca was struggling to breathe, her heart pounding so loudly that she thought there was no way Chloe couldn’t hear it. She was starting to feel dizzy, bright spots appearing behind her closed eyelids.</p><p>She couldn’t speak, she couldn’t even think; all she could do at this point was feel, entirely lost to everything Chloe was doing; entirely lost to everything Chloe was.</p><p>Loud, incoherent sounds kept falling from her lips as her climax kept building inside her; the pleasure so intense it was almost painful.</p><p>“God, you are amazing”, Chloe whispered hoarsely, so close to her ear that Beca managed to hear her even over her racing pulse. “I love seeing you like this, I love how desperate you are”. Beca felt a tender kiss being pressed right at her temple, even as Chloe’s hand moved even harder inside her. “I love you”, Chloe breathed against her skin.</p><p>It was those three words that sent her over the edge; the force of her orgasm stealing her breath away, her mouth open but no sound coming out as wave after giant wave of release crashed into her.</p><p>It was several minutes before she felt able to speak again.</p><p>“Is this”, she began, breathing still slightly labored, “Is this why you woke me up?”</p><p>Chloe’s giggle was music to her ears and her heart skipped a beat; she couldn’t help but smile.</p><p>“Are you complaining right now?”</p><p>“I’m absolutely not complaining”, she stated emphatically, smile growing even bigger as Chloe chuckled.</p><p>“No, this is <strong>how</strong> I woke you up. The why is because I want to take you somewhere”.</p><p>“Right now? In the middle of the night?”</p><p>“It’s not the middle of the night. Come on, Bec; I promise you’ll like it”.</p><p>“Fine. But you’re buying me breakfast and a huge cup of coffee after”.</p>
<hr/><p>“Tell me again why we had to come here so early?”</p><p>Beca felt the small, amused sound Chloe let out at her question before she heard it with how the right side of her face was pressed against Chloe’s sternum, Chloe’s head resting on top of hers.</p><p>They were on that same bench by the sea, Chloe having pulled Beca into her arms right as they’d sat down, arranging them both so they would be comfortable; Chloe leaning back against the bench and Beca sitting sideways with her legs over Chloe’s and her cheek pressed right above her heart.</p><p>“Because it had to still be dark”.</p><p>“It didn’t have to be 6:30<strong>am</strong> for that; it’s winter, it could have been 6:30<strong>pm</strong> and the result would be exactly the <strong>same</strong>”.</p><p>Beca’s eyelashes fluttered and her heart skipped a beat at the gentle kiss she felt on the top of her head.</p><p>“It’s not about the darkness, Bec. Just be patient for a little bit longer, okay?”</p><p>Beca grumbled in indication of her very reluctant agreement, no matter they both new it was all an act; proven further by her burrowing deeper into Chloe’s embrace, sighing contently when Chloe’s arms tightened slightly more around her.</p><p>Her eyes shifted then towards the sea, traveling over the horizon where the sky was just starting to turn the tiniest bit lighter. They’d been right here before; on this exact bench, looking out at the sea, a new day about to start. She preferred their current circumstances infinitely more than those of the past two times, though.</p><p>“Is this our spot now?” she asked, a hint of amusement coloring her tone.</p><p>“Maybe”.</p><p>She knew Chloe was smiling, even if she couldn’t see her; she could hear it in the softness of her voice and it only made her smile in return.</p><p>“So you woke me up at <strong>such</strong> an ungodly hour, <strong>after</strong> you kept me up <strong>all night</strong>, to drag me to our spot?” she teased in mock exasperation. “So romantic”.</p><p>“Oh, hush. You love it”.</p><p>“Your confidence may be misguided”, Beca shot back drily, her smile never faltering. She did love it. Being right there, on the spot that Chloe seemed to consider as their own, the mere fact that now the two of them even had a spot they could call theirs…</p><p>“I do love <strong>you</strong>, though”.</p><p>She felt Chloe sigh, her body relaxing further against hers even as she kept holding her just as tight.</p><p>“I don’t think I’ll ever tire of hearing you saying that”.</p><p>“Then I won’t ever stop saying it”, Beca reassured, pressing her lips softly against Chloe’s warm skin.</p><p>“Promise?” she heard then, barely above a whisper.</p><p>“I promise”.</p><p>A comfortable silence fell between them, her attention drawn back to the sea; she was a little surprised to see how much lighter the sky had turned in just a few short minutes and without her even noticing. Sunrise was approaching fast, it was evident by all the orange and pink and yellow hues that now stretched in every direction above the waves.</p><p>The symbolism wasn’t lost on her and she knew this was what Chloe had been aiming for; for them to be sitting right there, on the bench things had fallen apart before, and witness the dawn of a new day; the day after they’d found their way back to each other. A new beginning.</p><p>“Is this it?” she found herself asking quietly. “Is this our afterlife you’d talked about?”</p><p>She felt more that heard Chloe hum for a moment, seemingly considering her question.</p><p>“No”. The reply surprised her, but Chloe wasn’t done. “We don’t need an afterlife”, she offered, softly but resolutely. “We’ll make it work in this life right here”.</p><p>The colors in the sky were turning brighter with each second that passed; Beca kept watching them shift and blend in ever-changing ways as Chloe’s words wrapped around her heart like a warm blanket of safety and comfort.</p><p>“We don’t need fairy tales and fantasies to chase away the shadows”.</p><p>A golden hue was spreading across the sky as the sunrise kept coming closer; reaching everywhere the eye could see, enriching the already present colors, sending small sparkles to dance on the surface of the sea.</p><p>“We’ve got enough daylight in real life to chase them away ourselves”, Chloe said, her words feeling to Beca like the most loving caress. “It’s bright enough. And in those moments that it may not be, the both of us- we will make it so again”.</p><p>Beca took a deep breath; it felt like the first time she’d truly managed to do so in who knows how long. She felt alive and at peace as she took in Chloe’s familiar scent; this was all she wanted.</p><p>This was home.</p><p>No, the war wasn’t won yet. There would be more battles to come, she was certain. But for the first time ever it really felt like love –their love- would prevail in the end.</p><p>She watched as the sun’s golden disc appeared in the horizon, slowly ascending in the morning sky.</p><p>“We’re stepping into the daylight and we’re letting everything else go”, Chloe said softly, her words sounding like both a statement of an absolute fact and a promise.</p><p>There was no hint of a question in her tone. It wasn’t needed anymore.</p><p>“Yeah”, Beca smiled against her skin. “We’re letting everything else go”.</p><p> </p><p>
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      <strong>The End</strong>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Oh my goodness, I can't believe this story is over! And to think this started out as on one-shot...it's so surreal to me that this fic even exists, never mind coming to an end. There were so many instances in the time since i started writing this that i had a mental or an emotional breakdown over this story, but it does and will always have a special place in my heart.<br/>So thank you so much for sticking by the entire time and allowing me to take you on this crazy adventure, i'm grateful to each and every one of you.<br/>Come say hi on tumblr if you want, it's the same name as here.<br/>Thank you again and see you in the next story!</p>
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